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I'm such a failure!

(2 Posts)
afailure Wed 31-Aug-11 20:13:05

This maybe quite long but I just need to get it all off my chest. I've also name changed.

About 6 months ago I discovered my H was having an affair. I was totally shocked and have found the road to recovery very traumatic. We are trying to work things through but the whole thing has left me with severe depression and bullimia. I'm currently taking AD's and have been on them for about 2 months.

I was starting to feel a bit like my old self over the past couple of weeks but things have just come crashing down around me. We are in a lot of financial trouble. H has his own business but it has been quite slow and although he has some work now we are in the position where we are waiting for invoices to come in but in the meantime we have nothing and we have defaulted on few direct debits. This is putting even more strain on our already strained relationship and tonight we have had a massive row. My H is blaming me for our cash flow problems as I took on the role of dealing with some of the paperwork and I will admit that I have become slack. Not just slack doing the paperwork but just general motivation for doing anything. My H has told me that if I don't pull my weight with the paperwork then I'll have to go out to work. Which is almost impossible with no childcare (both sets of grandparents live far away) and I have 3 DC under 7.

So I feel a complete an utter failure. I've failed at being a wife otherwise my H wouldn't have gone elsewhere, I failed in my marriage, I failed my DC. They don't deserve a depressed mum who sticks her fingers down her throat because she cannot cope. I've let my parents down who always thought I was perfect but my life is far from perfect. I've caused financial ruin and we will probably loose our home. I'm just so depressed. I've thought about getting a knife and cutting my wrists but I couldn't leave my DC who I adore. I couldn't do that to them but I cannot help but wonder what it would feel like to run the blade across my arm. I know those thoughts aren't healthy but I feel like I'm drowning in self pity. I'm sorry that this has been long but I just needed to offload. I'm bawling my eyes out and can't see the screen so I hope there aren't too many typos.

Thanks for reading.

madmouse Wed 31-Aug-11 20:22:36

You need help and fast. Back to the GP tomorrow or if that is too long out of hours/NHS direct tonight.

Your dh chose to have sex with another woman, that is neither your fault nor your responsibility. Being depressed also doesn't mean you are failing your children. It will mean that it is sometimes hard to carry on business as normal like keeping up with paperwork.

I find myself not very impressed with a dh who causes you great distress by having an affair and then treats you like this when you struggle with the depression his behaviour has caused. It is not for him to say that 'you must go out to work' especially as you are unwell.

Have you had any counselling, either together or alone?

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