Full of self loathing

[oldcodger]

All in the title really. It is really all consuming. I do not have one single friend. My husband and children are wondeful and mean the world to me. I just hate me, everything about me. Does anyone else feel the same? Cant tell dh how I feel. He would think it is a reflection of him. I don't even have one single friend on the internet. This has been a hard post to write. I keep everything inside. I hope I am not alone but I don't want anyone else to feel like this.

[madeupstuff]

The irony of leaving this post unanswered would be terrible. I don't think I have anything to say (and certainly nothing that would help) so hopefully bumping the thread will let someone else better qualified spot it.

100% sure that you're not alone and also certain that there will be people here that have felt that way and have worked through it.

[GoingForGoalWeight]

I do not have any friends in RL or on the internet. I have one 13 year oild severly disabled child - no sight - no speech - severe Autism. My life is full of the same routines, silence, nobody to talk to. I'm a single Mothe, no boyfriend and i cut ties with ignorant, disloyal, abusive, toxic family in 2005.

I hope you feel better :)

[GoingForGoalWeight]

I'm having psychodynamic therapy and the fact i am on here posting is a big sign things are looking up :)

I have plans for next year - simple things to most but big deal to me - i am going to join meetup.com, socialising site, take a look. Booking a holiday abroad, losing weight, exercising, study :)

I need to feel OK about me, try some therapy?

[NanaNina]

Hi old codger(and that name needs to be changed!) Do you mind my asking about your childhood experiences, because usually the way we feel about ourselves is related to our childhood. Difficulties in our adult lives, tend to be a re-enactment of some of our childhood e.g. the way we were parented bring the most important.

Have you ever had friends, as a child, school days, or as an adult. As for the internet,I don't think many of us have "friends" exactly on MN - we begin to recognise certain people and share their views, but that doesn't mean we are friends. I have been amazed though at the the level of support that can be offered to people in distress, and kept up almost on a daily basis for months (there's one been running for over a year)

So glad for you that your husband and children are wonderful - that must give you a sense of fulfillment.

Can you post in a bit more detail about whether you have any idea about the reasons behind your self loathing, and whether you have any idea about its origins.

[badmammajamma]

Hey OC. You are not alone. I don't have friends either. I used to, but they've dropped away as I don't make the effort. I generally feel so ashamed of my life that I'm scared of letting friends in as I don't want them to see the pathetic person i have become. I'm a LP to one DD and feel very insignificant and awkward.
Not much help, sorry, but your post struck a chord with me.

[GoingForGoalWeight]

I was popular at schol and outside of school i always had a best friend and other friends to hang out with. When i got tothe age of 21 most of my friends had moved far away, married or had children and time elapsed i had a partner and mixed with his friends. Thenm i had my Son and i've been isolated really for a long time. I no longer know my friends from those days. i made effort to make new friends but i chose the wrong sort of people and i dumped them or they dumped me.

time for me to get back out there soon, new attitude is forming on my part and i hope i can allow not to let people walk all over me, Assert myself better, take care of me :)

You can do the same oldcodger with some therapy if you want to :)

[spudzoomi]

Hi

I have named changed. Thank you for your replies I honesty thought I would not get any.

I have tried to write a reply about 4 times now and deleted it. I just cant do it. I cant write and read back what has been in my head for many many years. No one can help can they? I have to make changes but I think it's just me, its the way I am and nothing will change how I feel about me. I can never tell dh how I feel. He would be gutted. I feel so ashamed I feel the way I do but I cant stop.

goingforgoalweight you should be really proud of yourself and I really mean that. I want to wish you all the best with getting back out there.

badmammajamma thank you for your post. Like I said before I was hoping no one else felt like I do. How old is your DD? Do you have any family near by?

Thanks nananina for listening. I cant post openly about my past. Which I appreciate makes it difficult for anyone to help. I think it's just the way I am, have always felt like this but it's getting harder to contain as I get older. Had a rubbish childhood and I did have friends when younger. I keep people at arms length now.

madeupstuff thanks for taking the time to reply.

[GoingForGoalWeight]

No-one can help you

But YOU and a good therapist can :)

Google Affordable Counselling x

[imaginethat]

I feel so sad for you as every person I meet I can see good in and can see they deserve life and love.

Yet I can't see it for myself. Not only do I feel unlikeable, I feel hated. I know this is connected to my mother telling me over and over she hated me and that "everyone" hated me, but it is frustrating that I can't overwrite the belief.

You sound really nice. I would be happy to be your friend. x

[LadyMedea]

Sounds like you have a family who loves you and although it's hard to speak up I'm sure they'd want you to be able to confide in them. How you feel is how you feel, I'm sure they'll understand tat.

Therapy sounds like a really good idea. Look out for someone trained pyschodynamically as they'll help you understand how your past and present are related. If tats too difficult financially I'd get a book or two on self esteem. I'm reading a book by Beverley Engel at the moment that im impressed with and I know she has written a book called 'Healing your emotional self' on self esteem. I'm a big believer in understanding ourselves better by reading stuff written by smart people.