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(68 Posts)
SongBirdsKeepSinging Thu 01-Sep-11 19:03:09

I feel like a complete failure today, like I've given in. I broke down at my 6 week post natal check. I had already spoke to dp about feeling down again but hadn't been entirely honest with just how bad I felt.

Was honest with the doctor about feeling suicidal, anxious, numb, confused, tired,having nightmares etc. She was very nice and supportive. She's put me back on fluoxetine (I was advised to come off it during pregnancy and was ok through the pregnancy) and wants to see me with dp next week to make sure I've told him and am getting support. She also rang the hv and arranged for her to come and see me on Tuesday. Hv rang me and gave me the crisis team number too.

I had pnd (and was diagnosed with ptsd) after having dd2 (19 months) and got really paranoid, thought fil was a pedophile and mil was covering for him, thought dp was holding me hostage and wanted me dead. So scared I'm going to end up back there. More scared that this time I've actually considered killing myself instead of just thinking they would be better off with me dead.

I've told dp and my mum now. Feels like a weight has been lifted. Like I can stop pretending I'm ok, except I feel guilty for burdening them with the knowledge that I'm suicidal. They will watch me now. I'm trying to convince myself that because I've told people I want to kill myself that maybe I don't really, like a cry for help. I want that to be true.

Don't know why I'm posting really. I haven't even bothered name changing. My poor family deserve so much more from me than this.

SongBirdsKeepSinging Thu 01-Sep-11 19:03:35

Gosh sorry that's so long!

floofers Thu 01-Sep-11 19:28:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SongBirdsKeepSinging Thu 01-Sep-11 20:01:52

Thanks floofers. I'm trying not to but it's so hard sad hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. Thanks for the hugs.

madmouse Thu 01-Sep-11 20:11:17

I've been in a place where me no longer being here would be a great idea as dh could marry a proper wife and ds would get a real mummy. It' a very grim and dark place and I don't envy you being there.

However, it is not your family who suffer from your depression, it is you. Your kids will be fine as you and your partner still care for them appropriately. Please accept that seeing yourself in this light is the depression talking.

I'm glad that you have had a good response from your GP ad HV and also from your dp and mum. The fact that they now know means you don't have to keep your mask on all the time and that will help you get better. allow yourself to receive support. It took me a long time to accept that support and my friends were so pleased when I finally stopped avoiding them when I was struggling. You deserve support. If nothing else helps accept support so you can be there again for your children in the way you want to be in the shortest possible time.

SongBirdsKeepSinging Thu 01-Sep-11 20:33:24

Madmouse thank you so much for your post, that's exactly how I feel, like they deserve someone proper to take care of them all.

I felt so attached to her at first, and now I feel like she's ( have been sat ages trying to finish this sentence but the truth is I just don't feel anything)

Wish I could fast forward to feeling better, I have a long way to go. Mum and dp are obviously worried and I feel like they're holding their breath waiting and watching me to see what I do.

I don't even know who I am anymore so how do I find my way back to me?

madmouse Thu 01-Sep-11 20:40:07

You have started the way back to you - you've opened up and started treatment. As you know the ADs will take a bit of time to kick in. In the meantime do all the usual: get some fresh air, preferably in the form of gently exercise, eat as well as you can manage and sleep as well as you can. And talk: talk about how you feel with dp if you can, with hv, with good girl friends too.

In terms of your little one: The way you are feeling right now places an emotional barrier between you but as long as you keep caring for her and cuddling her, even if you don't feel what you think yo ushould she will get what she needs and you will still benefit from it and catch up later. Nothing is lost. I spent a lot of time caring for rather than mothering ds and now 2 and a bit years later all is as should be.

SongBirdsKeepSinging Thu 01-Sep-11 21:09:33

I am grateful to you madmouse for taking the time to talk to me. Its good to know there's an end to this and that at some point I'll feel like me again. I think part of the problem is that I didn't get better after having dd1, I am still waiting for my counselling and I was diagnosed in September last year. The gp did mention counselling again so I'm hoping it will happen soon. (I'm with a different gp now as we moved to a new area)

I will do my best to keep talking. It is so hard to say some things though. I can't write them down, I think it will be used against me. Dp suggested I keep a mood score diary again, I found it helped last time to show I had more good days or hours than I thought I did.

I'm so very tired but scared to sleep, the nightmares are so realistic.

SongBirdsKeepSinging Thu 01-Sep-11 23:41:43

Feel guilty for being awake, my mum is here and has the baby in with her so I can have a full nights sleep, and I've just been lying in bed with my mind going a million miles an hour. Dp is snoring away oblivious.

Pinot Fri 02-Sep-11 10:28:29

Oh my sweet girl {{{{{grabs you and fold you up in my arms}}}}}

Listen, you are not responsible for the chemicals in your body. That's all it is, in a science way. It's a lack of chemicals and your body is freaking out. It's not your fault. You've done the right thing in getting those pills back again (I'm on them long term) and within a week or so you should start to feel the effects. I know they say longer than that but you're in a pit right now and I think you'll rise quicker because of it.

Understand this is the low point. Feeling suicidal and feeling nothing for babybird is the lowest it can get. THAT IS A GOOD THING as now you're having treatment, the only way is up. It is upwards from here, OK.

Accept that it's a good thing that your Mum is around to help. Her presence is helping ease the anxiety that comes with depression and you sound like an anxious person anyway, so her being there for you is great. DP will be absolutely fine with that, for as long as it needs to be. Months if necessary.

As long as babybird is fed and warm, she will be fine. She won't have any idea that her Mum isn't enraptured with her right now, it won't affect her in anyway and no-one else will know. So don't worry. By the time she could realise, you'll be well in control of your life again.

I've been there and it's black. My advice in the main is to not feel guilty but to just get through a day at a time, hell an hour at a time if need be. Rely on your Mum and your DP as much as possible. You'll soon be OK to take over.

You'll soon be OK and until then - talk. Talk talk talk. Show DP this thread even.

I'm right here for you here and on facebook. Talk talk talk xxx

SongBirdsKeepSinging Fri 02-Sep-11 11:27:53

Oh Pinot you have made me cry (but in a good way iyswim) I feel so bloody useless and undeserving of people being nice to me.

It is so hard for dp going through this with me all over again. He is being very supportive and at the same time trying to be normal with me. He is doing his best not to show his fear or his sadness that I have dragged us all back into this hell with me. I am so scared he will start to blame me at some point, he's only human and there's only so much people can take. I am pushing him away so it will hurt less if he walks away from me. I wouldn't blame him if he did. He is a better person than me, I don't think I could be as strong for him as he's being for me. I don't know what I'll do if he leaves.

I will try and follow your advice but can't make any promises. I just want to curl up in bed and let the world pass me by. Dp says he is fine with mum being here and he's fine with doing whatever I need to feel better but I don't believe him. I think he's saying what I want, what I need to hear. I am suspicious and paranoid that he is saying these things to lull me into a false sense of security and that he will suddenly announce I've made life impossible with my needs and he's off and taking the kids. Poor dp can't win, damned if he does and damned if he doesn't.

He told me he spoke with a friend about it all yesterday, and he expected me to be angry like I would have been last time. I didn't care. I think it scared him. He needs to talk too though, I know that now. I've told him he can tell his parents too if he wants. They were kept in the dark last time because I had such awful thoughts about them and they are really nice people who had never done a thing to deserve such accusations.

I'm going to shut up now. I am going to get dressed and try to eat something. I don't think I can show him this, not yet anyway. Thanks Pinot it means such a lot xxx

Pinot Fri 02-Sep-11 11:38:05

Song you have to stop pushing DP away. He's a good man. He was good before you had babybird and he hasn't changed.

The one thing you need to get straight, through the fog in your head, is that you mustn't push him away. You mustn't. I'm talking stern to get through to you as it's so important.

There is no secret plan made by him to be nice and then run away with the girls. NO. He is feeling just as lost as you are right now - please try to see that.

Depression touches everyone in the family. It's a horrid, horrid thing. But please, please keep him close to you. Hug him as soon as you see him.

Lots of love to you and keep talking xxx

SongBirdsKeepSinging Fri 02-Sep-11 12:21:12

You are right Pinot he is a good man. Maybe I will show him this like you said. I'm so confused. He finishes work early today. I need him here but just can't face burdening him even more. Dd1 is clingy today. Toddler cuddles are keeping me in line a bit. She deserves more than the shell of a mother she has though. Must try harder.

Pinot Fri 02-Sep-11 12:28:49

It's not a burden for him, I promise you! I know it's hard, I know I really do, but the very place that helps you see things clearly (the brain) is the one area that's poorly. That's why everything just looks and feels wrong right now. It's not him, or you, or the girls. It's the chemicals in your brain making everything bleak.

The only reason I can say that and trust it's right is that I suffered horribly with DC1 & 2 and came out of it the other side.

You have to cling on to remembering it's NOT you or him. It's an illness, same as kidney stones or a broken leg. If it was that, you'd be able to cope as your brain would be healthy. But at the moment your brain is underfed with chemicals (serotonin) and it affects everything, every tiny part of your day and your life.

It will get better. It will! I have to take fluoxetine every day and that's just how it may be the same. But hold on to the truth that it's not your fault. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

SongBirdsKeepSinging Fri 02-Sep-11 12:38:25

Fluoxetine is what I'm on too. 20 mg per day. I don't know if that's a lot or a low dose. I need this week over so I can feel some effect. In my head because I've had 2 pills I think they think i should be showing signs of improvement. I feel like I have to put the mask on to make them feel better about it all. At the same time I know that's illogical.

It's like I have two brains giving conflicting ideas/thoughts. I don't want dd2 near me but I don't want her gone either. I am sick of staying inside but am scared to go out. I'm pissed off no one visits me but I don't want people to come round. Dp loves me-but he wants to get away. The list goes on and on and on. Wish my brain had an off switch. I am on auto pilot. I have managed to keep on top of washing and housework so far, but then I think that must mean I'm ok really in dp's mind.

This is like writing a diary but with the added bonus of replies. Thank you so much Pinot.xxxxx

madmouse Fri 02-Sep-11 13:02:46

Songbird my dh has been depressed on and off for as long as I've known him and longer. It's our 13th wedding anniversary next week. I've yet to feel burdened by him, angry with him or fed up with him or indeed hatch a plan to run off with ds. I've been angry at the bastard of a stepdad who wrecked him, angry at how the bloody depression gets in the way of things, but never been angry with dh. It just doesn't work like that. Let him in. If he's anything like me he just wants to help, and support and for that he needs to know what is going on.

SongBirdsKeepSinging Fri 02-Sep-11 13:08:10

Thank you madmouse. I'm going to show him this thread like Pinot said so he will know how I feel without having to actually say it out loud. You are both right he needs to know. I don't know if it will be today, but soon, definitely soon.

NoWittyName Fri 02-Sep-11 15:44:34


There has been such wise advice here that I won't try to add to it. The only thing i'll mention is that there is support for carers of people with mental health difficulties so when you next speak to HV/GP ask about them. It may help dh and will hopefully alleviate some of your guilt knowing it is out there for him.

Also about your questions about dosage. 20mg fluoxetine is an initial dose. It could well be fine for you, but if after 3 weeks you're feeling no better then make sure you tell someone. You can go up to 60mg a day.

Wishing I could come and take the numbness away.

SongBirdsKeepSinging Fri 02-Sep-11 16:06:38

Thanks nwn, any advice is gratefully received. Thanks for info re dosage and support for dp. Will ask hv on Tuesday. He is off for the weekend now so mum can go home for a couple of days. She is taking dd2 with her so dp doesn't have all three of us to look after. I feel relieved that I'm not going to have to listen to her cry. sad

SongBirdsKeepSinging Sat 03-Sep-11 07:06:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madmouse Sat 03-Sep-11 08:44:31

I think you are right to be angry with your mum - it was not for her to tell your family, or to take the decision your family should know. She's broken your trust.

madmouse Sat 03-Sep-11 08:45:42

But you are NOT carrying their sadness. They may be concerned and want you to get better, but that's nothing they can't carry all by themselves. You are not responsible for their feelings.

SongBirdsKeepSinging Sat 03-Sep-11 09:05:45

I feel responsible though madmouse and I don't know how to not feel responsible for it. They wouldn't feel sad or worried if I didn't want to be dead, and they wouldn't feel sad or worried if I hadn't said anything because they wouldn't know. I will have to tell my dad now (they are divorced) because it isn't fair that everyone else knows and he doesn't. He lives in Wales and will be worried.

madmouse Sat 03-Sep-11 09:13:53

They would be extremely sad if they got a phonecall to say that you had killed yourself leaving two small children and a distraught dp. And they would be asking themselves if they had missed something, should they have seen something, been there for you. They would feel guilty and struggle with it for life.

SongBirdsKeepSinging Sat 03-Sep-11 09:46:28

You're right of course. So them feeling sad because I feel this way is (in a way) good because at some point I (hopefully) will feel better whereas sadness because I'm dead would be with them always. That makes sense. Thank you. I could only see it from one view and now have another. I will concentrate on this one thing today, one less guilty thought is better than no less isn't it.

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