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Suicidal thoughts that arent especially serious: "normal" or not?

(26 Posts)
IShouldHaveBeenAPairOfClaws Tue 27-Sep-11 13:31:56

I know that "normal" is an unhelpful term, but hopefully you know what I mean. I have never had serious depression as I have never had trouble getting out of bed in the morning and can always turn up to work and do my job OK. I try to get on with life no matter how bad I feel. But I think I have had some kind of very minor, low level depression for most of my life, if such a thing exists. I have never self harmed or attempted suicide but often think things like "it would be quite nice being dead, then I wouldn't have to worry about anything." I also think about how if all my family were killed in an accident, at least I would then have the option of guilt free suicide, if I wanted it.

These thoughts aren't that serious. I don't think I could ever bring myself to do it while I have close family. But I also wonder if I am a weirdo for thinking them. But I know that "normal" people have pretty strange thoughts sometimes too. I would be interested to know how common this is.

For what its worth, I am generally a pretty critical, pessimistic person who finds it hard to see the good in a situation and always sees the bad.

madmouse Tue 27-Sep-11 16:22:28

Don't you think it's time that you let go of the lie/mis-assumption that you have never had serious depression because you managed to get to work on time?

Do you really think that that is more indicative than wanting to be dead and always seeing the bad in things?

I think that you may be more depressed than you are willing to accept and you should probably have an honest chat with your GP.

IShouldHaveBeenAPairOfClaws Tue 27-Sep-11 18:32:36

Thanks mouse, its great to have someone elses opinion on this as I have never talked about it before to anyone. I have always been convinced that even if I do have a problem, noone can help me as presumably the only options are anti depressants or therapy. And I have heard a lot of bad things about ADs. Would be quite happy to have the therapy but I assume its impossible to get on the nhs.

orangutanraptor Tue 27-Sep-11 19:05:58

I'll be interested in the responses as I have felt exactly the same as you - would class it as mild, not serious depression. Pessimistic outlook. Can't really remember not feeling like it. But happy for most of the time, able to have a laugh with friends - just the other side of my brain found I got from 0-60 feeling low very quick over 'small' things, could feel teary for weeks, would just feel like I was getting through things rather than enjoying them and did 'daydream' about not being around. Felt it would be so much easier. Felt life was too hard. Still don't know if its 'normal'...I guess I never voiced it to anyone except my DH once though - so guess subconciously I don't think its a particularly average person on the street feeling. But I don't know.

But didn't ever feel bad enough to go to a Dr (altho' my DH did tentatively suggest it every now and again).

For me anyway someone happened - very minor, normal life stress event - that was like the straw that broke the camel's back. Not in too dramatic a way - but just went to Dr to talk about something else and just ended up crying and saying I couldn't cope, wanted counselling etc.

They do offer counselling on the NHS, but it is a bit limited in my small experience. I had CBT - 6 week wait and was mostly self lead, homework with telephone one to one. It actually was quite helpful.

Most amazing life changing difference for me was ADs. I always thought I was just a pessimist...just how I was. But on ADs I feel completely different - its like a massive weight off my shoulders. Its not for everyone, and everyone's experience may be different and not as positive as I've found it - but it has completely changed my perception of life. For the first year I never once thought about not being around. I thought I was ready to come off...but had a bit of a stressful time and out of the blue felt 'wouldn't it be easier if I wasn't here' which reaffirmed I'm not coming off them just yet. The blip went and I'm back to feeling OK now.

Sorry for the long post!

orangutanraptor Tue 27-Sep-11 19:07:09

not 'someone' ....'something' !

MangoMonster Tue 27-Sep-11 19:14:30

I think it probably is depression as I have only ever had those thoughts when going through a bad time, but like you, only thoughts, not serious, but I think you need to take action to ensure they don't get worse.

madmouse Tue 27-Sep-11 22:57:13

Again, you are making assumptions about therapy without even exploring it. FWIW I've had 14 sessions of psychotherapy on the NHS, and was then helped to find specialised low cost counselling to complete the work, and have now jsut been referred back for NHS funded CBT therapy to deal with anxiety.

ADs have side effects, but they can also give you your life back. I had a reaction against them which means I can't take 'normal ones', but my dh has been on a low dose of ADs for a while now and the difference is huge.

Don't make assumptions without information and start taking some care of yourself.

IShouldHaveBeenAPairOfClaws Wed 28-Sep-11 08:20:02

Fascinating tale, orangutan. Interesting that you got on so well with ADs and that both you and madmouse have had counselling on the nhs even if it was only a bit.

ilovearnold Thu 29-Sep-11 12:41:26

I have felt like you for a long time.even as a child.i do think that some people are wired differently in some ways - they build their brain pathways differently, or sometimes if you have had early trauma this can be the effect as it can effect the ways the pathways develop.I think that there is research to show that for whatever reasons a persons brian pathways can sometimes not develop in a way that allows transmission of serotonin- or makes it difficult- which, is i think, the feel good message to the brain,which can make peolpe have a pre disposition to feel this way??.Gps are recognising this and some prescribe anti depressants but on a low level and for me it has worked wonders.It was a releif to me that this can be a condition, and is no different to say ,thyroid...hope this helps x

qo Thu 29-Sep-11 12:49:01

I'm going to jump on this thread too, as I have been feeling like this very recently - I even thought the same as you, if dd wasn't here I could just go. A horrible thing to think and to admit to thinking sad

I can pinpoint this episode to a particular incident, but have gone downhill fast - although still dwelling on the incident that sparked this, I've also gone onto hating my life, so many things out of my control, dwelling on horrible childhood experiences, crying and feeling very lonely etc.

BUT I am not always like this, in fact I'd go so far as to say I'm usually pretty happy, and although I've been on my own for 5 years never usually feel lonely, hardly ever cry.

Not sure what the answer is.

LaTristesseDurera Thu 29-Sep-11 17:36:43

This sounds just like me. Never actively thought of committing suicide but often thought it would be nice to go to sleep and never wake up.

I've been on ADs for awhile now and they level out my moods and enable me to be a bit more relaxed when things don't go the way I want them to. I do get side effects and I know that coming off them won't be easy but it's worth it.

I've just had my first psychotherapy session today and have the next three months worth booked in. Then I'll have a review and possibly be offered some more. It took about 6 months from seeing my GP to getting here but I don't think that's too bad for the NHS really.

I really think you should go see your GP. I put off going for ages as I didn't think my depression was bad enough and that the ADs and therapy wouldn't really change anything for me but they have. I didn't feel better overnight but I do finally feel as though I've now got a fighting chance of beating this smile

IShouldHaveBeenAPairOfClaws Thu 29-Sep-11 18:37:40

Really interesting comments here, so great to know I'm not the only one. I have actally had a couple of better days the last two days. I don't know why, its absolutely impossible to predict when is going to be a good day and when is going to be tough. To everyone: is the thought of family a big motivation to not roofer suicide more seriously? Presumably it is. Even before I had a baby, the thought of leaving my mum behind was a big factor but now I have a daughter there is an even bigger (to say the least) motivation to stay alive.

MangoMonster Thu 29-Sep-11 18:57:51

Family is always a big motivation, only had these thoughts in when have had 3 difficult experiences which have caused immense hurt but have been completely out of my control and I felt helpless. They never progressed to anything serious as I could NOT entertain them, first couple of times before I had kids and latest once since. There really is so much to look forward to in life, just sometimes you are exhausted and out of steam, but it can be better again, keeping positive and busy helped me.

madmouse Thu 29-Sep-11 20:37:52

It depends - when my PTSD was at its worst everything was unbearably painful and I seriously wanted dead feeling sure that if I disappeared dh would marry a better wife and ds would get a proper mummy...

Now my ds is my reason to be alive, even if nothing else would be (thankfully I have lots to live for again!!)

Rumplestiltskine Mon 03-Oct-11 00:36:06

In Stephen Fry's documentary about bi-polar disorder, he's talking about when he's at the depressed end of the spectrum and he says "It's not that I want to kill myself, I just... wouldn't mind dying". When I watched that I instantly thought YES, that is exactly it. I'm glad so many people feel the same way... well, not glad, because I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but you know what I mean. I've had this thought in the back of my mind all my adult life, and when I've been through periods of (worse) depression, it escalates to actively contemplating suicide. I don't know what the answer is, just wanted to add my voice to those saying that you're not alone.

solidgoldbrass Mon 03-Oct-11 01:00:21

I get spells of this too, but I kind of don't worry about them too much. I mean, I've been having them for more than 20 years and am not dead. Every now and then I find myself thinking over and over again about ways to get dead without it being obviously suicide because that would hurt my family so much (and also allow my enemies to feel smug and vindicated). But I always find at least one good reason it would not be good to be dead and hang on to that.

yellowraincoat Mon 03-Oct-11 01:36:21

There is a condition called dysthimia which sounds a lot like what you're describing.

jasminerice Mon 03-Oct-11 14:32:05

So glad I found this thread. I've been having thoughts like if I got a terminal illness it would be good as then I could die guilt free. I was worrying about a friend in case she had an accident on holiday and died, but then thought she'd be lucky if she died, she wouldn't have to go through life any more and I wish it was me who died in an accident.

I had a breakdown last year and was very serious about killing myself as I just couldn't face another day. But DH stopped me and I've been on ad's since then.

I suffered trauma and abuse and neglect for most of my childhood and I agree with the poster above who said that it means our brains don't develop as they should. I've had 2 severe depressive episodes in the past, one which was while I was pregnant with my first DC and one a few years before that. I managed to hide my feelings both times, never got any help but somehow got through without killing myself. At the time I didn't even recognise that I had depression.

I've had psychotherapy with different counsellors over the past few years but still haven't found a therapist that I'm totally comfortable with and who 'gets' me.

I feel so guilty when I'm depressed as I just need to sleep, sometimes 18 hours a day, meaning I hardly see the DC's, luckily DH has been able to take up the slack, but I feel guilty about that too....

This episode has really caught me by surprise as I'd been feeling pretty good for quite a while until now.

Anyway, I'm glad I've found all of you, it's such a relief to be able to talk to people who understand.

IShouldHaveBeenAPairOfClaws Tue 04-Oct-11 18:20:32

Really uplifting to see so many people on this thread now, so good to see were not alone.

jasminerice Tue 04-Oct-11 22:19:14

I'm having a bad time. Crying a lot today, don't know why. But not having such dark thoughts anymore.

IShouldHaveBeenAPairOfClaws Wed 05-Oct-11 09:29:49

Sorry to hear you had a bad day Jasmine but its good your thoughts aren't so dark. How much of a difference do the ads make? How do you feel this morning?

GrownUpNow Wed 05-Oct-11 09:58:58

I think thoughts like these often.

I know I will never follow through because when I was a teen I tried and almost succeeded to take an overdose, and whilst going to sleep and never waking up would have been so easy, seeing the state my family was in, losing friends and taking ages to get past the effects of what I did was very hard and I know that even at my darkest I would never be able to get past the guilt of knowing how it would affect people, especially now I have my own children depending on me.

But it doesn't stop me thinking, wouldn't it be better if I just chuck myself in front of that bus, I should just take all those tablets, life is pointless just kill yourself (last night walking home from the shops). In times of stress I have immediate suicidal thoughts, and during depression I will go as far as to sit and imagine how I would do it and make plans in my head.

The really strange thing is that I actually have a health anxiety and worry obsessively about dying and injuring myself... which totally clashes against the concept of wanting to commit suicide.

I think it all stems from childhood abuse, my personality didn't quite form "right" and so I am prone to depression and my coping skills aren't the best, so I jump from being a bit stressed to being completely overwhelmed. I'm working on it in therapy at the moment, I guess it's probably always going to be a personality quirk of mine, but through CBT I am learning not to give the thoughts any worry and retraining my mind with how to deal with these moments.

jasminerice Wed 05-Oct-11 11:06:09

I'm better today. Think all the sobbing yesterday was good for me. I've been on ad's now for nearly a year. 20mg Citalopram. I started on them after I had the breakdown last year when I really was very serious about killing myself. I have my doubts about how much they are actually helping me. Especially after the last week when I have felt very, very low and felt like death would be very welcome, even if I wasn't planning on killing myself.

There have been studies that show that ad's are not effective in people whose depression is rooted in childhood abuse as mine is. I have a feeling that after reaching rock bottom last year I would have started feeling better anyway, without the ad's.

pipparoo Fri 14-Oct-11 01:00:36

Grownupnow, I can identify so much with what you have written so thank you for giving me some light at the end of the (very dark) tunnel I am currently in. I am due to start CBT tomorrow and I'm feeling less sceptical about it now

ParsleyTheLioness Mon 24-Oct-11 08:19:55

I feel like this when I am very very stressed, and particularly when I am not sleeping. I take sodiumvalporate for bi-polar which helps a lot. I had a hardchildhood, and I think you never properly get that part back, but therapy helps.

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