DH has just gone off to America, away until Friday...

[BeckyBendyLegs]

I know that's not long, and it's hardly that big a deal on the grand scheme of things, but I'm feeling really anxious today about coping the whole week with the three DSs and two cats. He left at 3.30am this morning and I slept really fitfully and feel sick today. I know it's silly, and there are people who do this by themselves full time (including my mum, with three children, and a good friend of mine who has four) but I have a really big fear of illness, esp tummy-related ones and it is that time of year and I am terrified that one night I'll be dealing with an ill child or I'll get ill. That is my idea of absolute nightmare. There isn't even a bug going around or anything but it's there, in the back of my mind. I'm not even sure what I think DH would add to the situation if it happened and if he were here! I just need reassurance that I'm going to be ok and that chances are we'll all have a good week. Aghhh I wish I were more chilled out!!

[madmouse]

You won't be on your own Becky - you know where I am when you need a chat or some company.

I sympathise with you loads. DS has had this cough for a week and a half and is now on ABs for a chest infection and a sore throat. He's just eaten 4 biscuits and has been doing an awful lot of bouncing and playing this morning, yet I'm tired, tearful and scared that it won't be all better soon.

Shall we hold hands?

[cjbartlett]

{{{{{hug}}}}}

getting out into the fresh air will help your mood

could you ring friends and organise to go to a local fireworks display tonight to take your mind off things?

[BeckyBendyLegs]

Yes please madmouse - you're so lovely, thank you. I also still have this cough lurgie - two weeks now, though I think it is getting better. DS2 has it as well. DS3 (Mr Toes) has been really grumpy today and that always makes me think 'oh-oh, what's he brewing?'. They are all at the moment swimming with the grandparents so I do have some help at hand. I think I'll be fine but I do worry that I'll get a bit anxious in the evenings, my worst time of day.

Cjbartlett thanks to you too for the hug, great idea but thing is I hate fireworks! I also have a phobia of loud noises as well as sickness but three of my 'mummy' friends have decided to descend on me this evening with a Chinese takeaway, which is sooo sweet of them. It will really help as I am sure this weekend will be the hardest part.

I'm such a wuss though, really, silly. Fresh air does help, as does painting (one of my hobbies). I've done some painting this morning instead of working and it was really therapeutic.

Oh sounds like the DSs are back!

[orangeflutie]

Becky My DH goes away a lot so I understand how you feel. I get anxious in the evenings too and on a weekend the days can feel very long. This time of year is more difficult as we all seem to be in a lot more aswell. I find it normally helps if we've all been out of the house.

I'm lucky in that I have a friend in a similar situation so we often meet up and swap houses and manage to dilute the DC a bit. It sounds like you've got some good friends too.

You'll probably find the week will go quickly with the school routine etc.

Hope this helps x

[BeckyBendyLegs]

Hi Orangeflutie thanks for that. It does help. Feeling quite anxious at the moment, only because it is getting dark and my mum and sister have just gone home (we've all just been to town together). It just feels so silly as there is nothing to be anxious about at all. My stomach is churned! I wish there was a way I could be chilled and just go with the flow.

[madmouse]

Becky if I was only anxious when I had reason life would be so much easier!! In fact when something is the matter I can be quite calm, it's when I start imagining things that it goes wrong!

[BeckyBendyLegs]

That's true, me too I guess!

[BeckyBendyLegs]

The DSs are being lovely though, it has to be said. Happily playing. I did just tell The Boy Next Door that he can't come over as I'm not in the mood for four boys today. DS1 is playing with his cars stickers, DS2 is a pirate, and DS3 is putting puzzle pieces into three cups. They are lovely. I need to remind myself of these things when I'm feeling anxious.

Madmouse hope your DS is still feeling quite bouncy and happy :)

[BeckyBendyLegs]

Weirdly I feel a bit better now, I wonder whether it is because I know he's landed (although he has another plane to catch at 9pm).

[GetDownYouWillFall]

Hi becky am thinking of you. I know this is something you struggle with, and I totally relate. DH was away two nights this week, and although my mum came to stay, I still ended up in a complete panicky state. DH was back yesterday but I ended up taking it out on him which was totally not fair, and as a result I had a really crappy night of tossing and turning and then finally drifting off only to be woken by the baby, so feeling dreadful today.

Just wanted to say that I am here too, I don't have a lot of time to post at the moment but will look out for this thread. You too madmouse. Sorry to hear you are feeling wobbly too. DS getting ill is a big trigger for you isn't it.

DH gone out with DD tonight for a fireworks thing, I am here with the baby. Feeling quite low actually. Not been out today which was a bad idea as feeling pretty grotty now.

[madmouse]

Thank you Getdown hope you're ok x

ds has had a good day, no worries really so I'm frustrated that I can still not relax that well.

I'm seeing a private therapist on Monday as I have decided that the wait on the NHS is too long and life is too short. She's a well trained psychologist trained in EMDR and CBT. Hope to tackle things head on and get my life back a bit.

[BeckyBendyLegs]

GetDown it is lovely to hear from you. I think about you a lot, wondering how you are doing. Hope you're feeling a bit brighter today, DS1 and DS2 are going to see the fireworks this evening with the PILs so I am sure I will feel a bit blaaa just here with DS3 this evening. How old is your DS now?

I survived last night. My friends came to keep me company and I chucked them out at midnight but then couldn't sleep because I was all wired up and also DS1 started coughing so I just felt a bit panicky thinking 'what if he's going to be sick?' So silly. I felt the usual panicky feelings kicking in so listened to our old friend Mr McKenna and fell asleep but DS3 woke me at 5am until 6.30am with a bit of moaning and crying :( But feel ok today and the anxiety is actually much reduced.

Madmouse it is good that you are doing something proactive, I think CBT is fab stuff. I don't know about EMDR, what is that? I like CBT because it doesn't probe into the reason for your anxiety, it gives you ways to cope and helps you put things in perspective. It has really helped me.

Right, off to have a bath while DS3 pulls the bathroom apart and DS1 and DS2 pull the rest of the house apart...

[MissBetsyTrotwood]

Mine's away loads too. The anxiety definitely increases loads when he is away and I can totally relate to the fear of being alone and sick/dealing with sickness. The symptoms of my anxiety get more frequent (checking the DSs, tight, tense feeling stomach etc)

Do your friends know or do you hide it from them? And, hello... midnight! They sound like really good fun and good mates. You don't sound alone to me, but I know this is totally subjective.

It's good to hear that CBT is helping you. At the very least it reminds you you're not alone in feeling the way you do about illness!

GetDown I think I remember you from a driving thread? I am honestly not a stalker, just your name's really memorable. Sorry you had a bad day yesterday and hope you got out today.

[BeckyBendyLegs]

Hello MissBT - I'm not alone at all, I know that if I needed help I could call on it, which does help. DH's parents live 20 mins away too. I do hide it though. They had no idea how anxious I felt yesterday! They thought I was just lonely and in need of company.

I do feel much better today, tired though. So going to bed after Big Brother zzzz

[madmouse]

How's it going Becky

ds is sooo much better, well let's say he's better. Didn't eat his dinner but that seems to have been toddler psychological warfare as he heard me mention biscuits to dh at the table and he requested more biscuits, then said he wanted to play....

EMDR is Eye Movement Desensitation and Reprocessing. It's a technique for the treatment of trauma, it helps heal traumatic memories. She thinks I'm still traumatised from ds's early weeks in hospital and I feel retraumatised after a brief hospital stay last year, and my anxiety over ds may have a lot to do with that.

[MissBetsyTrotwood]

Mmm, I find that if the ILs are around it takes the 'edge' off the crisis iykwim. Will the DCs be back to school tomorrow? Will that help?

Hey, madmouse my toddler didn't eat his either, if that's any comfort. He was too busy dancing to the music on the radio. And we were laughing at him.

[BeckyBendyLegs]

Hi everyone, madmouse glad your DS is better, it really is amazing how they bounce down, then bounce up again, so quickly. Lol at the toddler psychological warfare - Toes is getting good at that too! That EDMR sounds interesting. Interesting what she says about your trauma too. I don't know much about it of course but I know that you are suffering quite badly with anxiety still and I remember what you went through last year, so it sounds very plausible to me. Onwards and upwards :)

MissBT I know what you mean, I can call on the ILs if there was a crisis and I know they'd come running but if it were a bug I'd feel reluctant as I don't want to pass it on! I certainly wouldn't call on my mum, even though it would be her I'd want the most, she is in her seventies now (she lives 40 mins away).

I realise that I am being such a wuss about this week, I do know that and I was telling myself that at half past midnight when I couldn't get to sleep because I was feeling anxious, first about the fact that the two older DSs came home very late last night from a bonfire display with the ILs and were exhausted and grumpy (silly to worry about that, I know) and then about the fact I couldn't sleep (didn't help that the freezer was sounding it's 'I'm too cold' alarm too)! Then I did get to sleep and DS3 woke me at 5am, I think he's teething, until 6.17am (very precise, that's the last time I looked at the clock after giving him another cuddle). Ho hum, this is life, I know I'm ok, I've had enough sleep to get by, and it is school today for DS1 and DS2.

[BeckyBendyLegs]

I've just remembered I watched a BBC news item about what sounds like EDMR - it was only the other day so it might still be there. It was specifically about curing people of addiction to the internet (under the health section) but it did also mention trauma.

[GetDownYouWillFall]

Hi again, hope you are doing ok becky. I've been feeling quite anxious No particular reason either, which is more worrying for me. My brain seems to be anxious first, and then latch onto something e.g. worrying about Christmas presents, people I haven't sent thank you cards to etc. etc. stupid things. Arrghh.

I was very sleepy last night, but DS was up loads so feel grotty again. He'll be 8 weeks on wednesday but no sign of sleeping through the night yet. And I have to be up to get DD to school at 9am, it's always such a rush and a stress to get out the house in the morning.

Have you heard from your DH? Hope he is getting on ok, and you are not feeling too stressed.

Hi there MissBetsy! Had to about stalking!! Yes, you're right it was me on the driving thread... still hate driving and avoid it whereever possible !!!

How are you doing madmouse?

[BeckyBendyLegs]

GetDown I think the anxiety is completely understandable - you have two children to look after, including a small baby who is not yet sleeping through, and Christmas is coming! It is very hard to deal with all that and think about other people (ie what to get for Christmas etc). They might seem stupid things to be anxious about but I worry about the little stuff too so I know how you feel.

I haven't done anything towards Christmas yet, and don't intent to until after DS1 and DS3's brithdays. I am sure I will get stressed about it still.

[MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll]

Becky I get vry anious when DH goes away too....he has to go to Oz sometimes and I hate it...I fiind hat getting a really strong routine helps m, as does a LOT of nice food!

[BeckyBendyLegs]

I like the idea of nice food - I do eat all the things DH wouldn't want to eat - and I treat myself to a glass of wine every night when he's away. I also get to watch whatever I want on TV! No Dr Who, Torchwood or that zombie thing he likes to watch, Walking Dead, this week.

[MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll]

Yes! Telly all to youself! I love that....and the DDs always know that Daddy away means lots and lots of CAKE! I make loads as a keeping my mind occupied thing! Try some baking....very theraputic!

[BeckyBendyLegs]

I feel a bit better today, sleep wise, and that is despite being awake from 12.30-3am thanks to DS3 deciding that he wanted to be awake then! He ended up in bed with me chatting happily about DH, his brothers, Upsy Daisy, and all sorts. I was so not in the mood for a chat at that time of night. Anyway, I'm half way through now so things are going ok. I have a lot to keep me occupied for the rest of the week: meeting in Solihull tomorrow, parents' evening Thursday, and extra work to do in the evening tonight.

[madmouse]

Hi Becky glad you sound in better spirits today despite lack of sleep. I have finally relaxed enough to sleepp, and now dh and ds kept me awake from 5 ish as dh was snottering and coughing and then gave up sleeping and read in bed then got up, and ds started singing and chattering at 6. They woke me up and as I was sore from that fall yesterday I could not get comfy - took nurofen and then dropped off half an hour before alarm!!

Solihull - you won't be far from me then tomorrow :)

Meeting with psychologist went well and we are starting EMDR on Monday. She is very experienced and got to grips very quickly with my personal story (which she found pretty shocking :( ) - very different from those NHS checklist assessments that I'm used to, she made links all over the place. Typically my NHS appointment has come through now too in a month's time but with dh's encouragement I have decided to stick with this lady as she seems better able to meet my needs. That's a big step for me, chosing to spend that kind of money on me!