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Really do just want to die/go away

(19 Posts)
Nihilisticbunny Fri 15-Jul-11 23:44:24

This is not a suicide thread, I am not at the point of offing myself btw. But I don't really feel depressed as such atm, but still feel that my children would be better off without me. I am such a self absorbed idiot, my life has deteriorated about 100% since my Mum died in 2007, I have been drinking loads and I just can't really cope with life in general.

I can't make myself do things, my dp picks up the slack. I'm just so sad, sad that my children live in a crap hole and sad that I allow it and can't make myself do anything about it.

I just want to cease to exist.

poppettuk Fri 15-Jul-11 23:47:51

So sorry to read ur post. I'm sure ur dp & kids understand, awful thing to lose ur mum. It happened to my friend last yr & pain still v deep for her. Have u tried talkin to anyone?

TheFarSide Fri 15-Jul-11 23:48:49

Antidepressants + counselling = a way out

You can do it

HuwEdwards Fri 15-Jul-11 23:51:15

You are ill, please see your GP, it's what they're there for

Nihilisticbunny Sat 16-Jul-11 00:00:09

I know I should see my Gp but all they will do is send me out with a prescription, which leaves me with more side effects than actual effects. Counselling is a long wait, I'm not good at talking anyway.

I am just so sick of being me, I hate me, I'm a fucking wanker, I'm fucking my kids up, my relationship with dp is bollocks. I just want to not fucking exist.

poppettuk Sat 16-Jul-11 00:04:06

Have u got a gud friend u can have a talk/cry with?? U need to think bout how much ur kids need u & get help wit drinking coz that will jst make u feel much worse sad

thermosflask Sat 16-Jul-11 00:05:56

Counselling need not be a long wait. Do you have a Womens Centre near you? They offer counselling and if you can't afford to pay they'll still see you. Please give them a call, you don't need to feel like this, there is help out there but you do need to seek it out.

TheFarSide Sat 16-Jul-11 00:09:27

While you wait for counselling, stop making negative statements about yourself as they will become a self-fulfilling prophesy. Instead, practise saying things like "I'm doing all right" - you will feel like a prat at first but it can help break the downward spiral.

Other things that have helped me in the past: exercise, self-help books, writing my thoughts in a diary.

Is it worth trying St John's Wort?

TheFarSide Sat 16-Jul-11 00:09:50

The Samaritans are always available too.

Nihilisticbunny Sat 16-Jul-11 00:14:30

I don't have any friends if I am honest, wouldn't want to take money away from the Woman's centre tbh, think they are they are there for the abused, plus they fobbed me off when I called them anyway.

bbbbob Sat 16-Jul-11 00:22:41

But you do exist. You are here, and I bet your children adore you. Why do you think you're fucking them up?
The Samaritans are very good, they have listened to me for many a hour.
Go to your Doctor, what do you have against getting a prescription?
I'm sad you don't think you have any friends, we will listen on here, if you can't talk then type it all out - exactly how you are feeling.
A good piece of advie I was given was that you can be sure however you are feeling you can bet someone else has felt like that too.

poppettuk Sat 16-Jul-11 00:25:51

Yeah we'll listen!! Let it all out. Make u feel much better

thermosflask Sat 16-Jul-11 00:27:22

You seem to be opposing all suggestions made to you. Even if you don't want to get better for yourself, what about your DC's? You need to get better, if only for their sake, they need you.

Please reconsider calling your GP, try the womens centre again, the samaritans, try and open up to someone you know even if they are not a close friend, most people are sympathetic and want to help a person in trouble.

TantePiste Sat 16-Jul-11 00:53:43

you really appear to me to be expressing symptoms ofmajor depression, which affects your thought patterns in a way that boxes you in to a small circle of hopelessness and fatalism. But that perception is not the reality, no matter that you cannot see beyond it now. I was in your shoes once and want to encourage you to reach out. it feels like it will be useless but that is.not.true. you do not know that for a fact because nobody can tell the future. that is the depression talking. there is NO way your dcs would be better off without you. on the contrary the loss of you would burden their lives forever, whereas if you just reach out, just ask and allow that you don't know everything ahead of time (and you do not, no matter the nihilistic voice which is incorrect - it is false, hear me?). reach out. that is all you need to come up with. there are many, many people who will appreciate your struggle.

NanaNina Sat 16-Jul-11 13:16:59

Brilliant post Tante - you are so right. Look Nbunny - I took think you are suffering from depression and it is a deceitful illness. You say you don't feel depressed but are describing some of the major symptoms, feeling worthless, not wanting to exist and your children and partner being better off without you. I have felt all these things on and off for the past year. Suffered a major depression last Easter (3 months on psych ward) and still not fully recovered, I get frequent blips and think all of the things you are saying. I just have to remember that thoughts are not facts and it is the depression talking to us. I think mental illness is so much worse than anything physical. I have done some CBT with my CPN and it helps a bit, especially with coping with spiralling negative thoughts. You could buy a book off Amazon on CBT (under a tenner) and have a look to see if any of it can be of help to you.

It sounds to me like your grief over the loss of your mum is "stuck" in the sense that you have not been able to travel through the bereavement process - I say travel because it is like a journey. You desperately need help with this, so that you can get to the point where your grief (which probably will never go away) is more manageable and does not take over yur life. Depression is almost always about loss.

You are self medicating with alcohol at the moment and that gives you more problems as alcohol is a depressant.

Sorry I can't be of any real help but do keep posting - lots of us have been where you are. My first major depression was in 1995 when I was in psych hospital for 3 months, following the loss (at age 45) of my dearest and closest friend, and I still think about her every day.

RoseWei Sat 16-Jul-11 23:18:56

One thing is certain. Your kids would not be better off without you - they would be devastated and the effects would, as others have said, last forever.

Take one step at a time - take small steps - but take steps.

You owe it to your kids and to yourself as well as your mum.

See your GP. Ask the receptionists - or look up on the surgery website if there is one - who is interested in mental health. Always good to talk to a GP with a real interest in the issues - they often have good contacts.

Ask to be referred to counselling or mental health worker. They don't judge - they work with you to get things on track and better for you and your kids.

Give yourself and your kids a treat from time to time. Meal out? Day away? Night in with TV/DVD and take away or special meal?

What's the issue with your dp? Does he live with you. So bad it needs dealing with?

Keep posting here - you have friends here. Take care xx

Nihilisticbunny Fri 22-Jul-11 23:32:54

Thank you all for your advice the other night, it did give me the push I needed to see the gp, he was lovely and gave me citalopram and referred me for CBT(I think anyway). I do feel much less hopeless and out of control just acknowledging that I was sinking like a stone, and have some one else see it too.

God knows how long the counselling will take to come through, but I feel much better after talking to the Gp, sometimes I think half the battle is just being listened to and taken an interest in, makes you feel half human, rather than locked in your own head.

Early days, but thankyou for replying to my drunken self pity party blush.

Nihilisticbunny Fri 22-Jul-11 23:42:33

Sorry for your loss nananina, yes I do think I'm a bit stuck in grief tbh. It was all very quick, feeling ill (well admitting it anyway) to terminal diagnosis, to death was about 2 months. After the funeral I came back home and that was that I was Mum again, Dp is loving and caring but not one of lifes communicators.

Obviously that didn't last long and I had a major breakdown, I did recover over time and had another baby, I was actually happy for the 6 months after he was born, but over the last year it has all started bubbling up again.

I do need to talk to a counsellor I think, the only person I had who I could really talk to without mind games and judgement was my Mum sad.

Nihilisticbunny Fri 22-Jul-11 23:49:35

Very eloquent post too Tante, for some bizarre reason my children do seem to adore me, they follow me round like little ducklings <infuriating>, I think I'm fucking them up because I'm inconsistent, if I'm having a good day I'm calm patient fun Mum, on a worst day I'm shouty, ranting, angry Mum sad, that can't be good for children, not knowing which me they are going to be faced with sad.

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