i think i am depressed, could i be? i don't know where to start getting help

[MistyMountainHop]

i think i might be depressed. i know i need to go to the doctors but i don't know where to start, i feel liek a ten minute appointment wouldn't be long enough. i am also worried they won't take me seriously. i really feel like i need some proper help but i don't know what. i cant afford counselling and i know its really hard to get on the nhs. i just constantly feel like crying, am always angry with DH and the DC, am constantly tired, life is just hard at the moment, i feel like i am wading through treacle if that makes sense. also recently i have realised that i need to deal with certain stuff i went through growing up, nothing very serious like abuse or anything, but self esteem issues (possibly stemming from my parents not being that great) i have never dealt with. i tried to talk to DH about it but he just doesnt understand he just "doesn't believe in stuff like that" and i dont think him not understanding is helping my frame of mind. i feel like i am just going through the motions of life at the minute. i feel sad all the time but also i feel numb. when i am in social situations i feel kind of disengaged, like i am not really there. i am being a shit mum as well because all my dc do is annoy me and i want to be away from them all the time. ie, to type this post i have yelled at them to go play outside (so i can concentrate) in fact i have barely even spoken to them since school pick up. other than to chuck them a drink and a snack so they don't "bother" me :( i feel like i don't want them around, every time they ask for me it annoys me. i even get cross if one of them starts crying, i just think oh ffs what NOW! although i love them dearly. i don't want them to have a shit relationship with their parents like i did.
i am sure its affecting me physically as well, i have had really bad back pain for the last few days. just want to feel normal again but i don't know where to start.
god i have just upset dd by telling her to "go away" :( she is only 2. the other one is 5 btw.
well i have really rambled here, i am sorry its long. but i wanted to quickly get everything out while i have got five mins "peace"

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

You do need to go see your doctor.

If you are afraid of not being able to get your message across in the consultation, then try writing down (in bullet points; less overwhelming) the things you feel and are concerned about, your physical symptoms as well, and what you would like from the GP (referral to counselling, medication, ...)

Help is there: you just need to ask for it.

There is a way out of feeling this way.

[reckoner]

As self-help I would recommend a book called 'Mind over mood' and living life to the full

Do go to see your GP or health visitor (he was the first person I told about feeling depressed and he was so helpful). The doctor might recommend tablets or counselling. I had a counselling assesment today and the waiting list wasn't too bad, I was referred only two weeks ago.

[Upwardandonward]

You could ask for a double appointment if you're worried about time.

[NanaNina]

Oh Misty - how long has this been going on. I am no medic but it sounds to me like you have depression (which is a just as real as any physical ailment). I have been struggling to fully recover from a major episode of depression since last Easter - the ADs have helped me enormously but I still get bouts of depressed days every few weeks. Only people who have experienced this horrid illness can understand it. My DP tries but he doesn't really understand and I can see why - I didn't understand it until it happened to me.

You are talking about wanting to be left alone (especially by small children wanting this that and the other) and that is exactly what we want to do when depressed - withdraw from everything and stay under the duvet. I am very fortunate that my kids are all grown and I realy really think it must be so hard for you young mums to have to battle this horrid illness with young children to care for.

OK so you acknowledge that you need to see a GP and that is exactly what you must do. So tomorrow morning, pick up the phone and make an appt, with a decent GP if you have one at your practice. Someone has suggested writing down you symptoms in bullet points which is a god idea, so tonight you can do that (I know I'm being bossy) but when we are depressed we have no motivation to do anything.

1. Wanting to withdraw - be left alone
   
2. Can't cope very well with the children ( and NO they will not think of taking your children into care, as so many young mums on here seem to think)
   
3. Feel constantly sad
   
4. Always on the verge of tears
   
5. Can't engage with others - feel disconnected
   
6. Feelings of anger and frustration
   
7. Tiredness and numbness
   

And anything else that comes to mind. Why do you think you won't be take seriously. 1 in 4 people will suffer from depression at some point in their lives and 6 people suffer at any one time. You will not be telling the GP anything he/she hasn't heard dozens and dozens of time before.

When I finally went to my GP I just burst into tears, and told her how I felt and she understood right away (passed me a tissue!) People experience different symptoms when depressed but I can tell you that your symptoms are shouting loud and clear that you are depressed. I think you will find ADs help you a lot - only they take 2 - 4 weeks to kick-in and sometimes you have to try a couple before you get the one that suits you, because they act differently on different people. To be honest I think you need something to get you up off the floor (so to speak) before you start thinking of counselling. On the NHS you are usually offered CBT for 6 weeks and there is usually a waiting list. However it's not impossible to see a counsellor on the NHS (I am seeing a clinical psychologist on the NHS) In time you may need to look under the surface of your life at your childhood issues, but this is not the time. It's like having a broken leg, you can't try to walk until the bone has healed and the cast is off IFYSWIM

I don't think it's much good trying to get your DH to understand to be honest though it would help so much if he could support you. When you have seen the GP and been diagnosed, can you talk to him about the depression and how it is affecting you but you are hoping the meds will help you. Ask him to be patient for a while and give more hugs. I think when we are depressed we return to an almost child like state and want someone to look after us not having to look after anyone else.

Think I've said enough, but please please get to your GP asap and don't worry about the 10 mins - you could book a double slot as has been suggested, but many GPs got to 15/20 mins if necessary.

Do you know what has triggered this depression by the way?

Please let us know how you get on and post again as there is lots of support, especially for young mums like yourself. There will be brighter times ahead but you won't be able to believe that now.

Sending you good wishes and be kind to yourself - you deserve it.

[divedaisy]

MistyMountainHop
NanaNina has basically nailed everything I was going to say to you.
Depression is common so no need to feel embarrassed by seeing your GP.
Write down main problems - short temper, disengaged, tired, crying etc.
Councelling will come in time - antidepressants work so don't be afraid of taking them, neither are they addictive. Talk on here when you need to - there are plenty of us that have first hand experience of what you are going through - nothing you have said is a shock or unusual.
I too have 2 kids (8 &2) and I live in a push-pull world with them - push them away and pull them close... I love them dearly and then I dont have the energy or patience... your kids love you as you are.
Let us know how you get on. You're taking the biggest step - acknowledging to yourself there is a problem and finding the strength to speak about it - and if you can;t speak about it just hand over your list... thats how I did it.
xx

[MistyMountainHop]

hi

thank you all so much for your replies, esp nananina for taking the time to write such a long post, i am sorry i haven't been back on here to answer yet, i still haven't booked a gp appointment, i just can't motivate myself to (sounds pathetic) as, 1, i will have to take my youngest dc with me and it will be hard to have a conversation with her there, and 2, the gp surgery are really difficult to get an appointment with a specific doctor and the ones i have seen there in the past have been absolutely crap, for example, last year i had a severe allergic reaction which i ended up in A & E with after them fobbing me off on about 3 different appointments as i got worse and worse, anyway, i digress but lets just say i don't have much faith in them. stupid really as it can't get any worse if i DO go can it.

i think someone asked if there was anything that triggered this, well, i have other stuff going on in my relationship with dh too which, in the past, i have tried to post about for advice on here (in relationships) but it ended up making me feel a whole lot worse tbh. i got such vitriol from people that i had to namechange in the end. we have tried relate but it didn't work for us, plus we couldn't really afford it. i love him so much but bad stuff has happened in our relationship that i think about every day.

[NanaNina]

Misty - god to hear from you but I think you are finding reasons why you can't see a GP!! I know some of them are crap but some aren't, so you could get an appt and you might find he/she is all right. GPs do fobb you off, as happened to you last year but it doesn't mean to say this one will.

Re - taking your youngest (how old is she?) is there no-one who could have her for 30 mins or so. If you have to take her, take colouring book and crayons or her favourite toys. If she is very young she will of course notice if you cry but she is probably used to seeing you do that anyway.

SO come on Misty - pick up that phone.....NOW!! xx

[NanaNina]

Me again! sorry didn't respond to your issue with your DH. So sorry you got such vitriol on the r/ship thread. I always wonder how people feel that they can judge what is going on in a relationship by a few lines of text on the screen, and dish out advice. Not saying this is your issue........but so many times I hear "leave him" "get rid" "pack his bags and leave on doorstep" "change the locks" etc etc.

That something that you think about every day could well be a very big contributory factor in your depression. You could ask GP to refer you for counselling - usually CBT - it might just help you.

[divedaisy]

Misty I've taken my 2year old with me and she's non the worse for it. Maybe the receptionist can keep an eye??? Bring some toys and she will probably not pay too much attention. If you can't get an appt can you not just tell the receptionist that its urgent and get one of the gps to phone you back??? I've done that in the past.
Sounds like you're in a bit of a vicious circle. Relationship probs - depression - more relationship probs etc etc. I don't know your specific issues, but I've been there with my depression causing problems in the marriage and the burden has felt all my responsibility to sort out. Maybe CBT would be a help to you, but for now you need to sort yourself out so please make that appt to see or speak to a GP... x

[MistyMountainHop]

just wanted to say i booked an appointment, its at ten am :) x

[MistyMountainHop]

thank u so much again for the advice xx

[NanaNina]

*Misty" - well done you!!
How did it go?

[divedaisy]

misty - thinking of you. how did it go? i truly hope you got the help you need.xx

[reckoner]

glad you made an appointment! how did it go?

[MistyMountainHop]

hello, thank you, it went well, i was really nervous and couldn't quite say everything i wanted. but dd behaved and was quiet so that was good.

i have been prescribed sertraline 50mg and put on the waiting list for councilling. the dr was very matter of fact about it.

have taken my second dose today and i may be imagining things but i think i already feel a slight bit better. i have also told dh who was a lot more supportive than i expected.

[NanaNina]

Really glad you got to GP Misty - you have been started on a relatively low dose I think, and they do take between 2 -4 weeks to kick in, although mine kicked in within 3/4 days. Don't worry too much if you can help it if this AD turns out to not be beneficial because the dose can be increased (I think) and sometimes you have to try a couple of ADs before you get the right one, because they work differently on different people. Just another trick that depression plays on us.

So glad you have talked to your DH and he has been supportive. He has probably been worried and is relieved that you have been to the GP which is the first step to getting better.

Keep us posted..............

[divedaisy]

Hey Misty - well done you! And well done DD!!! You're initial feelings of well being were probably due to the relief of having gone and spoken to your GP. NanaNina is right in that they will take a few weeks to start working on you so in the mean time go easy on yourself. Sometimes speaking to a matter-of-fact dr is hard, but they have experienced this on a regualr basis and can't get emotionally involved every time - they listen to you to ensure they can diagnose you properly - is it depression, anxiety, stress etc. You may have to wait a bit of time for councelling - this isn't a bad thing in my experience - in a few months time when you are feeling emotionally stronger you'll be ready to talk about things and help sort yourself out. Councelling isn't easy - it can be draining, but worth the effort. I'm pleased you've spoken to your DH as it can be very difficult for a partner - he may feel pushed away, ignored, a human punch bag (that's what my DH felt), unloved, not needed, a problem etc. Keep talking to him as much as you can and remember we're here for you too. Well done! You're on the road to recovery : ) xx

[NanaNina]

How are you doing Misty - thinking of you.