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How do you move on with the family you have when you don't feel finished?

(2 Posts)
SuchAFailure Thu 01-Sep-11 11:13:40

Not sure where exactly to post this without being shouted at or judged ungrateful... but as its to do with my mental health I thought here, sorry to be long...

I'm 40, have struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts since I was about 13, older now, lots of counselling I understand the root causes and my views on life have turned around, I deserve to live, this world isn't against me....

I have 2 gorgeous healthy boys, massively grateful and blessed to have them and a fantastic dh, lovely home etc.... life on paper I should be happy, I'm also slim, petite and not unattractive which I think on the outside people see me as having no problems. But I can't help but want another child in our home. I would love a daughter but i am now in a place where a healthy baby is a priority, although I am often asked if I would like a daughter, like I am pitied because I don't. (yes there is a huge gender issue here too and I've heard it all, a daughter won't fix me, won't guarantee friendship etc etc sad) i just want some balance.

My fertility isn't great, lucky to even have had ds2, we've tried IVF 3 times and have been ttc naturally doing gender swaying diet and techniques the past year and had a 2nd miscarriage in June. We hit a low last month and decided that this would be our last month ttc as it was throwing me into a bad place and AF arrived yesterday and I feel so upset. Friend on fb who was adamant she was done announces her pregnancy today, happy for her but like a stab in my chest and set off the tears..

I know I have to call time on this and move on, and if with some miracle it happens then so be it but reality is its not. I've had months of weekly counselling and CBT in regards to these issues especially with wanting a dd to be close to and do things with (i know isn't guaranteed) which have helped but how on earth do I ever get over that longing when there will always be pregnant women, babies, families with my ideal make up around?

So tell me, how do I move on? so scared as I don't want to get depressed again. Thanks for reading and in advance for your sensitivity....

diyvspse Thu 01-Sep-11 20:58:52

Well you aren't such a failure, to start with. It's all very fresh still - no wonder you feel so undone. IVF is an incredibly difficult process, physically and emotionally. And on top you have suffered 2 miscarriages. You have been through an awful lot. Try to be a little kinder to yourself. It's only natural that you're beyond disappointed and miserable and grief stricken.

I can see how you might feel right now that the only thing that will make you feel better is the one thing you have wanted all along. To be pregnant with a daughter. But that just may not happen. Not because you haven't tried hard enough or don't deserve it - but just because sometimes it doesn't. What's most important is not be stuck in the TTC process... to want to conceive so badly, simply because conceiving is so elusive. We often want what we can't have.

Perhaps the way to start moving on is to think of the alternative. Do you want to continue with endless IVF cycles, or trying naturally - until you get what you want... or not? If not now, when will you have tried enough? Think of what it will take out of you and your existing family to keep going down this path. Does it feel like everything is on hold right now?

I really feel for you. I don't have that burning desire for more kids, but I can understand how incomplete people can feel until they have however many babies/sons/daughters they wish to have.

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