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Missing son with MH problems(16 Posts)
I want to 'talk' to someone - sorry it's so late. DS1, 22, has been missing since just after 6pm this evening. History of MH problems including hospital, sectioning, suicide attempts. Left the house because, I think, he felt rejected by his siblings who have had to put up with years of unpleasantness at his hands. He went away for sometime (I posted about this 3 weeks ago) - came back, without any warning, 3 weeks ago. Since then, life has been so hard - he is so ill and we have been having a hell of a time trying to get help for him, including supported accommodation, and support for the rest of the family.
But now, his disappearance this evening has eclipsed all of this. We've contacted the Police - actually they have just arrived. Please think of him - back soon. xx
oh my gosh, you must be soooo worried.
I can't say anything that will be any help to you I don't think, only that I really hope that he turns up and is ok
I'm thinking of him Rose.
Hope next time you post he is back with you.
Much love & big hug x
hope he finds his way home soon, how scary for you.
Oh my gosh I hope you find him soon... Am thinking of you... Keep strong. Will check in again tomorrow. X
Hoping he turns up soon, fingers crossed he already has!
Thinking of you. I hope he's reappeared already!
Thank you all for your kind messages, very late last night, early this morning and into this afternoon. I am so grateful. DS1 turned up c 8am - he'd been wondering around the town until 1am and then went to the church (of his youth as it happens) where he lay down on a raised platform but under some kind of shelter. Didn't see anyone. Slept a bit.
Police had circulated his details but in the end , he just walked back. Tired, dirty, hungry.
His siblings can't stand having him in the house and have been very, very angry with DH and me since he came back in - in fact since he came home from 18 months away - a few weeks ago. With the fiasco last night, the friend (of ours) with whom he'd been staying, has chucked him out. Because siblings (15/19) won't tolerate him in the house because of past wrongs, we have had to put him in a nearby youth hostel for tonight.
Trying hard to find supported lodgings but proving very hard. He wanted to stay put, was talking about his future but he is almost complete denial about his past behaviour. Said he was manipulated into leaving suddenly (by my ex and even by other family members) and said that over there, with ex, he fell very ill and couldn't be accountable for his actions - like (though he claims not to remember) writing us vitriolic letters, writing to third parties (to be precise DS3's school which turned into a SSD nightmare). Claims he was under influence of drugs and ex's heavy influence. So feels he can't really say sorry to his siblings as his behaviour (which he says he doesn't recall) was part of a 'context' which wasn't of his making.
True, ex is a highly manipulative and unsavoury person but, as DH says, he wasn't abducted - could have stood his ground.
1. Could hard drugs and steroids (he had body dysmorphia for a number of years) really erase memory, especially of unpleasant events, to that extend? Coupled with a diagnosis of psychosis which is what the hospital last year (when he was away from us) diagnosed.
2. How to build bridges in the (immediate first) family? How to help the kids be reconciled? The atmosphere at home is so, so tense - younger children are so angry, tell us we should chuck him out on the street. They don't know about the suicide attempts or much, if anything about, the 'context' ie ex and his years of attempting to woo DS3 and persuade him to leave home. Any kinds of 'professionals' come to mind - family counselling/therapy? Might it work? DS3 has apparently emailed Childline today - he is so afraid of DS1 in the house.
3. Accommodation - trying the Foyer (full), other supported options (full or waiting lists), local mental health services here very poor. Going for a carers' assessment but advised nothing may come out of it.
Bottom line - want to help, support DS3 (in spite of everything) but younger children must be protected and feel safe. And this fractured family must be able to get back together - sometime.
Thank you all again - any more thoughts gratefully received. I am so tired and very, very sad. xx Sorry this is so long - won't write at such length again.
if you say he can't live at home then he can go onto the emergency housing list and the local council will HAVE to provide him with somewhere to stay. this may be a b&b or shared housing to start with though.
would his siblings be happier having him back if he promised to stick to a course of therapy?
how old are they?
sorry, just seen you had mentioned their ages.
i dunno, i think they're old enough to accept that he has done bad things but that right now he needs support and shelter. but without knowing exactly what has gone on in the past it's hard to say.... are they really very afraid?
i'm not sure that drugs and psychosis would truly erase a memory, but it's certainly true that he may not fully have realised what he was doing and why and what effects it was having on the rest of you.
do you think he is ready to change and get help? do you think he can do it? if so i would try hard to keep him at home where you can give him lots of support and get him through this.
i realise it's hard balancing the needs of everyone in the family though. just that personally i would worry if he was living alone and no-one was there to stop him doing anything silly
That's a difficult one to answer (whether he doesn't remember), as it's very individual. I think sometimes it can happen.
Writing a letter estranging him may help him get higher on the housing list.
I agree with thisisyesterday... He really sounds like he needs your support at home to get better. I appreciate youre caught between a rock and a hard place with regards to helping your son and balancing the wishes of your other children. It's hard without knowing exactly why they feel so strongly about him. Do you think they understand his actions were from his MH problems, which he may not have done if he was well?
What would you like to do? Do you want him at home? He needs his mum but I totally sympathise with your dilemma. Keep talking.
Do your other children understand he is mentally ill ? Have you considered family therapy ?
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