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Mentally unhealthy!

(6 Posts)
JustHelen Wed 24-Aug-11 18:22:14

I have had depression most of my life without even realising it. In 2001 I sought help which after one session was terminated by my boss (the joys of being in the forces). i carried on and carried on until after the birth of my son I was diagnosed with PND, the doc started me on 10mg Citalopram but I continued to work, my unit went to Afghanistan, I stayed behind on request as my son was only 6 months old. It was hard and the hours were long, I was being segregated and bullied by the people I worked with and I couldn't keep up and felt so usless as a soldier, I was never at home so felt pretty crap as a mother, so terminated my contract. I felt so helpless until a mate stepped in and offered me a posting, only up the road, so I took it. It was the best thing I ever did.

But oh no, it doesn't stop there - you still awake?? I fell pregnant with my daughter, and after two months back at work I felt the stresses and strains of depression again, went back to the doc who put me on 20mg Citalopram and six weeks sick leave. My boss told me to come in to work whenever I liked, do a little bit here and there and to keep in touch because they needed me, and wanted me back to work, they invited me to all the social functions - it was brilliant. I was seeing a psychatrist but didn't rate her so stopped going sad

I got better and went back, feeling like I could take on the world so volunteered for a six monther in Afghanistan. I was accepted. Brilliant. I was terrified after about four months into the training as I felt myself 'slipping' again, the anxiety, the cramps, the sweats, the sleepless nights... I still deployed determined to see it through.

Round about January this year I hit what I would call my 'rock bottom' My husband was doing fine with the kids, I was an absolute hindrance at work; I had been cautioned already, I had no fight or drive left in me, I had started self harming and had one attempted suicide under my belt.

Anyway, now I have come back, new job, new home - a change is as good as a rest apparently. Hit the ground running with the new job within the Army, great job great people. Hit the ground running!!! Now it's coming back to bite me. I'm on pills for anxiety, which help me sleep and i'm seeing a psychatrist (one session in) I want to feel normal again, I have had snippets of it where I am awesome at my job and a great mum but they last for very short periods of time before I slump again. Fed up of fighting, don't want to fight it anymore. sad

Right now I am crap, usless and lazy and I need to snap out of it fast.

madmouse Wed 24-Aug-11 18:45:22

I am in no way a doctor but I wonder if you have ever been looked at for any type of bipolar disorder? You seem to be really good if things are good and then spiraling rapidly down again.

JustHelen Wed 24-Aug-11 19:49:23

Yeah, I had thought about it, but surely the 'experts' would have recognised it And made a diagnosis?? Might mention it at my sesh tomorrow. Thanks xxx

JustHelen Wed 24-Aug-11 19:50:15

... I am up and down like a yo yo. It is exhausting.

madmouse Wed 24-Aug-11 20:01:57

It is notoriously difficult to diagnose and it often takes a long time. Good luck tomorrow.

JustHelen Wed 24-Aug-11 21:53:19

Just trying to keep an open mind, but am confusing my self - which isn't difficult at the moment - in the process!!

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