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Feeling like I'm on the verge of a breakdown.

(12 Posts)
Fatshionista Sun 18-Sep-11 16:42:08

I'm bi polar and have fibromyalgia. I'm in pain and my head is spinning.

DD1 is a terrible three. Despite my 'good parenting' she just doesn't listen. dSS is 2.8 eats everything (today while I was in the toilet he eat a bouncy ball and half a candle) and DD2 has taken to emitting a high pitched screech when she wants attention.

DP is stressed. We are engaged but I need a divorce. I am on low income and can't find a legal aid solicitor. Need to go to CAB. Just walked to the shop and my leg fave way thanks to.fibro. I bought rum.

I am sat at my kitchen table letting DP look after them while I drink a can of John Smiths. It's not even 5pm. I am crying and feel like I am losing my goddamn mind.

DP is going to a works party tonight as it's free alcohol and he needs to 'destress'. I am so low and he's leaving.

Fuck it all. help.

madmouse Sun 18-Sep-11 17:02:37

One thing at a time

As much of a spoilsport as I am you must both stop self medicating with alcohol. Alcohol doesn't make you de-stress unless as a single drink sipped while relaxing. Getting pissed make things worse.

How are you doing for pain relief? What do you have to take when the pain is bad?

I'm a legal aid lawyer in another field of law. CAB cannot help with matrimonial matters but may have local addresses. Do your local solicitors have no capacity? If you just don't know where to look pm me your postcode and I will help.

Is dss ok? nearly 3 is on the old side for eating bouncey balls and candles. Do you have/need any help for him?

High pitched screams must be ognored - easy talking but there really is no other option.

Fatshionista Sun 18-Sep-11 17:09:53

Not sure if DSS is ok. His mother thinks there is nothing wrong and refuses to take him to see anyone and DP doesn't see him any other time than the weekends.

I'm NP19 in Gwent.

I take co-codamol 30/500 and 900mg of gabapentin. It's not working but doctor says to carry on with it regardless.

I don't drink refularly. I felt so low I felt I needed to drink. I don't know why but I intend to drink rum tonight. Self medicating is never a good idea but I am stuck and lost.

If I ask DP to stay hone with me tonight he'll only tell me I'm beibg controlling, won't let him live his life, making it up as an excuse etc. I really want him home but, no sad.

Fatshionista Sun 18-Sep-11 17:10:32

Excuse the typos, I'm on my phone and shaking

madmouse Sun 18-Sep-11 17:23:37

Sounds like you are both so stressed that the other can't fix it. If you ask him to stay home he will resent you, if he goes out you resent him because you need him there.

Don't drink rum with co-codamol when in sole charge of children (yes I'm a dreadful nag I know). Are you seeing a specialist for fibro? And how about the bi-polar? are you stable (ish)??

Community Legal Services came up with this Let me know if the link doesn't work - it's not the most stable of websites.

Fatshionista Sun 18-Sep-11 17:33:16

I am seeing someone for both. I am stable but obviously not right now. The anxiety and paranoia is the worst thing about my conditions plus the constant daily pain.

I don't want to hurt DP but I nedd him and would resent him if he went knowing how I feel. I make sacrifices for him so he should for me. That's never the way it works.

I feel terrible as I've been shouting at DD's all day and I just feel like pure shit. Not had rum yet.

Fatshionista Sun 18-Sep-11 17:35:05

FWIW, I've not taken co-codamol since Friday as I've run out. Just fluoxetine and gabapentin.

madmouse Sun 18-Sep-11 17:44:50

chronic pain alone is enough to mess with your mood as it just grinds you down, let alone with bipolar to contend with as well sad

I understand that you need your dp there and you have every right to feel that way, not suggesting otherwise. Just speaking from my own experience of not being able to meet each other's genuine needs. I had bad PTSD while dh who has mild aspergers was badly depressed. I had a lot of my emotional support needs met by friends as dh just wasn't 'there' - too busy surviving.

I'm sure at least half the time if not more dds deserved to be shouted at!! Can you pull it all together with a plate on lap dinner and a dvd? Just all chill?

Fatshionista Sun 18-Sep-11 17:49:37

I'm cooking dinner now and we'll watch crap TV tonight.

DP needs his space but with my mental state and paranoia I keep thinking he's going to meet soneone else. He's working on our trust issues but he's only been in this job two weeks and says he has no interest in making friends, just working yet he's adamant he's going but can't give a reason why.

NanaNina Sun 18-Sep-11 18:28:36

So so sorry you are having such a dreadful time Fashionista (am not putting in fatshionisa!) Can I ask why you need a divorce. Is it so you can marry your DP. If so I think you have far too much on your plate at the moment (sorry don't mean to sound intrusive) but probably do.

Agree with Madmouse on the drinking issue - I think you know self medicating with alcohol is not the way forward but can understand why you need something to ease your physical and mental pain.

I can't begin to imagine how hard it must be to feel like you do and have 3 under 3's to care for. Are the children your DPs children, and presumably his child from another r/ship spends weekends with you? I'm sorry cus I know it sounds like I'm sticking my nose in your business but it doesn't sound as though your DP is good with the kids, or very supportive of you. Sorry if I have got this wrong.

You say you would resent him going on this thing this evening if he knew how you felt, so does that mean you are not saying how bad you feel. It sounds like you are wanting him to "pick up" how bad you feel and say he is not going to this thing. You say you worry he will meet someone else - how long have you been together and has there been problems with OW before. Yo say "he is working on our trust issues" - but surely it should be both of you.

Look I'm really sorry if this post is too intrusive and asks so many questions. If so just tell me to xxxx off!

madmouse Sun 18-Sep-11 19:07:16

NanaNina if the OP is in such a serious cohabiting relationship it is best for a lot of (legal and emotional) reasons for there to be a divorce.

Fatshionista Sun 18-Sep-11 23:27:57

Our DD's are DP's but DSS is from a one night stand during our 'break'. Not cheating but definitely a shock.

DP is great with the children. He is getting increasingly stressed, though and is finding it difficult lately.

No OW, just my paranoia and some petty lies thst meant our trust was tarnished.

He didn't go because he saw how much it meant to me for him to stay.

We've been together 3 years snd engaged for 1. DD1 was a 'one night stand/seeing each other' relationship, he had a one night stand on our break when I was nine months pregnant and DP was in our lives permanently since DD1 was 3 months old.

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