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I really really need to cut myself right now please talk to me.

(14 Posts)
SelfHarmAnon Mon 24-Oct-11 13:14:22

I'm due on my period next week my depression goes into meltdown right around this time of the month even though I'm on anti-depressents and usually better than this.

Right now I'm sat in my bedroom sobbing and I need to cut myself I know how weak that is but it is honestly cut myself or kill myself I just need some release.

I just want to be normal so much, I can go a week on my AD's feeling normal even happy then a week before my periods due bang I'm back to being the crazy fucking idiot who can't leave her house without a panic attack and considers suicide pretty much 24-7.

Its not fair, I want to be like everyone else I want to be happy I want to not have to cut myself I want to enjoy my life. I hate hate hate who I am and what I am. Lonely, Afraid, Unable to be happy. What is the honest point of living like this? You'd put an animal down if it was miserable well I'm fucking miserable and yet I still can't pick up that fucking knife and kill myself I'm alone right now its perfect no ones here to stop me so why the fuck can't I do it!

I'll cut myself and I'll think about taking it further but I'll wimp out and I'll just go on being miserable but one of these months I'll snap and then I can finally have some peace.

TheFidgetySheep Mon 24-Oct-11 13:15:17

As I understand it, cutting is a coping mechanism. You will cope. If you need to feel some pain right now, can you go and get some ice cubes from the freezer and hold them tight?

MangoMonster Mon 24-Oct-11 13:23:29

You've posted instead of harming yourself so you are making progress. Things may seem really bleak right now, but they could be better tomorrow. I think you need to speak to your gp about whether you need to change AD. Hope you're doing ok, well, as well as you can be.

Flossbert Mon 24-Oct-11 13:25:52

Can you go out? Just be out, and around people?

Hope that doesn't sound flippant, but didn't want to read and run.

Cartoonjane Mon 24-Oct-11 13:26:05

I nearly didn't look at this thread because I was scared of it and thought I wouldn't know what to say so I'm sorry in advance if my ideas are all rubbish. I am so sorry you feel like you do, it's a horrible, desperate feeling. Is there anyone at all (even the Samaritans) that you can bear to think of talking to? If you can, maybe you should try that just to see you over the worst time.

Does your GP know how bad it gets for you? There must surely be something that could help you to not feel this bad if it's a hormonal thing.

It may be of little comfort but if you are young, this may get better as you get older. I used to suffer pretty badly, not evrey month but when it was bad it was really awful but it lessened and lessened through my thirties.

EmpressOfTheZombieDucks Mon 24-Oct-11 13:30:46

Hi SelfHarmAnon

I have a fair idea how you feel, I managed to stop cutting with the help of CBT but I was doing it for about 8 years. And the mere fact that you're still here says you're not weak.

You said this always happens at this time of the month? And then things get better again? So you know the getting better's going to happen, too.

I know the kind of release cutting gives, but it doesn't actually make you happy does it? And it sounds like you know that because you're on here talking and you hate doing it, by the sound of it.

People kept telling me to stop but I had to be ready, I needed to want to stop for me, not them. It took me a long while but it sounds like you're there already.

FidgetySheep has a good point about the ice cubes. Other things that worked for me were putting on music at full volume - or just singing songs very loudly in my head if that wasn't an option - running up & down stairs as fast as I could and throwing things. And a lot of crying. And letting the feelings come, acknowledging them, letting them wash over you and go on their way.

Maybe it's worth talking to your GP again?

Flossbert Mon 24-Oct-11 13:32:04

Sorry OP - have just read that going out gives you panic attacks.

I wish I could hold your hand. It will pass. Just ride it out. Be stronger than the urge.

SelfHarmAnon Mon 24-Oct-11 13:38:29

Thank you for talking to me you've all made me cry again.

I haven't spoken to my GP about how bad it gets again this time of the month because I'm scared they won't belive me, I'm pretty much scared of everything that involves other people now.

I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough and I cut myself not much and not deep but I needed that release so much now I'm scared for when DH gets home because he'll be so disapointed in me for doing it.

I want to be better than this but its bloody hard, All those people that can stand up and say that you fought through it you should be so proud of yourselves I don't think I can do that.

TheFidgetySheep Mon 24-Oct-11 13:40:40

Well take care of yourself and make sure it is clean and has first aid.
I think it might be worth speaking to your GP. It sounds a miserable burden to carry.

Flossbert Mon 24-Oct-11 13:55:12

Don’t be sorry. It’s done. Maybe you could try thinking of different coping strategies when you’re feeling OK, that you’d be able to use when you’re not feeling OK. What used to work for me was a kind of “enforced normality”. I’d make myself ring someone – if I couldn’t face a chat with friends or family, I’d ring EDF and ask them to send a copy of the last bill, or whatever. Or go out and do some pointless grocery shopping. Anything that would give the impression of normality even if I didn’t feel it. Eventually the acting paid off.

Also, the “disappointment” factor was fairly instrumental in making me want to put a stop to the cutting. And the thought of having to explain the scars to my children. I hope your DH will be supportive, and not judge you.

You will be OK, OP.

And what FidgetySheep said about first aid is a good point.

GRW Mon 24-Oct-11 14:01:14

I am sorry you are hurting so much. Don't feel guilty that you gave in to the urge to cut yourself. You clearly want to stop, and that is a good first step. It's definately worth talking to your GP, because if your symptoms are related to your menstrual cycle a contraceptive pill may help.

C4ro Mon 24-Oct-11 14:05:50

Well done is done but at least it was only a small one. Tomorrow is another day.

Do talk to your GP, it's a horrible compulsion to resist and they will take your worries seriously. I used to try and run from it with booze which, of course, was a terrible distraction and I'd end up cutting with smashed glass. Things that may help; changed meds, additional meds, CBT, learn some distraction techniques, removal of stress factors. You can get through this, please don't despair.

jomal Mon 24-Oct-11 14:58:38

Hi SelfHarmAnon, the brave thing is what you're doing, reaching out to others for help. Have you ever looked at the Linden method for help? Google it and ask me any questions about it- I;ve had great success with it recently with my daughter

EmpressOfTheZombieDucks Mon 24-Oct-11 16:12:43

I tried to hide my cuts from DP, it got to the stage where if I turned the light off before getting undressed she knew exactly what it meant. She almost forced me to go to the GP in the end.

You're not weak and you don't need to be sorry. Like other people have said, just having the guts to come here & talk about it means you're not weak. I really would go back to your GP. Would your DH go with you and reinforce just how bad it is?

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