Depression? Bipolar?

[mincepiefreak]

Recently (last couple of months) I have been considering the fact I may have mental problems. I'll give some examples of the things that I don't feel are 'normal'.
I have horrific mood swings, sometimes I'll be incredibly happy and then very down again for no reason, but this can occur within a day (so not related to my menstrual cycle etc).
Most days I feel very down, even though I have nothing to be sad about: i.e. everything will be running smooth with DP, yet I just can't be happy.
I am always very paranoid when it comes to my DP (even though no major reason to be) and get very jealous of other people having the attention of my DP/ best friend/ family etc. Sounds very childish, but it really does affect me.
I have a very bad temper, even when people are just jokingly taking the mic out of me. Most of the time I just try to laugh it off so I don't get angry, but it's hard to do and I normally have to go to my room just to calm down as I get very angry inside and start shaking.
I am tired every single day, no matter how much or little sleep I get. Any less than 8 hours and I find it very hard to concentrate that day, however I still feel tired after 12 hours sleep.
I generally hate going out, unless its with my DP or best friend, and I find comfort in locking myself in my room, literally locking out the whole world. This is so unlike what I used to be (thriving social life, out with friends lots). Also related to this is my strong phobia of vomiting, which as you can imagine stops me doing a lot of things (e.g. drinking, going out with drunk people, avoiding hospitals etc.)
I have very bad OCD with 'touching things' a certain number of times before I go out of a room- this controls my mind most of the day, everyday.

Just for extra info, I have no DC although I was TTC a couple of years back which is why I'm on here, this site has been invaluable for me.
Have not been to the doctors about it, as I think I was in denial that these were not 'normal' and were in fact problems holding me back in life- these symptoms have only come on in the last 2 years ish: no problems before that, bar the vomiting phobia.

[PhoenixFromTheFlames]

I'm not an expert so I'm not going to 'diagnose' you I think if you're struggling with your feelings, you need to seek medical help I wonder if that's what you were expecting a response to say? . I think you'd benefit from medication to stabilise your feelings and then counselling to work out why you're like this and give you the tools to manage them.
I've been there, it's not an easy road but for me, just realising I couldn't do it on my own and getting help was a big step in the right direction.

[mincepiefreak]

I really have no experience with mental health disorders at all, so I don't want to go to the doctors and find out I'm just being silly. I don't really know what I was asking to be honest, I just wanted to tell someone. Sorry.

[PhoenixFromTheFlames]

No need to apologise! I don't think you're being silly. I think if you're experiencing extremes of emotions, especially if you feel like the emotions are hard to control? The tiredness is quite common if you are experiencing mental health problems. I certainly think you'd benefit from seeing your GP to discuss your symptoms. Hth.

[NanaNina]

Hi MPF - you say you have no experience of mental health problems, yet your thread is entitled "Depression? Bipolar?" so I wonder if you have been consulting Dr. Google to see if your symptoms match these particular types of mental illness.

I think it's good that you were able to post and give so many details, and this in itself is sometimes therapuetic - I know it is for me, doesn't cure anything of course, but it gets it out of my head onto paper.

I notice you say that that you were TTC a couple of years ago, and these symptoms came on during the last 2 years and you were perfectly fine before that. Have you considered that there is some correlation between the TTC and the onset of problems - it looks rather more than co-incidence that these 2 things happened at the same time? Maybe the problems are related to your inability to conceive. Whether they are or not, you still need some help and support at the way you are feeling at the present.

Wanting to lock yourself away from the world sounds to me like depression, it is a way of withdrawing and on my worse days I have enormous trouble getting out of bed, but isolating ourselves is not a good idea, although it can make us feel safer.

The thing is that mental health problems make us feel "silly" and that there should be some way that we can cure ourselves - and being in denial that your feelings weren't "normal" is a similar thing. I suffer from depression and anxiety so can only talk from that perspective. I just think mental illness is very deceitful because it tells us things about ourselves that aren't true. This doesn't happen with a physical illness, and we are not ashamed of having flu or bronchitis etc.

I really do think your first port of call is to the GP to discuss these MH problems. If you don't know where to start, just write a list of all your symptoms and you can hand it to the GP which will help him/her and you, rather than you trying to explain so many issues.

Your post suggests that your self esteem is very low at the moment which is unsurprising. You have been suffering in silence for a long time. This can't go on because it will just get worse. So the GP for possible medication, and referral to a therapist. Thing is you usually only get 6 sessions of CBT on the NHS but if you can afford it you can find a private therapist (around £50 an hour) dependent on where you live. The main thing is that you find someone in whom you can trust and feel safe with.

SO - pick up the phone tomorrow and make that call to the GP - yes?

Incidentally is your DH sympathetic and understanding of your problems?

[mincepiefreak]

Thanks for the support Phoenix, means a lot.
I have indeed been looking at google recently, it kind of makes it worse though. I wish I'd just gone to the doctors to start with!
You're right- I really did feel better just typing all my problems out. I am going to go through and write my main symptoms out for the gp, making the appointment as we speak.
Thank you very much for all the extra information you were able to give me; it helps knowing that I'm not just being silly and that there are issues to be dealt with.
Yes my OH is very sympathetic- he's had to put up with my mood swings and temper for a while now, which is why I feel even worse about my issues. It's really the thing that's made me realise I need to get help.
Thank you NanaNina.

[NanaNina]

Good - glad you are seeing your GP MPF; just hope he/she is sympathetic. Let us know how you get on.

[PhoenixFromTheFlames]

Glad to hear you're seeking help, given how I've been the last week or so I think I'd better practice what I preach.

[mincepiefreak]

Appointment is booked for next week. Are you ok Phoenix? What's happened?

[PhoenixFromTheFlames]

Well, I wasn't on top of my game in November...then we had a house fire in December. I've been incredibly anxious - bit ocd about unplugging which makes sense. I'm quite paranoid and getting hysterical easily. It's so variable is my trouble. Yesterday I was awful, on the verge of tears all day and panicky. Today I'm calm-ish, much more realistic about things! I'm doing the mood gym online to try and break my negative mindset. We move to a rented house this weekend so I'm going to see how I feel after the weekend. I suspect I may need some anti-anxiety tablets (I've had them before) but I'll see how I feel as the upheaval settles.

[mincepiefreak]

Oh no that sounds horrific, did the fire gut your house? Hoping it was just a small one. I'm terrified of fires since a roof on fire nearly collapsed on my head in infant school.
What is the mood gym? Does it help?
I'm exactly the same as you in terms of being very down one day and fine the next. Hard to deal with, I know.
Hope the house move goes well- I've been on anti anxiety tabs before, and was really hoping I wouldn't have to take any more meds again for a while.

[PhoenixFromTheFlames]

I'm the same, I've taken antidepressants/anti anxiety meds three times before. I hate feeling dependent on them but I recognise if I deteriorate I can't function without them.
The fire damage was confined to the kitchen, the smoke damage is dreadful. It's that horrible scenario where actually we're lucky to be alive but that's a grim reality, you know? We were woken by the smoke alarm and didn't have long to get out. But we have hardly any of our stuff now, only clothes. It's material possessions mostly but there's some stuff I'm sad to lose :(
Mood gym is very cool here is a link. It's online cognitive behavioural therapy. It's just reminding me how to manage my negative thoughts.

[mincepiefreak]

Thank you very much for the link, looks really good, can't hurt to try it anyway!
Ahh yes, at least no-one was hurt but I would be the same re. unplugging everything before bed etc. Not a nice way to live, I do sympathise with you. Do you have DC?
I think that's what I'm scared of more- becoming dependent on them. I always said to myself that I don't want to be on any meds for life.

[PhoenixFromTheFlames]

No actually we're ttc ourselves. Been two years at Christmas, perhaps that's why I felt compelled to post, what you said was very close to my heart! We know what the problem is now reversible medical problem and have started treatment so hopefully this year we'll get our win but it's not been an easy journey.
I always found with meds that once I'd taken them for a while and had counselling, I knew I was ready to come off them and was strong enough on my own. We'll get there!

[noisytoys]

If you feel there is something not right, even if youhave been googling your symptoms, don't be afraid or embarrassed to see your doctor. It is the anonymity of this site which makes me feel able to disclose that I am bipolar and your symptoms sound identical to mine. I wasn't diagnosed by Dr. Google, but by years of inappropriate prescriptions of antidepressants, followed by one very good GP who spotted something wasn't right and sent me for a psychological assessment. I am now on mood stabilisers and my life has been transformed. Unfortunately there is such a taboo with mental illness many people are far too quick to judge and people suffering are ashamed to seek help. I wish you the best of luck with answers xxx