I'd rather you didn't kill yourself, not just because other people need you but because you are worth life and life is worth living. You wanting to kill yourself means that at the moment you are struggling to cope. It's trite but true that suicide is a temporary solution to a permanent problem.
Maybe instead of getting all angry with the people caring for you, you can work with them to get back on an even keel soon.
Yes I could tell from your OP that you are in a very bad place and I'm worried about you. I know that you are being well looked after though (although you don't like it at the moment) so I hope things will change again soon.
iMemoo - I remember your previous posts and just how bad you were feeling. I have asked the same questions as you about dying, as there have been some times in the past that this is all that I have wanted. A good friend told me that if you do kill yourself you pass your pain on to those you leave behind, and this made me stop and think, but at my worst I have thought, well if I do that so be it. Also don't know how to do it, and know I wouldn't have the courage anyway as nothing is foolproof and you could end up still alive but with more problems that you had to start with.
I also read that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem but we have to believe it's temporary don't we.
Are you in hospital iMemoo and if not, I wonder why as you sound so defeated, which is what depression makes us feel. Sorry I know there is nothing I can say to help - just reaching out to you, as also having crap day.
I love my children more than anything, that's all I know. That's why I'm here, for them. But for me I don't know. I use to love the theatre, particularly the musicals. Dh took me to see West Side Story just before I had dc3 and it was the most wonderful night. We walked back to our hotel afterwards and I danced the whole way back. Feels like a long time ago.
I know exactly what you are feeling as I have been there too. I have felt resentful that I couldn't die because I have children and how could I leave them without a mum when I never had one? I resented them that they were having what I hadn't and were stopping me from doing what I wanted, which was to die. Last year I did try and kill myself in a serious attempt and I am still mad at times that it didn't work.
Please find someone to talk too. If I am near you I will bring cake and ears and will do whatever it is you need to me to do to get you through this difficult and exhausting time.
Me too thinking and worrying about you iMemoo - sorry I can't remember your back story but I know you were feel desparate and in hospital for a while? Same here. Are you getting the help you need re meds, CPN, psychiatric assessment - whatever - if you are feeling this bad and I know for sure that you are, there has to be some help for you. Do you have a P or H or any RL support.
Please keep talking to us iMemoo - wish I could be more help. Feeling pretty crap myself but worried about you.
If I was a fly on the wall in your home, what would I see?
The psychologist asked me this when I said I had some realy bad days/weeks when I just wanted to stay in bed all day. It was quite good to tell her cus no-one had ever asked me that. HOW are you getting through the day - by hours, minutes......are you eating/sleeping. Sorry for so many questions, just concerned for you as I know how desparate we can feel with mental illness. Give me something physical any day - at least we don't want to kill ourselves when we are physically ill..........sending love......NN
Original Fab ----SO so very sorry that things got so bad for you. Thing is even if we decide we can't stand the torment any more, we don't know how to put an end to it in any event. That's why people go to Switzerland isn't it but only if they are terminally ill. At my very worst last Easter I wanted to drown myself as I thought that was a foolproof way, but knew I wouldn't have the courage to do it. Me too sometimes regret having a lovely family and close women friends, as if I was alone in the world would seriously think of suicide. Are you sometimes relieved as well Fab that it didn't work?
iMemoo, I have been there too. I found being a parent so hard because I put pressure on myself to be such a great parent. All I needed to be was good enough. In the old school, mothers did not expect anything for themselves - they were expected to find their reward in their children. We expect more these days. Are there any friends you could see for coffee or a glass of wine? Could you get away to stay with anyone even for a few days? So sorry to hear how bad it is for you. There might be some Mnetters near you. Hugs