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Anxiety always there, depressed all the time, finding it hard to cope. LONG.(2 Posts)
I didn't know who I could vent to, so I came here. I need to get this out.
I live with my fiance and my beautiful daughter whom I gave birth to on the 6th of August. He works 40 hours a week, which is now temporarily 50 hours a week as he's doing overtime. He's an engineer, which is hard work, and I don't see him much so we treasure weekends as much as we can. I am the one staying at home, doing housework, sorting out some bills, doing night feeds, and looking after my daughter.
I've gone from severely agoraphobic, severely depressed and anxious, no self-esteem, no friends, gaming-addict with an eating disorder; to mildly agoraphobic, severely depressed and anxious, better self-esteem and more friends, less time for games and better eating habits, and not living with my parents due to having a new family, in a year. It's been a huge leap, and it hasn't been easy to get this far.
But I feel inadequate, like a failure, tired, anxious and so depressed everyday I am tempted to self-harm. This has nothing to do with my baby, it did come as a surprised to be SO tired, but I'm okay with it. I love her and I tell her that everyday. But my partner when he gets back from work doesn't come in and give me a hug or a kiss, and rarely even says hello. He doesn't do any housework and except for on weekends doesn't really help with our daughter much either. DP comes home, exhausted mind you, gets pissed off if things are untidy or if there is washing up - I can tell due to his expression/the atmosphere, he never says anything. Then he reads a book or works on his warhammer figurines, and goes to bed. I ask for cuddles when we go to bed, and we do, but I still have to ask.
I can't tell whether it's me being anxious or just stupidly paranoid, but sometimes DP often makes statuses about how he's feeling or things he's planning to do during the day/week on facebook. I know he wouldn't cheat so I'm not concerned about other women, and feel no need to be paranoid about that sort of thing. This is just to see how he feels, but it's become a habit to check his facebook page whilst he's at work everyday. I need to stop it, but today I found a comment he made on his page. Everytime I see something like this I feel like breaking, I feel like I'm cracking on the inside and I just want to self-harm. Often I feel like writing on the walls that I'm a failure, I'm stupid and don't deserve anyone.
I'm a fragile person at heart, but when my partner makes negative comments about me or our relationship I can't help but feel like this. Whenever he's angry at me, or I think he's angry at me, I feel like this. How can I get it to stop? I feel like I'm becoming a doll that will do anything for him even if it breaks me, because I love him so much. I cannot bear the thought of our relationship ending, and I know he does love me, but because he isn't the talkative type whenever I ask him what's wrong, or if I've done something, he says 'Nothing'. What do I say to get him to open up to me more? I've had so many suicidal thoughts, and feel so depressed I don't know what to do.
Sorry for this being so long, I don't expect anyone to read this, but I needed to get this out, somehow.
Just saw your post, I'm sorry you're feeling so down, big hugs to you too
You have done fantastically well to get from where you were, you should feel very proud of yourself! Have you spoken to your dp about how you're feeling? How his actions are making you feel? If not I really think you should. Try, if you can get some time when you won't be distracted, and you'll both be calm and sit down and talk honestly with him. And he you. It's a very big adjustment, having a newborn. He maybe won't realise how hard looking after a baby is, I rarely got any housework/meals cooked in the early days. Maybe you need to explain how hard it is, or ask HV or someone to speak with him too? Maybe his expectations are too high of you with what is manageable. Also tell him how you feel about his facebook comments. I really wouldn't be happy with knowing how my dh was feeling '2nd hand' via facebook, or other's knowing before I did etc. Ask how he would feel if it was the other way around.
And congratulations on your baby girl Do you get out to any groups with her yet? When I just had 1 dc we would get out to quite a bit and it really did make the world of difference.
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