Just need to get this out...

[Justmovedfeelingbad]

Not sure if I'm even in the right place for this, but I'll have a go anyway. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone.
I have a lovely, very dh, but we are both under a lot of pressure and I don't want to argue with him again.

We just moved house into my FIL's house. He is retiring (he's only 55, but getting out with a bad back). His house is a large family home, and seeing as we are the only couple out of DH's 5 siblings to have a family (2 dcs), he has moved out and allowed us to rent it from him at a reduced price.
It sounds ideal, and I know on the face of it we are extremely lucky - nice large home, in a good area, next to good schools etc. I really do appreciate this aspect of it.
Before we moved I was wary of moving here - the house is in a state of ill-repair (to say the least), FIL, although a nice man is pretty interfering and a little controlling i.e: treats all of his kids like, well, kids and I realised the amount of work we would have to do in order to make it our home. Then of course there was the fact that he could ask us to leave whenever he feels like coming back (so far he's agreed a 10 year deal, but he is so prone to change and money making schemes, I'm not getting too comfy).
The house was not in a liveable condition when we moved in (moving was hell in a handcart - he had only packed some of his stuff and made no effort to clean the place at all,so we had to clean like hell before we could even move). It was only then that we realised the scale of what we had taken on.
My BIL's wife stood at the fridge for 3 hours with a steam cleaner while grease poured out of it. The freezer took 2 days to get clean! The man had 10 year old meat in the back of his freezer! The oven is not salvageable.
I had to seal the toilet after it became apparent that he hadn't had his waste pipe sealed and had been part-flushing onto the wooden floor for years. Floor is saturated and stinking. Every room needs painted and decorated thoroughly, he's made such a botched job of it (cut skirting away etc to fit in furniture).
It's already cost us a fortune on credit cards etc to put a decent carpet down in ds1's bedroom (he's only 2 and was upset by the whole move, so wanted to make his room nice for him at least) and get a new bathroom floor. God knows how many thousands it's going to cost to get a new kitchen (sorely needed). Floor tiles all cracked and frankly, not safe for my crawling 10 month old. Or anyone barefoot.
There was a live wire in the boiler cupboard, and the electrician I called out after the house fused for no apparent reason and wouldn't go back on claims that the house needs re-wired and new fuses, as the ones we have are so old fashioned.

FIL sees no problem with any of this as 'it's not falling down' or is apparently urgent stuff, he lived with it so long, why isn't it finefor us. He acknowledges the painting etc, and if it was just that I'd be happy to do it, but it's costing us so much money just to do the basics. We are adding thousands to this property for nothing.
We asked if we could buy the house off him, but he's not happy with that as it's for dh's other 5 siblings too (when he dies, house will be sold and all profits split 6 ways). But part of me thinks, that's my hard work and money!
We're puttingso much in and getting the same out as everyone else.

DH has been off work for the last 2 weeks with stress - the doc was extremely sympathetic. DH would never normally go to the doctor if he was dying! It's been such a hard going month for us.

I am a sahm to my 2 boys and I am both mentally and physically exhausted. It's at the stage where I don't even want to be here. I'm sure dh thinks I'm hiding away up here in the computer space being difficult and not very helpful when there's so much to do. We've both been at the end of our tether. I've been working nights too part-time in a bar, a job I'm doing just to 'get out' and get a bit of 'me time, ha! (plus we need the cash now!) My mum is relying on us financially at the moment, which is also really stressing me out.

I don't know what I'm asking or wondering. I am just at the end of my tether. I just want to walk out of the door and never come back. But I don't have the gumption for stuff like that (thankfully). I don't want to make this house my home, but I have to.

I'm so tired. So down. So exhausted.