I feel like a complete failure today, like I've given in. I broke down at my 6 week post natal check. I had already spoke to dp about feeling down again but hadn't been entirely honest with just how bad I felt.
Was honest with the doctor about feeling suicidal, anxious, numb, confused, tired,having nightmares etc. She was very nice and supportive. She's put me back on fluoxetine (I was advised to come off it during pregnancy and was ok through the pregnancy) and wants to see me with dp next week to make sure I've told him and am getting support. She also rang the hv and arranged for her to come and see me on Tuesday. Hv rang me and gave me the crisis team number too.
I had pnd (and was diagnosed with ptsd) after having dd2 (19 months) and got really paranoid, thought fil was a pedophile and mil was covering for him, thought dp was holding me hostage and wanted me dead. So scared I'm going to end up back there. More scared that this time I've actually considered killing myself instead of just thinking they would be better off with me dead.
I've told dp and my mum now. Feels like a weight has been lifted. Like I can stop pretending I'm ok, except I feel guilty for burdening them with the knowledge that I'm suicidal. They will watch me now. I'm trying to convince myself that because I've told people I want to kill myself that maybe I don't really, like a cry for help. I want that to be true.
Don't know why I'm posting really. I haven't even bothered name changing. My poor family deserve so much more from me than this.
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67 replies
SongBirdsKeepSinging · 01/09/2011 19:03
OP posts:
floofers ·
01/09/2011 19:28
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SongBirdsKeepSinging ·
03/09/2011 07:06
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