Is this depression?

[IvyAndGold]

Gradually over the last two years, but more so over the last five or so months, DP has:

-Become very lethargic, he's is constantly exhausted, he can sleep for 12 hours and still be tired.
-His temper has become very quick, though he will walk out of the house rather than tell me what's the matter.
-He has completely lost interest in me, physically (kisses, hugs, let alone anything else) and would rather sit on his own absorbed in a film or just on the internet. He hardly starts conversations and sometimes I don't know what to say to him.
-He says he is angry with everything; our lack of money, how tired he always is, us not having a decent place to live, himself for not being able to sort these problems. The only thing that can cheer him up is DD.
-He has said he doesn't feel the same way about anything in his life any more, including our relationship :( he insists he still loves me, but feels so angry/upset/frustrated with everything that he doesn't know what he wants anymore :(

I'm so devastated. I knew he was stressed as he does work long hours on his feet, and we are struggling financially, but the housing situation looked to be improving soon. He never says anything to me about how he feels. And I'm angry with myself for not noticing. He has had a very rough couple of years; he was supposed to become an apprentice for his dad's successful business, but a couple of months before it happened he was killed in a road accident, so DP lost his DF (who he was very close to) and a career that he was excited about. He had no time to grieve, but took over the role of looking after his three very young sisters with his DSM, who was obviously struggling too. Then a week after the funeral we discovered I was pregnant (unplanned) He has been made redundant twice, and though he has just been promoted at his current job and is in line for the next one, he hates his job. He's applied for a lot of others, and had a few interviews, but nothing else. We were in a car accident which wrote off the car and so have had to spend all of our savings on a new one. He also had a run in with his horrible brother last month, who broke his nose, completely unprovoked, was pressured by their DM to drop charges and then told to 'draw a line under it and move on'. I know he was gutted at the apparent lack of support.

I've moved to my parents' for the weekend with DD to give him some time to himself to think about things. I've left him a message and told him that I think he needs some help to manage his negative thoughts and feelings, but that I'll obviously support him the whole way as much as I possibly can. I went on Friday lunchtime and haven't heard from him since, though I know he has read the message I sent. I really don't want him to leave me and DD but he is the type to think he can fix things on his own; he's one of these 'I don't get ill' blokes. He says he's tried to fix things on his own and it hasn't worked so doesn't see how it can ever work. I'm gutted; I feel lost and like I'm waiting around for him to decide if he wants us or not, but then the way he has been lately doesn't sound like him at all, it's like it's the depression talking.

So I guess I'm pretty sure it's depression really. I just don't know what to do. I can't force him to get help but I don't think the relationship can last if he doesn't and I worry about him. I want to give him space to himself but I'm just desperate to know if he wants to be part of our family or not.

What do I do? :(

[IvyAndGold]

Bump :(
(sorry it's long!)

[Besom]

Not sure if I can be much help, but didn't want to read and run. Sorry you're going through this it sounds so difficult.

Would he consider going to Relate with you to try to sort out your relationship? It sounds as though he needs more than this but it may be a start and the focus is on both of you rather than just him. If he won't go with you, maybe you should go yourself - to have someone to talk this through with.

But don't be angry with yourself. This is not your fault and ultimately you can't force him to get help. You can only make decsions based on what's best for you and for dd.

[EightToSixer]

Hi ivy and gold, sorry to hear youre having such a tough time.
It sounds like your dp has some of the symptoms of depression, but remember there can also be medical reasons for these symptoms too. He should have a blood test, as well as any other help he needs.
I'm no expert, I was diagnosed with depression ten days ago only for my blood tests to come back saying I was dangerously anaemic. Depression is also a symptom of anaemia, along with tiredness etc - hence the confusion.
He can't be happy like this and needs to get to the gp to rule some things out.
I understand your desperation, but unfortunately this all takes time and that is going to be really hard on you and dd.
Sorry I have no more real advice to give you, I'm sure someone will be alng soon with something wise.
Good luck with everything.

[IvyAndGold]

Thank you. I think I might have to wrestle him to the GPs, if he ever contacts me. No way we could afford Relate I don't think :( I thought he might have phoned or sent me a text to come and see DD, but he hasn't. How can he have tried to 'fix' everything on his own without even letting me know that there was anything wrong? I keep going from being angry with him, to being angry with myself and just wanting to help him help himself :(

[Besom]

I hope you can get him to the gp. Maybe you'll be able to persuade him with the 'it might be something physical' tack. Which it might be - thyroid problems are another thing which can cause depression. Although it would hardly be surprising for someone to become depressed after what you describe.

[NanaNina]

Definitely needs to get to GP. They have a questionnaire (short tick box thing) asking about the major symptoms of depression, and according to your score you are deemed to be mildly, moderately or severely depressed. If depressed he will be prescribed ADs which can really help (I know from experience) but they do take 2 -4 weeks to kick in. The other thing is that what acts on one person doesn't necessarily act on another, so sometimes you have to try a couple before you get the right one. He has suffered a lot of losses and depression is almost always about loss.

Maybe you will have to issue an ultimatum to get him to the GP. I don't think he is in any fit state to be able to make use of counselling in any event.

You will no doubt have to rely on your reserve tank of patience and resilience. You do need to take care of yourself too as you are clearly in a very unhappy situation at the moment.

[Chocattack]

It does sound like it could be depression (and not at all surprising given the timeline of events you describe). But always best to rule out physical problems so as Besom said maybe persuade him there with that.

If you don't already do so, when speaking with (to?) him try not to get angry or emotional, although I know it must be tough. In the past when depressed and in a relationship one thing sure to make me fly off the wall was my dp constantly questioning, asking what's wrong, why aren't you talking to me etc etc or getting angry with me. Sometimes all you really want to be is left alone. Perhaps leave it to him to come to you. Does he have any family/close friends you could have a discreet word with?

Absolutely do take care of yourself. Your dd needs at least one of you to be well.