Advice: DH admitted to psych unit- what next?

[fledtoscotland]

Crisis point this morning with his depression. Crisis team agreed voluntary admission to hospital for medication changes and assessment.

Am now at home with DC ages 2 & 3 but feel numb and broken, he's pushed me so far I don't know if I love him anymore- no mean I love him and miss him but am not sure if "in love with him".

Need to sort out debts etc but should be able to pay mortgage on my salary.

What else do I need to do? Where do I go next? My brain is fried and I can't stop crying. I don't want him to leave but we can't go on as we are.

[catsareevil]

Did they give you any idea how long he would likely be in for?
Do you think you might feel differently about him if he were in better mental health?

[fledtoscotland]

I miss him terribly and want nothing more than him home but I cant go on as we have been with his depression/moods/anger - its not fair on the kids least of all me.

He will see the consultant on wednesday morning which I am invited along to meet with him for the consultant assessment and then we should know more. My concern is that the discharge him cos he seems "well" and gives the right answers but nothing will change once he's home and back in his normal environment.

I phoned at 5pm (he was admitted at 12noon) and he had slept all afternoon.

[lubeybooby]

Just urge him to be honest with them and not to say he feels better or give the 'right' answers unless he honestly does. I have no idea what to advise apart from that. Big un mnet hug for you though x

[Upwardandonward]

Rethink have this about money here

They have a lot of factsheets about various things here

[cjbartlett]

He'll be put on different medications until the right one works hopefully
My friend was in for three months
It takes ten days to a fortnight for the tablets to start to work but they kept having to find the right ones for her so it took ages
She is much better now and her relationship has improved no end

[fledtoscotland]

he doenst want to talk. he says he wants to be left alone. He stopped taking his mirtazapine & diazepam friday and seems ok yesterday almost like his old self. THis morning he flipped at DC1 which is very out of character - before about a month ago he was the most patient placid man I have ever met.

Hes not eating. Doesnt want to engage in any contact. Went to kiss him goodbye when I left him and he turned away from me.

We have had virtually no physical contact for months now and when I ask him why he just says he's not a physical person but I remember that its not that long ago we would always hold hands going out, kiss goodbye even going to shops (not snog but peck on cheek) - small displays of love

He's crumbling inside but steadfastly refusing to talk as he says he's just "nuts"

[fledtoscotland]

thanks for the links upwardandonward. BIL is an accountant and is coming back from spain tomorrow to sort out DHs debts. I can afford to pay bills this month but will juggle as of next month if I have to meet repayments as well as living costs. I only bring home about £1200 without overtime and am in the visous circle of working more has increased childcare costs so without a functioning DH I am restricted to my basic hours (i'm a nurse)

Dont know why I'm focusing on money but makes me feel I'm doing something.

My best friend has come over tonight and has put the boys to bed for me - i just keep crying and they are upset asking whats wrong. I cant tell them.

CJbartlett - does it take as long as that to get the meds to kick in? The GP has signed me off for 4 wks tonight so that buys me a little time to take stock

Thanks btw for listening to my ramblings and the hugs are appreciated.

[catsareevil]

You might want to try and find out roughly how long your DH's consultant thinks he will be an in-patient for. Obviously it wont be possible for them to know for sure, but they might have an idea. Psychiatric admissions can be lengthy, but equally some people are discharged after a matter of days, with a view to ongoing treatment as an out-patient.
Having an ida of what is anticipated might help you in planning ahead.

[CHC3]

Ask the hospital about family therapy. These are sessions with the psychologist to help you and your husband deal with the illness and the issues it raises with you as a family.
I've just been through something similar with my DH who has bipolar and we've had a really rubbish few months. We had our first family therapy last week and we both feel quite positive it is going to help us.
Good luck. x

[fledtoscotland]

Thanks CHC3 - will ask the nurses tomorrow about that. It sounds what I need. BIL is arriving tomorrow night and is coming to the consultant appointment with me on Wednesday. Hes here for 3 days so will be some help (its unfortunate he lives abroad but is the only family we have apart from elderly FIL)

[madmouse]

You're focusing on money because yes it is something practical that you can solve but it is also a basic necessity for the roof over your head and providing for your kids. So that is quite ok.

It sounds odd but try not to worry too much about whether you still love your dh - it can be really hard to remember who he is if the illness has swallowed so much of him. Not to say everything will be rosy when he's stable - but you will know much better where you stand.

[NorksAreMessy]

Sending support and love. Your DH is under all that crap somewhere. But it might take time for him to dig himself out (depressive speaking)

Anybody worrying about school blazers right now ought to be hanging her head in shame

[fledtoscotland]

thanks NOrks - for some reason your post has just made me sob my heart out.

[NorksAreMessy]

So sorry fled I didn't mean to make you do that :(

I am here if you need me.

It is easier for me to see the other side and to know how little worth you put on yourself, as a depressive, let alone other people. So I can see from your DH's POV.

You can only really love someone else if you love yourself.

Sorry to say, you have a long road ahead. We will help where we can, but most of the professionals really DO know what they are doing.

[follyfoot]

Oh Fled, poor you. What Norks said really, he's in there somewhere. The saddest thing is that he will be loathing himself a thousand times more than you might feel he loathes you. And its very hard to love someone when you hate yourself. My DH suffers too, and I remember a wise friend (whose partner also suffers from severe depression) saying to me 'just remember folly, he will get better'.

So Fled, just remember, he will get better, its not always going to be like this. Holding your hand

[fledtoscotland]

It's ok Norks- I'm crying pretty much constantly atm. Nursery are taking DS2 an extra day tomorrow so I don't have to worry about childcare and how long the meeting lasts.

Hardly slept at all last night and both boys ended up in with me - they know something isn't right but haven't asked so I've not said anything.

Will go to afternoon visiting and hope he will talk but hasn't done for months so nothing is going to change overnight.

Thanks for all your support. RL friends are being amazing but I'm so scared I'm trying to use them for practical help rather than emotional support.

[fledtoscotland]

It's also nice to be reminded that DH is still there somewhere so our marriage may not be totally irreparable

[NorksAreMessy]

I know what you mean about RL friends. it is MUCH easier to type to people who are not so emotionally invested in you or your DH.

Love that your little boys are trying to comfort you, being close and cuddly.

He is there, but he can't really see out at the moment. :(

I will be thinking of you this afternoon, you are probably right to have low expectations of how much he will be able to articulate, but it may be that he feels calmer having handed some of his trouble to the professionals.

Keep writing. We are all here to hold your hand

[ComeWhineWithMe]

Holding your hand also, FTS. No advice just a big (hug) and a shoulder to cry on if ever you need one.

[Anifrangapani]

My dh went into hospital for depression. It is hard & stressful for you - take advantage of any help that is offered to take the pressure off. You will have an opportunity to pay it back when he is feeling better - so don't feel guilty!

It was the small things that counted for me - the card from a friend for no reason, being invited out to tea so I could feel "normal", my neighbour taking my washing in because it was starting to rain while I was visiting dh.

The positives were knowing who my friends are and having space away from my dh while he was ill.

He will get better and he is in the right place.

[madmouse]

Why are you scared to use your RL friends for emotional support? That's what they're there for. I wouldn't be here but for the emotional support of RL friends.

[fledtoscotland]

Not scared to use friends just scared in general. It's easier to use them for practical support. My best friend has taken DS1 to the shops now to get bread. My neighbour watched DS2 whilst I took DH to the hospital.

I've dealt with his depression alone for so long it's difficult actually talking about it to friends. On here its anonymous and I can cry alone which is what I want at the moment. I can't focus on people being nice to me if that makes any sense.

Lying thinking in the middle of the night made me realise I've lost me as well as him. We've been so bogged down trying to keep going theres been no time for us as a couple or as individuals.

Just found another invoice for $120 of crap off eBay. Tonights job is listing the debts- what fun :(

[madmouse]

I know what you mean - I never talked to anyone about dh's at times quite severe depression. When I finally did it was such a relief, and so lovely to have some support for me - just a hug from someone who understood. In our case it came to a head when dh was depressed and I had bad PTSD and dh was too busy surviving to give me any support. Plus dh is a church minister and it was announced that he was taking time off because of depression so suddenly everyone knew.

Cos that's the other thing - you will be used to doing everything without support from your dh - practical as well as emotion al.

Even if he comes out of hospital tomorrow you have a long way ahead of you - time to get some real support in place for you.

[NorksAreMessy]

Just checking in to see how you are and how you got on this afternoon

X

[fledtoscotland]

Just a quick update as on phone cooking tea for boys. Had zero expectations this afternoon but it went well. Not esp talkative initially but he said he didn't think I would come and was glad I did.

He doesn't want meds but will have CBT etc. Wants to come home asap but I've said not til he's seen consultant. He's asked me to go back to evening visiting so I will update from laptop later.

Thankyou everyone x