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Support thread for those with depressed DP?

(22 Posts)
Jodyisagirlsmane Fri 19-Aug-11 19:25:08

I have seen a few posts from people struggling with this issue, so thought I'd start a support thread instead of one just for myself.

A few nights ago my DP and I had a row about something totally unrelated which ended up with him almost in tears, telling me how much he hates his life and is disgusted by himself. I think he has been depressed for a while, but is very good at hiding it - and that row was 'the straw that broke the camels back' so to speak.

I told him that he had to go to the doctors, that I was absolutely happy to listen to him, but that I couldn't do much to help, and that the way he is feeling is causing him to act in ways which are hurting our relationship (mainly lack of physical intimacy and pulling away from me etc) He agreed to make an appointment.

However... since that night, he has gone on 'chirpy' overdrive and has instigated sex - which is something he hasn't done for over 6 months. He also has made no mention of going to the doctors. I feel like he is trying to push it under the carpet and is acting like nothing is wrong in the hopes I will forget all about it.

I don't know how to say something to him without causing another meltdown - I love him and hated to see him like that. I guess I am almost enjoying the normality of the last few days, even though I suspect it is false.

I don't know what to do for the best, or how I can help him. sad

madmouse Fri 19-Aug-11 19:54:26

It's not necessarily false - it's probably a slight high of relief from having gotten it all out in the open.

Jodyisagirlsmane Fri 19-Aug-11 19:55:50

Maybe so madmouse, that would make sense. Still not sure how to approach it, without 'undoing the spell' so to speak...

madmouse Fri 19-Aug-11 20:04:45

I would leave it for a few days see if he decides to go the doctor. He's taken a massive step by telling you, that's enough for now.

Jodyisagirlsmane Fri 19-Aug-11 20:45:47

Okay, will do. Thanks for the advice.

madmouse Fri 19-Aug-11 20:55:42

My dh has struggled with depression on and off for many years x

TheyCallMeMimi Tue 23-Aug-11 20:43:33

My DH has been treated for severe depression for 4 years now. It's tough, isn't it? It does sound like he should still see his GP though.

Triggles Wed 24-Aug-11 20:19:50

I hope this thread will continue. Could really use support. DH is on meds for depression, in fact they have just changed them, and he is all over the place. I've been struggling for ages myself, and I'm barely hanging in here.

The temptation to just cut losses and get out with the children can be so overwhelming. I grow so tired of the stress and upset.

TheyCallMeMimi Thu 25-Aug-11 23:16:11

Triggles, how long has your DH been treated? Some people find the right meds very quickly. Others have to try several types / doses. Is he seeing a counsellor as well or not? Stay strong. It's not easy. I try to take the long-term view - I tell myself DH will get better, that his behaviour is caused by the depression, and that it will pass. I am usually gritting my teeth when saying the above becasue otherwise I would say something really unhelpful!!!

My DH has been seeing a counsellor for 6months and a psychiarist for about 2. The psych has asked if I will go to his next appointment. Wonder what's in store?

Cristiane Fri 26-Aug-11 05:52:28

Can I join? My dh has been on increasingly large doses of Prozac for 2 years now, and has tried different forms of therapy. He is no l onger under the care of an nHS psychiatrist but I think he needs to be seeing one again.

I am finding it so hard. He hasn't worked since being made redundant last year and was signed off on incapacity benefit until he went for an assessment which said he was capable of work. Which he isn't. Anyway, that is all now irrelevant because I have now got a full time job. Dd1 is at school and dd2 goes to nursery a couple of mornings a week. It is hard work for him but there isn't really any other option.

It gets so hard when I speak to him during the day and I know he is struggling. He also can't prioritise, misses appointments, is late to drop dd1 off, needs cnstant guidance and reminding of things. I find it so stressful and of course come back to needy kids and sometimes a hovel.

But what is the worst is how volatile his moods are, I am so bored and frustrated of this roller coaster ride up and down. It is such hard work. I just want my husband back. Since a bad spell earlier this week I now have insomnia, been up since 3am and got a full day of work ahead. Oh shit.

MrsVidic Fri 26-Aug-11 10:09:30

Please can I join my dp who has always had OCD had a mini breakdown today and told me he can't go on etc. He has a stressful job and feels like he is letting everyone down etc. I've got him a doctors appt this aft but I just want to hold him and make it alright but I can't. We also have a 2 yr old dd and 2 week old dd

Triggles Fri 26-Aug-11 13:08:18

Theycallmemimi He's been on citalopram for about a year. Stupid GP took him off it with a very fast wean (over 2 weeks) and then put him on another one. So he's without benefit of ANYTHING right now, and I swear to God I just hate him sometimes. I am so sick of the hostility and paranoia and blame. Everything is a huge drama. No reason, no logic, nothing but shouting and screaming and stomping around like a damn teenager in a strop. He is so impatient with our boys, one of which has SNs. I keep telling him to back off and he's just so aggressive I could cheerfully kick him out. The temptation is overwhelming. I don't even like talking to him anymore. Blasted GP didn't warn him that he was going to struggle with a med change. So he, of course, wouldn't listen when I told him this. And he NEEDS counselling. But none available except phone counselling, which was absolutely useless (and took FOUR MONTHS to get started - FOUR MONTHS for someone to pick up a phone, talk to him for a few minutes, be condescending and tell him he'll be fine, and call him again a week later!!)

I just don't know if I can hold out much longer.

Orchidlady Fri 26-Aug-11 14:17:56

Can I join in? DP on a cocktail of drugs, gone through hell and back with him. Just writing on another thread about his self harming. Coping with someone elses depression can be so tiring, you just feel like so reponsible, I just can't trust or respect dp any more. He wonders why I don't want him to touch me. Then I feel really mean.

MrsVidic Fri 26-Aug-11 18:03:11

I am so glad I found this thread today. Dp has been to the docs and been advised to take a few days off and is being referred to counselling etc. We are really lucky as his work provide health care so it should be quick. It was so relieving when we went to the doctors as I have been wanting him to go for ages.

His work have been good so far too.

Triggles Fri 26-Aug-11 20:09:06

I've tried a new tactic tonight. When DH started getting stroppy and shouting, I calmly told him "I will not be taking part in any arguments tonight. I choose to have a pleasant evening." and left it at that. He sputtered for a few moments, shouted a few times, then realised he wasn't drawing me in. When he started going on about how his meds were being changed and he wasn't at full strength med-wise, I simply told him "well, just think. When your meds are working again, and you think back over the last couple weeks, you'll see just how dreadfully you have behaved towards your family." That gave him a few moments of though. Interesting....if nothing else, I know that I feel calmer.

TheyCallMeMimi Fri 26-Aug-11 20:13:43

OMG, there are a lot of us aren't there?! I can so identify with the "rollercoaster" and being both bored and frustrated (Cristiane); the stomping around like a teenager (Trigges); and the feeling of responsibility and of not wanting him to touch you, etc (Orchidlady). (My DH has taken to referring to sex as "stress relief therapy"!!!)

Yes it really is emotionally exhausting dealing with someone who is completely unpredictable and whose moods change from minute to minute. But you can let it all out here. We understand. Come here and scream, if it helps.

According to DH, the psych said that they can't actually go any further with his treatment, unless he lets go of his feelings of wanting revenge. (His idea of revenge involves murder followed by suicide, BTW.) He says they either have to cure him or lock him up. He's really good at twisting things people say, so that he has "proof" that we'd all be better off without him. So I do an awful lot of tongue-biting, under the guise of listening and letting him talk. (Are there any MH professionals reading this do you think?)

TheyCallMeMimi Fri 26-Aug-11 20:14:51

Hey, well done Triggles!

Triggles Fri 26-Aug-11 21:37:39

Thanks. He's had a few outbursts this evening, but I've refused to argue, simply answered calmly that I refuse to be involved in an argument, and it's fizzled right out. This is probably the calmest evening I've had in DAYS. Obviously things still need to be worked on, but I can deal better when I'm not stressed to the eyeballs.

Triggles Sun 04-Sep-11 10:45:54

How's everyone doing on here?

We've had a few stressful days here. DH is still walking around growling, of course. He has a GP appointment Tuesday, and as he doesn't think to ask questions when he's in there, and she is possibly not explaining things well to him (I say possibly because I know her and she is rather like that, but again, he might not be listening as well either... argh) and there are a few things I need to ask. He seems to be unclear as to his medication - GP apparently told him first to take it at night, then changed to morning. It makes him very tired, and taking it in the morning makes him groggy all day. And he's not improving at all in mood or anger, so I really am not sure about it. There should be some slight improvement after 3 weeks, I would think. Although she's talking about bumping him up again this week, apparently. But I think he'd be better off taking it at night, so it doesn't mess up his sleep schedule so much. Very frustrating.

DH gets angry when I tell him to stop shouting and then it's "don't tell me what to do" which drives me nuts. Again, stroppy teenager mode is incredibly annoying. I usually respond with something along the lines of "stop acting like a stroppy teenager then" which I know is not helpful, but god, it's irritating.

Orchidlady Mon 05-Sep-11 10:25:44

Oh the not knowing what meds to take and when thing, also self medicating. As soon as the AD's start to work he seems to think that he is "cured" and no longer needs them. So round and round we go, this lead him to severely cut his arm with a knife!!!! a couple of weeks ago. This particular episode actually made me feel really sick, then I feel guilty, just not sure I really can stand this much longer, I need someone I can rely on. Sorry for the rant.

Triggles Mon 05-Sep-11 18:31:42

orchidlady - so sorry - that must be really frustrating when he stops. My sister is bipolar and on meds, and she does that. As soon as she starts feeling better, she stops taking the meds, which of course makes her worse. It's such a vicious cycle. DH is consistently taking his meds, they just don't seem to be doing much.

saffycat Wed 28-Sep-11 00:27:54

DH has suffered from bouts of depression for years. Have become used to treading on eggshells and protecting the children from his moods - very stressfull. I encouraged him to go to GP for ADs a year ago. Has been taking citalopram for a year with a short break to see if he could do without them. They have helped his mood enormously BUT, have he finds it much more difficult to sleep and his libido is completely non-existent. He is feeling better than ever but the sexual side of our marriage has ground to a total halt changing the dynamics of our relationship have completely. Living together feels like like sharing a room with my brother. I feel so sad about it and guilty for feeling sad because he is feeling better. Can't bear the thought that this could be how it is forever.

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