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Have no idea what the subject of this thread is, but pls read it, before I fall through the gaps

(20 Posts)
luckywinner Wed 20-Jul-11 14:30:47

I am falling apart. Four months ago I was in such a good place. I was recovering well from a hideous breakdown. I actually started laughing and enjoying life. And then I found out I was pregnant with dc3. It was completely unplanned. I didn't know what to do. Half of me wanted to have a termination and make things go back to the way it was. But I couldn't go through with it.

So now I am 10 weeks pregnant. I am exhausted. I am constantly sick. I am a sahm, so I don't have to worry about work but I have let the washing slide, the ironing slide. Dc are being fed pasta pesto every night as its all I can face looking at. Tonight I promised to take dc and two friends to soft play as a treat and I am dreading it.

I feel so alone. I feel like the crappest mother. I don't like myself very much. I am angry that I am in this position (pregnant). Dh didn't really want me to keep the baby because he was worried I would have another breakdown. Well, he's right. And I fought to not terminate this baby. And now I am just heaping pressure onto my family.

My inlaws have said they think I shouldn't be pregnant, and my fil told me 'do you really think this is a good idea?'. His opinion on the subject was never asked. But they have confirmed my suspicions that yes, I am utterly useless.

I just can't cope under the pressure. I feel like I am unravelling again. And I have to plaster a smile onto my face and go and pick up the dc like everything is fine when really I want to curl up into a ball and die.

What is it with mental health? Why does it rob you of yourself? I see a therapist, and a psychiatrist. I take anti-depressants. I just don't know what else to do.

I live in a beautiful victorian house, with a hallway with black and white tiles. Before we moved here, I always wanted to live in a house with tiles like that! But now I hate it. The smell of it makes me sick. It is cold and empty. It is just how I feel.

Mavend Wed 20-Jul-11 14:33:50

Do you have a CPN?are you on meds currently for the depression?

Mavend Wed 20-Jul-11 14:35:09

sorryjust seen you are on anti ds.

z123 Wed 20-Jul-11 14:39:10

I don't really have anything helpful to say, except even if you had a termination, this wouldn't solve everything surely, as this pregnancy has happened, and you may feel worried/guilt over a termination.
Everything doesn't have to fall apart. You are feeding your children, and taking them and friends for treats! You are NOT useless.
Sorry I don't have anything helpful to say apart from it will get better. And I hope you feel better.

Mavend Wed 20-Jul-11 14:40:16

No one ever died through unironed clothes,and pasta pesto isn't a crime.You are 10 weeks in and the early stages you feel totally unmotivated and tired.Thats normal.If you are unravelling PLEASE see your HCPS.Oh and you aren't a crap mother xxx keep talking x

Sarsaparilllla Wed 20-Jul-11 14:44:12

You're not useless at all, I agree with Mavend, nobody died from a lack of ironing and some pesto pasta, it's not bad smile xxx

It's good you're talking about how you feel, I know you've said you've spoken to people before but do you have any appointments booked to speak to some now?

Mavend Wed 20-Jul-11 14:49:03

I have to do the school run ,now Lucky but please vent on here,and if you are in such a bad place please seek help.Will check back later xxTake care

luckywinner Wed 20-Jul-11 14:49:17

Your kindness has made me cry. I just feel so fucking useless and out of control. My dh recently told me (when he thought I was better) about the hideous year he has had, and how he was so worried about me and the pressure he felt. I feel like I have to keep on going so he won't see me falling apart.

My psychiatrist is a complete twat and talks about himself all the time. I am about to change, but can't see a new one until next week. My GP told me I had everything and I shouldn't be depressed as I am not a woman in Africa trying to feed her starving children. I am also trying to change gps too. My dh has arranged for friends to come over for dinner on Friday night and I am incredulous that he thinks I will be up to it. I feel like no one can really see the state I am in. People see me as a coper. I'm not, I am a fall aparter.

I feel like I have let my beautiful dc down. They have a sick mother. I just want to be able to enjoy them.

luckywinner Wed 20-Jul-11 14:58:14

Have wiped my face of all my run mascara, and now also off to do the school run and fake it all. Will be back later from the delight of the soft play area.

Ormirian Wed 20-Jul-11 14:58:54

"I feel like I have let my beautiful dc down. They have a sick mother. I just want to be able to enjoy them."

Bless you sweetheart sad I know that feeling so so well. But you aren't letting them down. They will love and understand. I never stop thanking fate for handing me such resilient, loving, tolerant children. I don't deserve them. But deserve or not, they are mine. And yours will be the same.

I guess there is a chance that when you have settled into pregnancy things will improve. I hope so.

Happydogsaddog Wed 20-Jul-11 15:26:12

lucky I found myself in similar position falling pregnant with ds with 2 dds under 2 but I reasoned it was meant to be. Had terrible HE in first pregnancy which duly returned in third pregnancy, admitted to hosp for three days by 7 weeks. My mind was almost made up for termination as I thought it was unfair on present dc but somehow I came through. I can't say how as I don't really know but something kept me going. Right now I've ds (9mo) tugging at my hair and I can't imagine life without him but I still recall the absolute horror of it all. I remember breaking down days before my due date, wondering how I'll cope.
Also, my family were quietly sceptical especially when at 12weeks there was a question of Downs. My advice would be this is YOUR life not theirs you are changing forever. Variation on pesto is fish pie or pasta bake. smile so much more I want to say but main thing is focus on the immediate future and yourself and what's best for you

luckywinner Wed 20-Jul-11 16:24:54

I am back from the school run. The bloody play centre was full of a party, so we are back here. I am about to make popcorn and play cinemas. Ds's friend is a little bugger a handful and possibly not what I need right now. Dd and her little friend are fine though. Thank god star wars will sort them all out in a mo.

Thank you for all your lovely words. I have completely bawled my eyes out reading this thread. Ormirian isn't it hideous when you have these amazing, beautiful children who I completely adore, and I just can't seem to get it together in my head. I keep thinking when they are older they will recount tales to their friends of their fucked up mother who was quiet and sad. Thank god dh is the complete opposite.

Happydog that must have been the most difficult experience. My first two are 18m apart and it killed me. You sound exactly like me. I cancelled the termination at the 11th hour. I am just so up and down. And my in laws are so judgemental. But you're right, it is my life, but I can't help but feel like they're standing with their arms crossed, tapping their feet waiting to say 'I told you so'. They so like to be right.

I just wonder why I am so hard on myself. I am so unforgiving on myself. I dream of being admitted to hospital. To just be ill for a few days, and have the pressure taken away completely. As I drove to school I came down a hill and thought imagine if I didn't brake. The thing is, I would never ever kill myself. I would never do that to my children. But it doesn't stop me wishing this hideousness would go away. I just don't know how much fight I have in me.

My favourite thing to do is snuggle up on my bed with my dc and watch total wipeout! They love it. And their giggles are so therapeutic. But I know you can't spend your life in that cocoon forever.

Happydogsaddog Wed 20-Jul-11 19:23:35

Yes, yes, yes I imagined being ill, just so someone could tuck me up in bed and feed me chicken soup. When DS was 4 months old I was rushed to hospital and kept in for five days. It was hell to begin with (in so much pain) but once symptons subsided I enjoyed the company of my fellow cellmates patients and read alot. By the time the Drs figured out what was wrong (unlike Holby not in three hours) I was refreshed and ready to go again. Will always believe that was Karma's way of giving me a break. It is so natural for you to feel that way, don't worry at all. Bollocks to your ILs, 1 child or 5 can be stressful so never feel bad, its their business if they want to be judgemental. If you choose to proceed then hold your LO that bit tighter because you wanted them, may be naive of me but sorry. If you're ever in London we'll have to swap notes smile

luckywinner Wed 20-Jul-11 20:02:11

Its not the actual baby, its the pressure, stress, sleep deprivation that comes with it. Somewhere inside I think that this baby might actually be a good thing. Oh, chicken soup. I wish. Dh is out tonight. I feel so sick but I want someone to put something in front of me.

We never made it to the soft play place. Instead I brought all 4 of them back here. They decorated biscuits and had a lovely time. Dd and her friend were so sweet. Ds was so sweet. Ds's friend was hideous. I coped. I got through it. I didn't feel irritable, or angry, just very firm. It made me realise I can cope with the little things. I am just so overwhelmed by everything.

Actually, I am a londoner, north west. smile How about you?

midnightservant Thu 21-Jul-11 23:11:42

Tins of beans with sausages, soup, nice bread, ham, cheese... Mine had tea of fish fingers, ham, bread and butter, and cucumber (the only veg they would eat at the time) all one summer...

Damp-eyed at this thread.
ps I know you weren't asking me, but south londoner who has long since moved to the North East.

mamster Thu 21-Jul-11 23:44:36

I really feel for you. I wanted a third but I couldn't cope with the 2 I had and am too old and too tired to have another. But I still love cuddling others babies! Babies are hard work but they are lovely. You will love the new baby when it comes and it will bring you joy. Try to get some help in your life. Can you pay someone to do the washing and ironing, even if just for a while. Follow all the usual advice - time for yourself, time spent with friends, relaxation etc.

luckywinner Fri 22-Jul-11 18:08:09

Midnightservant I feel like Homer Simpson, ummmmm beans and sausages. That's what morning sickness does to you. Thank you for your tips. I love hearing what people do just to get through it. It makes me feel human. I feel so touched that people take time to reply to me when I am in such a desperate state. It really means so much. I would like to gather you all and make you my real life friends as I sometimes think they really don't get it. What made you move North East? My dad is from North East. But I have spent hardly any time there, except for the inside of St James' Park.

Mamster, thank you , you are right. I will love this baby. I feel older and wiser since having my last two. But I feel in such a precarious place that I just don't know how to trust that I will get back to myself.

natsyloo Fri 22-Jul-11 21:21:49

Hello LW, nice to be back in touch though am sorry you're feeling rubbish. What can I say, mental illness is a b*gger, it's tenacious and persistent..just when you think you've got it sorted it can come back to bite you on the bottom.

You might be a poorly mum but you're a bl**dy good mum. Someone who cares an awful lot, wants the best for her little ones and stays focused on that even in the midst of debilitating illness. Never forget that .You've come back from this before and it will happen again. PND has been the steepest gradient, the most impassable pathway at times and the darkest of all hours for me. Only those with direct experience can relate to the horror of it. Despite this, I think it shapes us, gives us stronger roots and a much deeper appreciation of ourselves and our dear children. Thinking of you xx

midnightservant Sat 23-Jul-11 09:40:53

Hi lucky am from Thornton Heath near Croydon - with which I have a love/hate relationship. Came to the NE to uni many many years ago and loved it, wide open spaces, moorland, fields, people are nice (not that they aren't down south), "found" myself here and escaped from problematic earlier life. Though now have different sort of problematic life!

There's no denying it though - it's colder up here smile

natsyloo Mon 01-Aug-11 22:24:12

Just checking in LW - how are you feeling?

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