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Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

MNHQ have commented on this thread

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Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

MNHQ have commented on this thread

Mental health

to feel that my husband needs to buck up and get out of his depression?

106 replies

monkies · 03/08/2011 00:21

My hubby has long suffered from bi-polar manic depression (we've been together for 14 years) and I have always supported him and we've got through the 2 yearly bouts with patience, talking and support. I had our first child in February and these past months have been the happiest I have ever known (it took 6 years and a lot of stressful interventions for me to get pregnant). However, I feel that my husband is determined to spoil it. I have reluctantly returned to work full time, 5 days a week - yuk! because I have to in order to pay the bills / mortgage etc. I have put a really brave face on and have just got on with it even though it breaks my heart to leave them all every day. My hubby works full time as well and baby is cared for by my mum at the mo (which we are all happy with). Recently, and at every opportunity, my husband tells me how low he is feeling and how he can't shake it etc... I love him very much but I am tempted to just tell him to get a grip because we are all working hard and compromising and I can't take his sadness at the moment. Am I being selfish and should I try to find the compassion and patience I have always had for him or am I right to be using all of my energy for keeping it together and enjoying our child?

OP posts:

Report

BitOfFun · 03/08/2011 00:22

Has telling him to get a grip ever been very effective in the past?

monkies · 03/08/2011 00:24

Not really.. the depression works its way out - sometimes it takes months. He needs a lot of talking and support but now i just don't want to be dragged into it. Our sex life is also non-existant... I feel like I am tuned into a different wavelength now.

OP posts:

Deuce · 03/08/2011 00:24

You are really harsh.

LolaRennt · 03/08/2011 00:26

ANyone who has been severley depressed should know that you do have to make the effort, if that is just getting out of the house, taking meds, whatever it is you need to do. Wallowing in it is being unfair on your family and not beneficial. You are not being unreasonable.

Birdsgottafly · 03/08/2011 00:26

His bi-polor was always going to be in your lives and now it is in your DC's life.
You would be unreasonable to expect him not to be ill ever again just because you have a child. Was it all discussed, with his doctors etc as well befor hand?

Is his bi-polar likely to be genetic?

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 03/08/2011 00:27

YANBU to think it.

However the length if his depression does suggest that if it was simply a matter of getting a grip then he might have done it already.

Does he try to help himself? Because if he doesn't the you've every right to get angry IMO.

LolaRennt · 03/08/2011 00:27

I also think if the OP has put up with it for 14 years she isn't being harsh getting to the end of her tether. She's human.

Solo · 03/08/2011 00:28

Perhaps he should get support and or counselling elsewhere if you feel unable to do it this time? but IME, telling him to get a grip wont work if he truly has depression, so it's not the best thing to say to him and I personally wouldn't.
Hope you all get it sorted out.

belledechocchipcookie · 03/08/2011 00:29

Would you tell someone with MS to 'buck up and get out of it?' Depression is an illness, he can't control when it appears and when it fades. Without a doubt it is draining on loved ones because they are so helpless. Telling him to 'get a grip' isn't going to help. It sounds as though you need some support also, have you been to see your GP about some counselling?

Empusa · 03/08/2011 00:29

It's really really difficult, I know how you feel. I also know how your DH feels. It's tough for both of you.

You wont get great reactions for your OP, as it is harsh. But it is understandable at the same time.

Is he seeing anyone or on medication? We've found that while waiting to see someone a combination of support from Mind and Samaritans is best.

Being told "I'm feeling really low", does make you want to scream, "well what do you expect me to do?!" But we both know that'll make things worse, feel free to PM me if you need to vent though.

Birdsgottafly · 03/08/2011 00:29

Lola-he isn't severly depressed, he is on a low because of a MH condition, it isn't the same.

OP is there somewhere else that you can direct him to for support? I take it you knew his cycles before you had the child, has it changed in any way, is he on the right meds, do you think?

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 03/08/2011 00:29

She is not being harsh at all.

Birdsgottafly · 03/08/2011 00:31

The OP 'hasn't put up with it' she has chose to have a DC who has a serious MH condition. There is some responsibility in that.

GetOrfMoiSamsungFridgeFreezer · 03/08/2011 00:31

Do you think that it has something to do with the fact the pre baby you had the emotional wherewithal to deal with his depression, and now you have a tiny baby (and a full time job) you simply have no energy to cope with dealing with his moods and malaise?

I don't blame you actually, you are only human. There is only so much emotion you can deal with. I can imagine you just want to concentrate on your baby.

Your DH must feel vile though, I have no practical advice other than I sympathise.

However, some people with mental illness do respond to the 'pull yourself together' treatment. I know I did. But I wouldn't advise you to say it to him tbh.

Birdsgottafly · 03/08/2011 00:32

'with someone'

monkies · 03/08/2011 00:32

Thanks everyone.

Birdsgottafly - it was not really discussed but it is possibly genetic as both of his parents and uncle have suffered in the past. I kind of want to keep it very quiet because I do not want new baby (sorry - new to all this - don't know the acronyms) to know / expect to have it himself. I'm feeling scared now.

Alibabaa - Yes, I know. It's not helpful for me to say get a grip. He absolutely would if he could.

OP posts:

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 03/08/2011 00:32

Belle - you can't control it, but you can guard against it, watch for it, and fight it as hard as you can when it does come. I'm speaking from experience.

OP is he on the right meds for his MH condition?

Empusa · 03/08/2011 00:33

birdsgottafly Yes and no.

I chose my husband and he chose me, we still have to "put up with" each others MH issues. Choosing someone doesn't mean you suddenly have the emotional strength to deal with the rollercoaster that is mental illness.

FabbyChic · 03/08/2011 00:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

Birdsgottafly · 03/08/2011 00:33

Just to add before i go, i think that you both need support and tbh in the future your DC may. It is tough having a parent with bi-polar, if it is at least moderate.

Thumbwitch · 03/08/2011 00:34

"bucking up and getting out of his depression" just isn't going to happen, is it. I agree he needs to do something but that is to see a doc and discuss changing his meds/ the dose of his meds; he has a mental disorder, he's not just a miserable git.

Yes, you've put up with it for a long time. Yes, your priorities have changed and you no longer have the time to invest in his needs alone - but that doesn't change the fact that he is clinically ill.

So send him to the doc - MAKE him go. If he won't, then you have more legitimate grounds for being angry with him. Agree with Solo that he should perhaps seek counselling as well if he needs talking support.

FabbyChic · 03/08/2011 00:35

The right medication means I can work now full time 40 hours a week, I no longer have panic attacks, I have not cried for what seems like months. I can cope now whereas before anything and everything made me panic and cry.

Get a grip, sort yourself out, disgusting words from someone who is supposed to care.

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Empusa · 03/08/2011 00:35

Fabby Read the OP again, that was my first reaction too. But she has been supporting him, and is fairly obviously venting here.

Birdsgottafly · 03/08/2011 00:37

Then why did you bring a baby into the mix?

Thumbwitch · 03/08/2011 00:37

nice supportive post there from Fabbychic as usual.

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