Is there something wrong with me?

[itsconfusing]

So I've been thinking a LOT lately. I have 3 dcs aged 3, 2 and 7m. I work part time (alone in an office). I have a great dh, works mon-fri 7-6, but very hands on when he's home. I live in my dh's home town. My dad was in the army so I don't have a 'home town', anywhere I am 'from'. Therefore no long term friends/friends really. I do have one good friend, through our ds's being the same age, but we don't see each other alone so can't chat as such. My family all live away, parents are abroad.

I love the dc's so intensly, no problems with bonding etc.

I have mood swings quite regularly, I can get very angry and shout/rant at dh for ages at least once a week over the most trivial things. On my days off with the kids I feel fed up/exhausted/can't be bothered...some days at least once a week I panic after lunch as we're still in p.j's, so quickly get the dc's washed and dressed. Then look at the house and it's a bomb site, panic that I need to sort it out before dh gets home etc , then do some last minute tidying/cleaning so it looks 'on-top of' before he walks in. I can sit at the computer for ages. Today I've got lots to do, yet I haven't done anything.

We're very skint, yet I chose to spend 400 pounds on a weekend away for us all instead of paying some bills. I have had a little extra money this week that I wasn't expecting, I know I should pay these bills, I've I court/bailiff warnings. But I'm dying to get into town and spend the money on dc's clothes etc...trying to resisit. I've always been very frilvalous with money, but when I had dc1 that changed and i'VE BEEN GOOD FOR 3 1/2 years, but I feel I could fall out of control again.

I change my mimnd eveyday about what I want to do with my 'life', one day I tell people I'm going to re-train as a teacher, the next I'm going to study medicine, the next a social worker and so on and so on. I get obsessed and stay up all night researching and 'planning' my life.

Sometimes I think people think I'm weird, if I talk to someone, even if I don't know them, I come out with alsorts at a hundred mile an hour...I can see them looking at me and try and shut up but I don't seem to have a stop button. I don't make friends easily.

I'm a dreamer, I always have been. I was depressed through my teenage years, I was uncontrolable. I used to go off from home for 2 weeks at a time, I was 14/15yrs old. This was a constant thing. I would drink a LOT of alcohol a LOT of the time. I felt unloved/hated myself. I left home at 16. Lived in a pub, drank alot, spent every penny and more, slept with a LOT of men from the ages of 16-20. I met my dh just when I was 21. We drank a lot, ahd fun going out etc for a year or so, but then we calmed down. Something in me changed and for some reason I was happy with him. In the first few years of our relationship we moved house 8 times, me insisting.

I've been up feeling paranoid about different things in my life the last few nights. Such as my mum 'keeping' me away from my father's side of the family...I actually think my grandmother is great but my mum;'s always fed me stories, makes me feel guilty if I have a relatonship with her. I don't have any contact with aunts/cousins etc. I've been thinking there can't be something wrong with all ofthem? What have they done? So has my mum kept me 'alone' on purpose? I'm so confused. I have so much on my mind and I can't clear it.

I worry about losing control, as I want the best for my dc, but I feel like I'm going mad.

I don't know what's wrong with me. After ds2 I thought these feelings would pass, but they haven't. I have good days too, so then I think I was just having a bad day. I booked a dr's app. but don't know what to say. I didn't turn up. I'm very good at faking being happy/putting a smile on.

[itsconfusing]

Sorry that's so long, I just have so much to say. Feel very lost. And thank you if anyone actually manages to read it all.

[Yuraye]

You sound like me. You really do, first of all big hugs and sympathy from this MNer.

It's not unusual to spend money to make yourself or other people feel better, sometimes you feel like you NEED to get away or you'll go crazy. Just remember, your priority is to keep a roof over your families head, and pay the bills that help keep your home warm, watered, fed and washed. But don't forget it IS okay to treat yourself at times.

In regards to tidying the house and pajamas, again, it's okay to be lazy at times too. I find it insanely difficult to get the energy and motivation to keep my flat tidy, and that's only with one newborn! So remember to tell yourself that you've done a great job, even if you've done something little. I laze around in a dressing gown/baggy shirts/pjs all the time, and although that isn't feasible with older children as they'll pick up your habits, again, don't fret about it too much.

It's hard not to mention daunting to think about something suitable to do for work for what essentially could be most or the rest of your life. But it's good to think properly on it and come to a decision after. I also have dreams that I have not yet even gotten started on fulfilling, and have changed my mind many many times over the years so you are not alone! You will get there eventually.

It's easy for people to say 'get out there and make some friends' but it's never that simple. If you spend a lot of time on the computer, why not make a couple of friends you've talked to for a while, or fellow mums, people you can trust; offline? It worked for me as I was severely agoraphobic, and meeting people online was about the only thing I could do, apart from playing games. Perhaps join a group of some sort? That's another option as well.

If you ever need to talk just message me, I'm a good listener! :)

[itsconfusing]

Thank you yuraye just having you reply has made me feel a bit better. I know there's so mush I can be doing to help, ie join a group, it's just getting past the first hurdle of getting there isn't it?! There is a reading group at the local library that I would love to join, just need the courage to do it! Need to think of some other things too.

I suppose parenting is just so full on and 24/7 physically, but my little brain is dying to get some use, which had lead to all of this over analysing.

Thank you for your kind words and breaking things down for me a bit so can can see through the mess.

[Yuraye]

I'm glad I could help in some way. :) It is daunting taking that first step, I remember health visitors and midwives asking me at the beginning if I would like to join a group, and my only response being a very unsure 'I don't know...' I'm very fragile and shy, so meeting new people has well, never been my forte to say the least! Perhaps find someone you trust/know fairly well and ask to meet up for a chat and a tea/coffee, and go from there?

Your talk of a reading group reminded me, if you're finding things a little overwhelming at times (I know I would!) then perhaps have one day a week, on a weekend perhaps, where you and the children have a lazy morning in your pajamas, and read together, or do something that doesn't require too much effort?

I know how you feel. A part of me feels very proud when I've done the housework, and being the main carer of me and DP's child. However, all brains need stimulation, and as appreciative of the fact my DP goes out everyday and works so hard for us, I'd love to be able to work or do something that brings in more for our family too. That, and I'd love to gain more knowledge on the subjects I want to learn more about, but I find I just don't have the time to get started on that path!

No problem, and remember to cut yourself some slack, housework and looking after children 24/7 is a difficult task in itself, and although it comes with some lovely moments the fact it's tiring doesn't change!