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could bereavement have triggered my anxiety?

(11 Posts)
whenwillisleepagain Sat 01-Oct-11 12:55:47

I'd really welcome some advice - I had quite a lot going on last year - I don't have siblings or cousins, so felt very responsible for the older generation of my family = mum, dad and unmarried uncle. Both my uncle and then my dad died last year. In the middle of it I had my second child, so now have 2 children under 5. I had a number of friends lose their fathers recently and I think I was aware that they had greater suffering, longer illness and also I felt my mum's loss was so much greater than mine, that I just minimised it all and assumed I was 'over' everything. Over the last two months I have not been myself - very anxious and not empathising / coping as usually. I was thinking I was a failure but then I suddenly realised this might be related to loss. The main focus of my anxiety is my DS - he started reception class 2 weeks ago and I have been excessively worried about his very mild asthma - usually no trouble to him, but causing a bit of wheezing which is all very controllable etc. I am really worried I am going to screw him up, but at same time think I need to be less hard on myself.

Just wondering if other people had had losses catch up with them further down the line and cause anything similar. thank you

madmouse Sat 01-Oct-11 13:07:51

It sounds very likely that your anxiety has been triggered by what's been happening to you. Grief and emotion need to go somewhere and if you have been pushing it away it will have found another way out. And anxiety then picks our weakest spot - our dc...

I'm exactly the same, have a very difficult personal history and am now anxious about going on holiday 7.5 hours drive away, so I'm monitoring my ds for temperatures....sigh. He's coming to the end of a mild cold and sneezed and coughed twice this morning and that's enough for me.

You are right that you need to be less hard on yourself. The fact that someone lost a parent who had been ill for longer does not mean that they have a tougher time of it. You cannot compare bereavements and you need to give yourself time and space to deal with your own.

NanaNina Sat 01-Oct-11 20:15:21

I'm pretty sure that the losses that you have suffered have contributed to your anxiety. It sounds like you've just pushed them all away and not given yourself "permission" to grieve. I don't want to worry you (more than you already are) because anxiety can often be a prelude to depression and loss is almost always the root cause of depression. Of course this doesn't always happen, but I think I am saying, monitor your emotions carefully and if you are still feeling that you are not coping and you are a failure etc, then go to the GP and talk to him/her about how you are feeling. You won't be telling them anything that they haven't heard many many times before.

Yes of course you must be less hard on yourself and try to find some time for rest and relaxation (although I know how difficult that must be with 2 under 5's.)

Hope you have a supportive H or P - and don't be afraid of talking about how you feel. Most certainly losses can "catch up" with people further down the line and there is absolutely no limit on how long that may be. I have come across women in their 80s still grieving for the child they were forced to give up for adoption in the 1950s and 60s when there was a huge stigma about unmarried mothers.

Onemorning Sat 01-Oct-11 20:23:01

I lost a close friend a few years ago, and I was horribly anxious for a while afterwards. Everything seemed so fragile and impermanent. It took quite some time to pass, I just seemed to find everything so terrifying and bad things were waiting round every corner.

It has passed, thankfully. I'm so sorry for your loss.

((whenwillIsleepagain))

Cwm Sat 01-Oct-11 20:32:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tallulah Sat 01-Oct-11 20:45:35

I lost my dad suddenly and promptly developed RSI. I was off work sick for over 6 months sad So yes it is more than possible.

Sorry for your loss. And FWIW I don't agree that your mum's loss is worse than yours. You can remarry but you only have one dad. Be kind to yourself.

AAAvegetable Sat 01-Oct-11 20:54:27

I lost my Mum six years ago. Like the OP I am an only child so the caring duties while she was ill all fell to me. I soldiered through, kept strong etc. A few months after Mum's death I was a total mess. I developed severe emetophobia (fear of vomiting). Not a classes grief despise but that's what it was. I thought I was going mad. The GP referred me for CBT and it helped alot.

I think grief manifests in many ways, it's a severe form of stress and stress causes a myriad of reactions.

I would go to the GP OP. Get some help and don't be hard on yourself.

AAAvegetable Sat 01-Oct-11 20:55:56

Bloody iPhone. That should read "not a classic grief response".

whenwillisleepagain Sun 02-Oct-11 06:45:27

thank you so much everyone and you have all been so reassuring. I agree with everything you've said BTW. I didn't say in my OP, but I do have supportive DP and I have also sorted out some talking therapies help for myself - just started, but glad it's in place. And yes, csm I think it very likely that it is my son's going to Reception that has tipped me over into unmanageable levels of worry.

I have also got a GP appt for Weds as I have a whole host of symptoms going on, the majority of which are I'm sure, going to turn out to be anxiety related.

Posting here and getting your comments has been so helpful, and I do feel like I've taken some steps to get help in RL as well... so I'm hoping things will turn a corner soon.

NanaNina Sun 02-Oct-11 14:41:27

Oh good news to hear that you have sorted out therapy and a GP visit. Let us know how it goes............sending you warm wishes

Cwm Sun 02-Oct-11 21:21:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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