I feel my life is over

[Isitjustmeoriseverythingshit]

that's it really.

I'm 35. Married, 2 beautiful kids. Everyone is healthy. DH and I both have good jobs. No money worries. Everything should be just perfect.

Except I can't be happy. No matter how hard I try to rationalise how good everything is; no matter how guilty I feel about feeling unhappy when so many people have real problems, i can't stop thinking that my life is over and that nothing good is ever going to happen to me again. That all my happiness quota is behind me.

I hate my job; I hate where I live; I am sure i love my husband, but right now all I can think of is that he's not the right person for me, and I resent everything he does and doesn't do; I love my kids, but I can't express it, and I can't have patience with them. I have left all my friends behind, and can't seem to be able to make new ones. I'm overweight, getting fatter, not bothering with clothes or makeup anymore. I'm ugly.

Repeat all of the above for another 1, 5,10, 20, 30 years, and all I can do is cry. I cry all the time. I'm angry all the time- blinding rage that I can barely keep in check. I'm afraid I'll hit my kids one day. I'm anxious, and panicky, and I can't remember the last time I had fun. I want to be alone all the time and then when i'm alone I die of loneliness.

I hate myself for feeling like this. I want to pull myself together, go on a diet, see someone, take some pills, whatever, do soemthing to feel better about myself; then I think to myself, what's the point, it won't change anything anyway; you'll still be here, in this place, in this job, in this family. In myself.

[Memoo]

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. It seems quite clear that you are suffering with depression. Knowing that doesn't make it any easier though, it's bloody awful. You must go and see your GP and tell her what you have told us. You can get through this, you are ill but you can get better.
Sorry I don't have more advice, struggling myself atm, but keep posting here because you will find lots of support.

Stay strong xx

[GetDownYouWillFall]

I am so sorry you are feeling like this. What I've learnt from bitter experience is that clinical depression often has little to do with circumstances i.e. you can have everything materially that you need but you can still get depression. When I had severe depression there was nothing in my circumstances that would make me "unhappy" (supportive DH, lovely baby, house, enough money etc) but yet I still became very very ill. It is like a fog that clouds everything. And guilt is a big symptom too. However, it does sound like there are things in your circumstances getting you down too (weight, job etc)

Have you been to your GP? You really need to go and explain how you've been feeling. Depression is not something you can pull yourself out of. It may be that medication or counselling or perhaps a combination of the two would do you some real good. A lot of people struggle on, but any GP worth their salt will know that depression cannot be ignored - it needs treatment.

Could you sit down and write a list of all the things that make you unhappy or that you want to change i.e. your weight, your job etc. so that the overwhelming-ness of it all is at least down on paper and you can see exactly the things that are getting you down. Then maybe put them in priority order and write down some realistic, manageable steps you could take to go about changing something e.g. commit to go for a swim once a week, or joining weight watchers or something like that.

You sound like you do really need some time for yourself too - a treat every now and again is not selfish - you are looking after yourself to give you energy to look after your family. Have you got a friend that you could ring and suggest going out for a coffee or something? Or something else that you'd really enjoy doing? I know it's hard when you feel so low and unmotivated. It's simple, manageable steps that you need to focus on:

1. make appt with GP
   
2. call a friend and arrange a treat
   
3. join weight watchers
   

Sorry if I'm talking rubbish, maybe this hasn't really helped, but your post was so sad I couldn't not reply. Hope you are ok x

[ShoutyBag]

Sorry to hear about your problems isitjust, I can relate to a lot of what you have said, as with lots of other problems on here. Have you thought about joining your mumsnet local. They sometimes have depression support groups, which may help just to get you through the door to the doctors if nothing else.

[ShoutyBag]

OP, how are you?