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I don't have a subject(3 Posts)
I don't have much of anything at the moment and I'm not even sure how to put it. I guess I feel like I am wading through deep water. There are times when I don't feel like this but they are shorter than the times that I do. I felt really shitty earlier this year, there were reasons for this (my ex was making my life hell and I had issues with my DD) but I managed to come out of it over the summer. However the last 2 weeks I can feel myself starting to wade through the water again. The children are being hard work but I don't know if that's because I have been feeling shit or whether they are the reason I feel shit. I often have months where I am fine and then I seem to slip back again - sometimes there is a valid reason and sometimes there isn't.
I feel empty like I am saying words and doing things but it isn't making sense to me. I feel like I am going through the motions, I am keeping on top of my house work, doing the practical things I need to do wit hthe kids, mostly keeping on top of work (although my motivation is severely lacking in that department). I just feel like I have been syringed of all my care and energy. I get on with things, tick them off my little to do list but I don't care if they are done well or not. Socially I am pretty shit. I really can't be arsed to make the effort but once I do, I feel better for it. I have to physically force myself out the house to see friends sometimes or take the kids out. When I am surrounded by people I feel like it doesn't matter whatI say because it's not really me anyway and I can't connect to what other people are saying. I find myself zoning out when people talk to me. My concentration is shit.
I feel as if I don't matter, that my life doesn't matter. I don't feel suicidal but could quite happily disappear for a bit. It doesn't take much to hurt my feelings either, I feel so sensitive to everything initially but then I feel like it doesn't matter because I don't matter. Then I want to go home with my children and curl up and get away from everything and everyone to get in that protective bubble away from things that can hurt us.
I hate asking for help - even practical help. I have no real support network. I use the excuse that my family lives across the other end of the country and my ex is inconsistent but really I have isolated myself. I had my children when I was young and everyone said I'd mess up so I guess a part of that has made me want to prove them wrong by doing it all by myself without asking for help. But even when people do offer I refuse, it's like I am purposefully alienating myself to get people away from me but then I get irrationally angry when they do actually get away! It makes no sense to me! I am scared that my children will grow up like me, pushing people away not able to ask for help. I am scared the way I am will effect them in the long run. My mother was quite similar to this, she isolated herself, never been social so maybe it's genetic!? I am a good mum, essentially anyway. They are fed well, homework is always done, they are clean and healthy and do after school activities but I find myself snapping at them sometimes. I feel like they are sometimes syringing me of my last ounce of energy, it's like they always want something from me and there are times I just want to shut down. Sometimes it gets too much and I am shit at keeping my emotions in when I get overloaded. The kids were being a handful tonight and I got really cross and shouted at them and then I felt so guilty I went downstairs and burst into tears. They heard me and now I feel like crap. I explained to them afterwards that mummy was just tired and sometimes it doesn't take much to make me feel sad but that I was sorry.
There's no middle ground with me. I either feel emotionally numb, like I'm not really here or else I fele so emotionally overwhelmed that I can't control myself. I feel quite lost at times and it's like I am waiting for something to happen. I don't know what that something is but I think that feeling can often make me feel anxious or panicky. I am still functioning so that counts for something right? I just feel like I have no real direction, no goal and that I am quite often useless at everything I try. Then if I am actually good at something I convince myself that I am actually rubbish. Am I just suffering from low self esteem?
I have been through several horrific things in the last 10 years including the suicide (in front of me) of my child's father and getting into a very unhealthy relationship on the rebound. Is that related? Do I just have issues that I haven't dealt with? i am very good at sticking my head in the sand and keep singing 'lalala' in my head and hoping it goes away quickly! I keep a journal recording my thoughts and emotions which helps, writing this down helped too. I don't know what's wrong with me or if there even is anything wrong with me. I'm tired of living but still want to live. I just want someone to do it for me for a while, you know?
I don't have answers for you, but saw this and didn't want it to go unanswered.
A lot of what you described in the first few paragraphs sounded fairly run of the mill 'being a working mother' thing to me (I'm not an expert at all though), but then read the last couple of paragraphs and it's no wonder that you're struggling, and that, together with having seen your mother be socially withdrawn, must make it harder for you than most to just 'get on with it'.
I would suggest that you talk to an MH expert about the repercussions of having seen your child's father kill himself. That must be overwhelming.
What age are your children? Can you start making 'playdates' (hate that word) with their friends and start making acquaintances with their mums/parents? You said earlier that you enjoy it when you do go out. I think you should bite the bullet and put yourself out there.
I am sorry you are feeling so low.
For me the two first paragraphs don't sound that "normal".. It's not that everyday has to be amazing, but you should expect to be at least on an even emotional level while going about daily life.
You sound like a strong woman but you must start accepting help from others...No need to do it all yourself. I also think that you really need to talk to your GP. He/She will be able to refer you to support groups, counsellors etc...
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