I'm already to give in! Why does it always feel like I'm being punished?

[Bear1984]

I honestly feel like there must be something so terrible, so awful about me, that I must just be getting what I deserve. Warning, this will be long...

Main things that are stressing me out is my family and money.

I'll start with family as that'll be quicker. I've posted about it before. But long story short, I have recently stopped all communications with my mother as I can't trust her around DD (8) as she started trying to make DD see me in a bad way and say horrible things about me to her. It was a long time coming, but that was the last straw for me. It's been just over 16 weeks since we last saw her. She has been constantly ringing/texting the past week as she wants DD to see my brother before he leaves for uni in a couple of weeks. Me and my brother also don't see eye to eye (in fact I don't speak to any of my family now) and although I don't mind DD seeing him, I know he wouldn't a) get in touch with me to see her, he relies on mother, b) he wouldn't come here to see her and expect me to take her to mother's to see DD.

I did at a point this week feel bad, as DD has mentioned brother a couple of times, and I feel bad that she doesn't see him, so considered taking her to mother's to see him, but keep the time brief so DD doesn't see mother too much. But then she sent DD a letter and I read it to see what it said and it basically says about how I'm being awful for not letting her see DD despite her knowing exactly what my reasons are. So obviously I haven't given DD the letter and now I'm just angry. And I keep reminding myself that I shouldn't be using excess energy and thoughts on my narcissistic mother.

So my other problems. I feel like I am just stuck in a crack, and I know what I need to do to get out, but I can't!

Basically I finished uni in May. I have started my own business and in my first year I think I'm doing ok. But obviously starting your own business is very stressful and it's difficult to get clients and work etc. I can't charge the prices I want to or need to live as I'm new. I have had work but it's not enough to make a living on at the moment either. I'm now hitting a block where the enquiries I've had recently aren't coming out with leads.

On top of that, my benefits are all messed up as I live in a flat alone with DD. I get housing benefit, child tax credit and child benefit. I got job seekers for a couple of weeks but when I do get some work (which varies a lot!) I don't get anything, and at the moment, my housing benefit is suspended, I'm not getting council tax benefit. I'm getting £65 a week to live on at the moment, and if I have any work. The work I have over the next couple of months have all been paid for already, and that money went on my bills. The next time I'm looking to be getting any money that I have booked in at the moment is not until next year. I am doing everything I can to try and get more work, but it's so difficult. I don't have money to be able to get portfolios printed out, or go to trade shows to be able to advertise myself, or be able to afford advertising anywhere.

So now that my housing benefit is suspended, I'm about 3 weeks late in paying my rent. My gas and electric has messed up, so when I got my bill in January, I was £45 credit. Now I owe nearly £500 on bills. Apparently that's because my previous bills was done on estimates... They want me to pay £90 a month. I can't afford that. Not when I have phone, tv, insurance and car to pay for, as well as food and petrol!

I have been applying for any job I can. I ideally wanted to get a part time job so I could have money come in to cover my bills and then try and concentrate on my business as well. But now I'm looking at full time jobs and whatever I feel I can do really with my previous experience.

I have considered just quitting my business, but I really don't want to, and I went a little hysterical when I considered this. But then I can't, because I have bookings for next year, and I can't afford to pay them back their deposits.

I'm in just such a horrible position now. I have a DP, but he struggles for money as it is. We don't live together, because he isn't able to move in yet for a number of reasons, but won't go into that. I feel awful when he's not here as I feel alone. DD also misses him a lot and often asks me when he will be home. The fact that it is unclear when he could move in and be with us really upsets me a lot of the time.

I am on anti-depressants at the moment. DP has said he thinks I should do therapy, which tbh is something I've considered, and will be seeing my GP this week. I'm also unwell for other reasons too.

And just other things that I would like to vent about is that I hate that I can't afford anything. I've been living in this flat for 3 years now, and a lot of my things are still in boxes because I can't afford bookcases or furniture for things to go. My car is falling to pieces. The handbrake doesn't work. The car is always shaking a little when the engine is on. It sounds like a chain is loose underneath it. Two of the handles are missing parts as the car has been tried to be broken into twice now.

I feel like everything is against me at the moment. This is the worse situation I have ever been in. I always seem to have shit against me, whether it's money, or my family treating me like shit, or finding out my friends aren't the people that I thought they were. I have no idea what to do anymore.

I don't think I'm looking for any advice, I just really need to vent, as I'm just saw here on my own feeling like shit and eating whatever I can out the cupboard (not a great idea when I'm already 3 stone heavier than I want to be but it's what I do when I feel down and need comforting and I don't have DP or DD (sleeping) to be able to help). I am sorry that this is long, and I don't expect anyone really to read all this. Sorry.

[kizzie]

Hi - ddnt want your message to go unanswered. It sounds like youve got huge amount of things going round and round in your head. (On top of starting up a new business which must be stressful anyway.) Is there anyone you could talk to in real life - just to try and get everything out. Or if not maybe write everything down and try and make a list of priorities - to help you not worry about everything all at the same.

Also it might be worth going to your local Citizens Advice Bureau as they can help you go throgh the money issues and come up with a plan.

hope thing get a lot easier soon.

[Bear1984]

Thanks Kizzie. I do have one friend, but she's very busy, and she knows some of what is going on. I'm hoping I can get therapy, as I use to have it and found it so helpful, and I know I really need it now. I have thought of going to CAB but with DD it's difficult, as I don't really want her to be with me discussing all the money problems. And unfortunately DP works during the week. DD doesn't go back to school til 5th September.