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Why am I so self- destructive and make such shitty decisions in life? (long sorry)(4 Posts)
My parents have given me everything including a private school education and lots of love and support and yet I feel like a complete failure due to me throwing everything back in their faces and making completely crappy self-sabotaging life choices.
My late mum was bipolar and at age 16 I went through a patch of depression as I wasn't happy at school. It was at this time that I started rebelling and got the boyfriend from hell who was a controlling abuser. I tried to go to university and i was doing really well but I had to drop out as he controlled what I ate and I develped a full blown eating disorder. I will never, to this day understand why I went out with him and why I didn't just dump him when his issues with food became apparent. At this important time when I should have been choosing my career, he managed to convince me not to bother.
When we finished my eating returned to normal and I started an art course. I feel in love with ceramics and pottery and I was really good at it. I did use it as a therapy in order to try and recover from my abusive ex but I was also drinking and shagging around a lot in oredr to numb the pain. Eventually I ended up shagging the abusive ex and subsequently ended up on a psychiatric ward for a month. In the mean time he dumped me again. In the mean time I turned down a man who loved me and who I loved very much and who I still do to this day. I was so scared of getting hurt but I feel like I lost my big love to a complete shit head.
I didn't continue with art and got a series of shitty jobs before going back to un in a completely different subject, training to be a teacher and getting a career. On my probabtional year I got knocked up by my then boyfriend and had to leave my training. I was chaos. I wanted my baby but it was completely unplanned. I ended up a single mum on benefits although I am now starting to claw back my teaching career. My mum wanted me to be a doctor and I would have been really good at it but I just rebelled and did the arty stuff. My sister is a doctor and is doing so well.
My life just seems so chaotic, punctuated with bad decsions leading to more chaos with a distinct emphasis on me choosing man who hurt and destroy me, thus leading me to be alone. I just want a sodding normal life like everyone else. I want to be a 2.4 family with a bit of money. WHY am i making such shite decisions? Do I have a personality disorder? I amy be bipolar but so was mum and she had a very loving and supportive partner. I have had a good life but it has alos been chaotic and messy and very painful at times. I am going to take up art again as I miss it but only as a hobby. How can I change? Help needed! I mean surely it's normal to want to have a nice, easy, fullfilling life?
You may need to acknowledge the damage done to you in an ongoing abusive relationship. The moment you blame yourself for not walking out you show that you don't understand how much an abuser slowly undermines everything you are. The fact that he got control over your eating shows the extent to which this was happening. I can't tell whether you are bipolar or not but I can recognise most of the other things you describe as the fallout of the abuse you suffered. Did you ever have any counselling specifically to deal with the abuse? I know you've been in a psych ward but this can mean meds rather than talking...
You definatly need to talk to someone about all that has happened and let go of the guilt and resentment so that you can move on with your life. YOUR LIFE. You do not need a man to complete you and when you are ready one will show when you least expect it and things will be ok. Find out who you want to be first, what you want to do for work and fun. Put you and your baby first and everyone else 2nd. If you change you to fit everyone else you will be miserable and just get hurt again and again. Learn to forgive yourself especially since it was caused by a bad situation.
I went through a simular situation. I dated a guy who used me for money and allowed his friends to take advantage of me while I was drunk. After that I blamed myself for trusting him and for drinking enough to get into trouble. I also thought I was ruined because I was no longer pure so I shagged around and was self destructive for a year. One day I talked to a random old lady at the park (I call her my angel) and told her everything and she got me into a counseler and helped me get over the bad times. I graduated college and found my DH 3 years later when I was not even interested in dating. We have been together 5 years and have 2 beautiful boys. I refuse to change who I am and what I want out of life for anyone and I was able to forgive myself and those who wronged me. Things get better I promise.
We all make shit decisions though - nobody on the earth gets it right everytime! I think the phrase you used - 'chaotic and messy and very painful at times' sums it up very well. Life is like that - but hopefully with happiness and joy in there too. But it sounds like you haven't experienced much of the positive side so far. Don't beat yourself up - you didn't make your ex-abusive, you were vulnerable and made a decision that seemed to be the right one at the time. But it wasn't - so what? That doesn't make you a bad person, just human. I don't think life is often easy, but hopefully you can be more fulfilled as you get back into teaching.
FWIW, I think that going to uni, having artistic talent, retraining in teaching and looking after your child on your own are all huge acheivements and you should be very, very proud of yourself, especially as you had depression so young, which is, I think, very significant. You must have been under immense strain and emotional pain to have depression at 16 (I did too).
Understandably you seem to be dwelling on the negatives and blaming yourself for them, and not giving yourself any credit for the amazing, worthwhile things you have done. Bloody hell, are we twins?!
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