Not sure where exactly to post this without being shouted at or judged ungrateful... but as its to do with my mental health I thought here, sorry to be long...
I'm 40, have struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts since I was about 13, older now, lots of counselling I understand the root causes and my views on life have turned around, I deserve to live, this world isn't against me....
I have 2 gorgeous healthy boys, massively grateful and blessed to have them and a fantastic dh, lovely home etc.... life on paper I should be happy, I'm also slim, petite and not unattractive which I think on the outside people see me as having no problems. But I can't help but want another child in our home. I would love a daughter but i am now in a place where a healthy baby is a priority, although I am often asked if I would like a daughter, like I am pitied because I don't. (yes there is a huge gender issue here too and I've heard it all, a daughter won't fix me, won't guarantee friendship etc etc :() i just want some balance.
My fertility isn't great, lucky to even have had ds2, we've tried IVF 3 times and have been ttc naturally doing gender swaying diet and techniques the past year and had a 2nd miscarriage in June. We hit a low last month and decided that this would be our last month ttc as it was throwing me into a bad place and AF arrived yesterday and I feel so upset. Friend on fb who was adamant she was done announces her pregnancy today, happy for her but like a stab in my chest and set off the tears..
I know I have to call time on this and move on, and if with some miracle it happens then so be it but reality is its not. I've had months of weekly counselling and CBT in regards to these issues especially with wanting a dd to be close to and do things with (i know isn't guaranteed) which have helped but how on earth do I ever get over that longing when there will always be pregnant women, babies, families with my ideal make up around?
So tell me, how do I move on? so scared as I don't want to get depressed again. Thanks for reading and in advance for your sensitivity....
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Mental health
How do you move on with the family you have when you don't feel finished?
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SuchAFailure · 01/09/2011 11:13
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