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Feeling about to lose it - any coping mechanisms?(5 Posts)
Sorry - this might be a long one! I think i am not coping v well at the moment but I have no history of depression or mental illness so don't think I could say I was 'depressed' as such but would like to help myself snap out of this state of mind. things are just getting a bit much recently and normally I feel very resilient so it's surprising me how bad I feel. So, I was wondering if anyone could suggest any ways to cope or move on? Or am I drama queen and should just get on with it and wait for it to pass?
My background: DD is 3.2y and DS is 1.1y. I am a married SAHM. We live on the other side of the world with no family nearby and have been here for 2 years. I have some friends here but noone that I can really talk to. I don't speak or read the local language very well (but am trying to learn!) and visa conditions mean I cannot work. It would be very difficult for me to see a doctor due to the language barrier. We returned to the UK at Christmas to see family, and while we were there my Aunt died. I was able to go to and speak at her funeral (we were very close) just before we had to fly back here. I don't think I grieved properly at all. It was very easy for me not to think about it all as I was so far away. Then last month, I had a missed miscarriage and again, I thought I was ok with it but just since last week, it has all hit me at once. I am crying a lot, not sleeping very well, and losing my temper with the kids. I feel dreadful for being such a bitch to them and have no energy. I resent having to do all the household chores but am managing to keep going but seem to be hating my life at the moment. DH is not much use. He hasn't really said much about the miscarriage. He pretends to not think of it being a baby when these things happen. Says its easier for him to deal with it . he does nothing around the house but he is a great Dad and happily plays with the kids all weekend and will usually cook 1 meal at the weekend too. Oh, and he also usually puts the dishwasher in before bedtime. So, I know I can't ask for much more as he works so hard during the week. I can't stop thinking about my Aunt. I think it's because we are now starting to plan our next trip home at Christmas and the thought of going back and not seeing her is too awful. My biggest problem at the moment is how I handle the kids. DS is fine - too young really to be much of a bother although he is in to everything at the moment! DD can be willful but no more, and in fact a lot better, than most 3 yr olds. But i find myself shouting at them whereas before I would have had a stern word or used some other tactic. I hate the mother I have become.
Anyway, sorry that is so long-winded. I think it has helped to actually write it all down so maybe I don't even need any advice just to be listened to a bit, which doesn't happen at all in real life at the moment . Thanks for reading this far.
I can't post a long one but really feel for you.
It sounds like you're grieving very normally to me, and for very good reason. Please cry as much as you need to, your children will learn that tears are healing and nothing to be ashamed of, you may be surprised at how emotionally intelligent your DD is, one of the parents of my kindergarten had a miscarriage last year, she cried and cried, her little boy of three was amazing, and would just sit with her and cuddle up - just what they both needed.
Talk to her about your aunt, about how you're feeling and why you are upset and angry. She wont understand it all but she will know that you have words to put your feelings into - this is reassuring for young children and a great role model.
Tell your husband that a baby is a baby however tiny and mothers grieve for the lost hopes and love that could have been. My lovely sister's partner's attitude was so similar to your husbands.
Can you phone or skype home to your own close relatives or friends who will be able to help you readjust your emotional compass? We all need people understanding us - it's important that we feel understood IYKWIM.
may just be gibbering rubbish now but hope some of this helps x
Thanks, Wabbit. Do you know, it hadn't actually occurred to me to talk to DD about it? I think I don't want to upset her but it is probably more upsetting to have me shout and overreact and not know why. I don't think I could Skype anyone at home about it, as I don't really talk about personal stuff to friends. I am just quite private and I guess, insecure as I don;t like to bother them. I'm also terrified of people thinking I am not coping (silly, I know but, there you go...)
What you describe seems a perfectly normal response to the losses you've experienced. I've had a missed mc and I know began to cope better with it when I allowed myself to see it as a real loss which it was OK to feel sad about - as Wabbit says.
I don't know where you are, but would any childcare be possible? Just so you could have a little time to yourself? Any way you can recharge a bit would be good.
Hope you're feeling ok today BebeBelge - I've been thinking of you
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