Please help me to be happy again :(

[itsconfusing]

Last night for an hour I sat in my car figuring out what was the best thing I could do. The options I was giving myself were a) drive the car off a cliff, b) drive as far away as possible and 'disappear'. I was beside myself thinking these were the best options to follow to allow my dh and beautiful, precious dc to be happy. Without me.

It was very scary. I do believe if somehow I hadn't found the 'courage' to go home I would have done something extreme :( the thought of going home was just so overwhelming and fearful. I somehow drove home thinking the only way forward is for dh and I to separate.

I got home and saw the dc's, kissed them, wished them good night etc and went downstairs to feed the baby (12m old). Dh was fine with me, so I thought I'll feed baby and put her to bed first, then tell him we were separating.

To separate is the only way forward I can see. I'm so mean to my dh, and he really is a Dh. I have such awful mood swings towards him a lot the time he can't do anything right, I have a go about everything. I shout, bawl, criticize. God I can't stop it. I don't know how/why I've changed. I love him so much. He loves me. I don't deserve him in any way. I used to be nice, calm, laid back. I'm not now.

Dh told me last night it was when I was pg with dc1, I changed then, I became aggressive, snappy, awful really. Why? How can I fix it? Maybe I should do the right thing and leave them all. God I never thought I would be capable of thinking those things. My dc are my life.

Dh won't leave me. Then everything was 'normal' again? I went to bed and we were normal today, with me snapping at him every now and again.

Just before I stormed out of the house and drove around for an hour we had a been sitting eating dinner. Dh had told me that our telephone conversation earlier that day had been heard by his work colleagues, his phone wasn't working so he'd had to use speaker. I had been ranting on about something. It was like I'd been kicked in the stomach, he threw away all the trust I had in him. I stood up, walked out and drove off.

This year has been a hard year for me. I've been very sad, confused for a lot of it. I'm seeing a psychologist, but only every few wks. I was in a bad place at the beginning of jan, but then I was happier/happy even, now it's bad again. We have all been a bit poorly this week too.

I just feel so trapped by my meanness. It's all so sad. I desperately want to be happy. I want dh to be happy with me. Most of all I want to dc to be happy.

[fbnomore]

:(
the first step to getting better is to recognise there is a problem, then work out a plan to make it better, then to take the steps, in a stepwise approach to get yourself in a better place.
make an appointment with your doctor. she might or might not put you on antidepressants.
I always make a list of things so that i can put it all in perspective. the list in my case has to be written down. recently i had a list with people who make me happy, ones who make me miserable and then those with slight positive and slight negatives. It was good to see in black and white that there ware only two on the miserable list and fourteen on the good list.
postive thoughts for you.

[itsconfusing]

Thanks fbnomore, although my list of people that make me feel miserable is much longer than the positive one is that because I'm so horrible, or is it because I'm probably depressed?

I'm scared of going to the gp and taking meds. I don't want to lose myself, mind you I already have. I think I'll buy some suplements tomorrow and try those first.

[Lilliana]

Go see your GP, they might offer AD's and they might help but they won't force you to take them and can offer alternatives inc support that can come in lots of different ways eg groups, CBT therapy...

Have you told your DH about your thoughts in the car? Have you got other friends or family you can talk to? Please go and talk to someone.

[twentyten]

You poor thing. You are not mean and horrible. Great advice on here but take advice and do see your doctors. If you feel bad please phone the Samaritans . Hang on in there.

[UpAbovetheStreetsandHouses]

It really does sound from your op that you are not well atm, contemplating driving off the cliff or running away are not good :(
Has anyone suggested postnatal depression?
Honestly I think you need to talk to someone about how you really feel make an appt with your GP or talk to your health visitor.

[itsconfusing]

I mentioned that I'd thought of not coming home to dh, he looked shocked and said I need to see gp. I think I only really focused on driving home because the baby is bf, poorly ATM and would've been wanting milk.

The odd thing is I feel kind of fine now? I do worry what if I act like that again quite randomly but do something really stupid. I don't think I could tell anyone what I was really contemplating in the car. What would they do?

[itsconfusing]

I don't know what's going on with my head. I've been so self absorbed this year. So many memories/thoughts have been coming back to haunt me. I don't know whether it's all just becoming too much, just trying to take too much 'fixing' on at once. I don't have the space to process my thoughts properly. My dc are all under 4. They make me very happy, they're what make me happy. I've never felt sad/down about them. But last night I thought the best thing I could do is leave them because I'm so mean to dh

[Lilliana]

You sound just like me :(. I went (am still going) through a really tough time at work. I didn't go to talk to anyone because of that exact thought 'what would they do?' If I didn't know what I wanted to get out of it what was the point of talking about it? I finally had a bit of a breakdown, went to the docs and got a counsellor and she told me to go see my head and I needed to tell him how I feel. It was the best thing I ever did. He didn't have a magic wand but did listen and try to understand how I was feeling (even if I didn't really understand it myself). One minute I felt fine, the next I was in pieces for the littlest reason. Just talking about things was a huge relief and he has helped me to gain back my confidence and feeling of worth. I still have bad days but am happier now than I have been for over 2 years.

I will never leave it so long again. Bottling it up and trying to deal with things myself really screwed me up and I will never do that again. My head said I should have come to him 2 years ago and his door is always open, I do NOT have to know what I want to happen before I have a conversation, we can work out what to do together.

Sorry for the long and rambling post, I know my situation is different but I'm worried about you and want you to know that things will get better. Please go and see someone.

[Lilliana]

I too was horrible to my poor DH, I don't know how he stuck by me. I had lots of unresolved issues from home and work but they boiled down to me feeling inadequate and not good enough in all aspects of my life :(

If you like reading 'CBT for dummies' is a good place to start - it as recommended by my counseller. You don't need to read it cover to cover, pick the sections that you feel apply to you.

[itsconfusing]

Thanks Lilliana, your experience feels similar in that I think everything is getting ontop of me. I'm exhausted, I over think everything, I have no emotional support (apart from dh, but I'm aware that I am exhausting), no support where we live with dc etc. we've been very poorly for a week and it's nearly finished me off. I feel useless, I have so much to do but can never get started on most of it, too busy. Makes me feel crap though.

I just don't see how/when it's going to get better. Although I'm focusing on sept when the older dc start school and 15hrs nursery in the week. But I've so much to battle before then. God it feels like I'm drowning.

[Lilliana]

Morning Confusing. How are you?

I couldn't see a way that things could change either. The issues I had weren't going to change or go away. However, I have now realised that it wasn't the situation that needed to change (I couldn't control or change it) it was the way I thought about the situation that needed to change, and that I did have control of. CBT helped me to think about things in different ways, accept that I was going to have negative feelings and everyine does but to look at things in different ways to realise that my negative feelings may not be accurate and there are other explanations/ reasons.
Take care and have a good day

[poppycat04]

Couldn't leave your post unanswered op. It really sounds like you have PND. I know because I'm there too and it's a dark and irrational place. Pls pls go see the GP, it's far more worrying thinking about going than actually doing it. I have now started ADs and can already feel the fog lifting.
You really don't have to feel like this. And your DH and DCs need you.
Am sending virtual hug and holding hand.