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Unresolved PND from DC1 and now pg with DC2, I can feel things creeping back(3 Posts)
I was diagnosed with PND when DS was 8 months old. I had felt depressed from soon after having him, but for various reasons did not seek treatment. I had a short course of AD's, but no therapy as I was unable to get to the venue - a journey of three buses, which I couldn't face with DS and I have no one close by to look after him if I went alone.
I finished the AD's myself, which I know was not wise but I had some rotten side effects and I was then back at work. It was just too much effort to get to the GP's again. (I know that sounds dreadful).
My job is very stressful, I am doing my full time job in three days a week with a long commute on top of this. I had felt negative about my job before having DS, so I knew going back would be hard. I have tried looking for another job but there is nothing out there at my level/sector (senior nurse) at the moment, and certainly nothing that will give me three days a week.
So, and I know this is where I'll be flamed, we tried for DC2 so at least I'll be on maternity leave again. I truthfully feel that, that is/was by best option. Crying in the shower in the morning, feeling sick as I see the hospital could not go on. I know that having DC2 will be hard, but I could not go on without knowing there would be some light at the end of the tunnel in the form of mat leave.
I am 14 weeks now, and starting to feel like that dark place of PND is creeping over me. We have a lot of other pressures at the moment, house on the market, money is tight, no family locally for any help/support etc.
This morning, DH and I had a massive row, because I can't be bothered to shower as in my words, 'whats the point, I don't go anywhere'. ( I am off today with DS but as we have no car I can't get anywhere and he wont sit in the bloody buggy for 5 mins on the train/bus)
I just feel really low, like there is no purpose. I should be so happy with DC2 on the way and feel so guilty that I have made these choices myself. But yet, that hollow, dark empty feeling keeps creeping over me.
Sorry for the long, self indulgent post. Getting this down in words has been helpful. I'd love to hear peoples thoughts though too.
So sorry you are having such a rotten time, especially having a job where you are looking after others, while feeling crap yourself. You must feel like dragging someone out of the bed and getting in yourself.....agree with LL - you must get yourself to the GP (seems strange having to tell a senior nurse to do this) but that doesn't stop you knowing when you need to look after yourself.
You really shouldn't have taken yourself off ADs - if they had bad side effects you could have tried a different one, as I'm sure you know they act differently on different people.
Incidentally you are most certainly not being self indulgent. You are talking about mental health issues. You really must get yourself to the GP and get some help before things get worse. You won't get better on your own!
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