How do you keep going when you feel like curling up in a ball?

[NamesAllGone]

I am feeling utterly rubbish just now. This is my third time round with depression - although in reality it is sort of more that it is always there to some extent but just better at some times than others. I finally went to Drs 2 weeks ago and was given Fluoxetine. I have had the odd better day since starting it, but on the whole still have most days where I just feel so utterly rubbish. Everything is just too much for me. What I really need is for everything to stop for a bit, but it wont! I really can't take time of work(I work 80% of full time) - I would just find it too hard explaining why (ridiculous I know, especially as I work in Mental Health!) I cant give up my job (much as I'd love too) cause then we'd probably end up losing the house which I couldnt bare. I have 6 DC aged 3,6,7,9,12 and 13. We have NO family or friends any where nearby, and DH works long hours , and is currently in the middle of total stress at work too so not really able to take on much else.I have tried getting the older DC to do more, but they are actually hopeless at helping out - our fault I know - think we have no doubt spoiled them all but they all take advantage of me and expect me to do everything I am trying to ignore as much of the housework as possible, but the house is a tip, and the washing is never ending etc.....I just cant keep up, and wnat it all to stop - but it wont
I just read a very interesting book "depressive illness the curse of the strong" - and it says that you need to rest, to stop , to get better - but what if you really just cant?Thinking back the first time I had PND I got better the quickest and that time I gave up my job, and DH was able to take over a lot more to give me a break, but this time there is just no way I can stop.
I know that sounds such a self pittying post - but I am just so fed up
How do you all keep going when you feel so rubbish?

[nomadwantshome]

Crikey you've got alot on your plate. Sorry I won't be much help. I'm having a bad day and want to do exactly what you want to do....curl up in a ball. Just waiting to feel a bit better really, it's shit.

I know how hard it is to get kids to help, it's more trouble than it's worth and so the cycle goes on! Rather I trudge on and do it all myself and then moan that no one helps, lol.

We don't have any friends or family to speak of either. I'm trying to get socialising to make friends in our new area but always too busy, too down or flipping knackered. Everythings such an effort.

Do you have some leave to take and just chill out whilst the kids aren't there? I think that's what I'll be doing very shortly. My boss was asking me what was wrong today, knew I was bad when I just wanted to scream and walk out.

[NamesAllGone]

thanks nomad. sorry to hear you are having a bad day too.
Unfortunately I dont have any leave I can take just now - it is all ear marked for school holidays/inset days/christmas concerts etc....
and this is the worst time of the year too of course....endless extra things at school, shopping, organising etc....and dd3 has Aspergers so always goes into total meltdown this half term with all the changes at school....sigh...
I wish I was a hibernating animal - I would seriously like to just go to sleep till Spring.
I am so fed up of feeling this rubbish - I just want to get on with being a good mummy - instead of a grumpy, exhausted, rubbish mummy for a change.

[Naetha]

Hey, just wanted to post a solidarity post. I just want the world to stop and go away for a bit, but on the flip side, as soon as I get any peace and quiet from the kids I sink even further into depression and feel so lonely.
We've just moved to a new area so I have no friends; DH has a very busy stressful job, no leave available for him to take, but a good supportive group of friends, so although he understand what I'm going through (he's had depression in the past) he has more to distract him. All I can do is dwell on how miserable my life is.
People keep on telling me to go out and make new friends, but of the hundred or so people I've spoken to in the last 6 weeks, I've only really got on with about three of them, and it's difficult to push a friendship when you see that person infrequently.
I know it will come in time, but right now it's miserable, and I'm fed up of meeting streams of faceless people who I don't really have any interest in, and are only interested in me on a very superficial level. Even my DCs haven't really clicked with anyone they've met.
I guess you just get through it one day at a time. Any day you get through is a small victory. I'm on citalopram for the depression, and valium for the anxiety attacks. I know the citalopram effects are worse before they get better, but right now everything is shit.

[NamesAllGone]

Neatha, sorry to hear you are struggling too. You are right about taking things one day at a time.Hope today is a better day for you.
Today I am so totally rubbish though. Woke up about 4am with my whole body just full of tingling/anxiety type feelings before I had even had chance to think of anything to make me anxious! My head is spinning, my stomach churning and my hands shaking In fact I felt SO bad that I have rung in sick to work - havent specified why, just said I wont be in as I'm unwell. Not sure what to do - may just take a couple of days off sick see if that helps. Not sure I can face getting signed off by GP as the return and all the explanations would just make everything worse.
I am being SUCH a failure as a mother. I hate myself for being like this. What is wrong with me???? I have 6 gorgeous helathy children who deserve so much better, and all I do is let them down all the time. I am feeling no better for the fluoxetine - not sure if I feel worse, although felt fairly dire before I started it.....everything is such a mess. If I didnt have kids I'd just give up.What is the point. I am such a mess. Not sure I will ever get myself sorted out.
I watched my Mum battle through horrendous depression for years when I was a child. I hated it. didnt understand it at all at the time, just knew she was always shouting, being irrational, crying, dissappearing for days on end,being admitted to hospital...etc. I swore I would never do that to my kids, but now I am doing exactly the same thing....why cant I stop myself........

[NanaNina]

Oh namesallgone - have just asked if you felt a tiny bit better on another thread but can see from your post today that you are not any better. Your symptoms sound more like anxiety don't they, the churning stomach and shaking hands. You did say that you work in Mental Health. Surely then your boss/colleagues would be able to see how unwell you are and would understand if you needed to be signed off. I honestly don't know how long you can cope - something has to give - can you not have some time off work so that some of the pressure is taken from you.

You are not a failure as a mother, you have an illness and a very horrid one, and it makes us hate ourselves and feel that there is something that we should be able to do to make us better, and often we feel ashamed. We don't feel like this with a physical illness but with mental health it's the nature of the beast I'm afraid - that's why I think it is such a deceitful illness.

I think that depression and anxiety can be inherited and you may well have this illness because of your mother's illness. You must try to believe that you simply cannot stop yourself feeling the way you do, no more that you could mend your own broken leg.

I am saying all this because I am having a few weeks respite from my depression, which comes and goes, but when my bad days come I go round the house saying "this is not who I am - I think it is so scarey to feel like a stranger in your own body, and feel the absence of any emotion.

Maybe the ADs will kick in soon - I don't think you've been on then long have you. Sending warm wishes NNx

[NamesAllGone]

Thanks NN. Glad to hear you are having a good patch just now.
Today I feel quite a bit better. Think it helped a lot having yesterday off, and in fact I decided last night to take the rest of the week off, so have rung in sick. Hopefully it will give me enough "space" to just rest a bit and hope the ADs start kicking in properly and I'll be able to go back next week. I do feel bad for letting people down at work, but I need to get well too.
I am thinking that the anxiety bit has actually got worse since starting the fluoxetine - I know this can happen initially. I have been on them just over 2 weeks now, so am going to give it another week or so and see how I feel and if still V anxious may go back to GP and consider an alternative.....
I am going to try not to over do it today - as I definitely do that - rush around doing loads when I am having a better day, then end up having 2/3 crap days.....so will try and pace myself and see if I can not end up having another crap day tomorrow. It is so odd though how one day I can wake up feeling not to bad, then the next day I can barely force myself out of bed....
oh well, off for a cuppa .

[NanaNina]

Well done you for taking the rest of the week off and pacing yourself. I know exactly what you mean about the day to day changes that take place with depression. I can go to bed feeling fine, and the next morning wake up feeling shite. It's the nature of the beast I'm afraid - just another trick depression likes to play on us! I had a severe episode of depression last Easter and and 3 months in psych ward but ever since I have been fine for a few weeks 2/3 maybe (but this time 7 - longest I have ever gone) and the the "blips" as the medics call them descend. I can't make any plans as I am just not reliable. I used to meet my gr/chdrn from school 3 days a week but they have had to go to a childminder because I cannot be relied upon, although I can collect them from c/mdr if I'm ok.

You are right about the AD causing more anxiety in the beginning - it is hell isn't it. You need to give the AD more time to kick in - can be up to 4 weeks I think. Mind you must let some of your workload go as that is part of the problem. You may need to be signed off work for a few weeks/months (dare I say) as the ADs are unlikely to give you the maximum benefit if you are "running on empty" as it were.

Take care - glad you feel a bit better today. It's a real sod isn't it, not knowing how you are going to be from day to day and so hard to describe to anyone who have not suffered this horrid illness.