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Struggling

(7 Posts)
Halbwahrheiten Fri 15-Jul-11 14:39:33

I am exhausted.
Days seem to last a lifetime, and merge together in one long, drawn out slog.
At night, I lie in bed, haunted by images and thoughts, praying for sleep. And when sleep does find me, it is never for long. Asleep, I can not escape from the dreams that come.
This is worse than the periods of insomnia I used to go through, when my body would switch to autopilot and my mind to energy saving mode. Sleep beckons and teases me, but in fits and starts it is neither refreshing nor restful.

I can not feel my body anymore, over the ache of tiredness. I don’t feel hunger, or pain, just a constant, dull, heavy nothing. I stopped eating properly weeks ago, and only remember when I feel I am about to faint.
In my mind I run over memories, longing to feel something, anything. I remember that little knot in my stomach, the shaking hands as I look for the carefully hidden blade. The relief when I find it, still where I left it. It feels thin between my fingers, the paper-wrapped metal bends with the slightest pressure.
Careful not to cut my fingers I peel back the paper, only on one side. My hands are steady now.
Quick movements, I know what I have to do.
The blade finds flesh, bites through it. Effortlessly. At first, there is nothing. Then, almost simultaneously, the lines start to appear, oozing bright red life, running down, dripping, while hot, biting pain starts to spread. Relief, I am still alive.
This plays in my head, over and over.

But I haven’t held a blade for years, and to be honest, I don’t think I would trust myself to. Instead, I carry on. Minute by minute, the best I can. But I don't know how long I can do it anymore.

Limy Fri 15-Jul-11 21:32:17

Hi Halbwahrheiten have you been to your doctors? sounds to me that you really need some help here, I don't know what else to say really just wanted you to know that you are not alone in the world and there are people out there who care

Take care x

NanaNina Fri 15-Jul-11 21:56:19

Me too wondering exactly what is going on for you (apart from feeling utterly dreadful) do you have depression or some other mental illness. Are you being treated, getting the help and support you need. Maybe if you tell us a bit more we can be of more help. I'm sure all of this on this thread have a mental illness or have had one in the past, and there is lots of support. Feeling for you anyway cus I know the horrors of depression at first hand.

Halbwahrheiten Sat 16-Jul-11 08:27:23

hi, sorry, I just had to get that out the way it is.. basically I have a longstanding history of depression, anorexia and self-harm, and have been in therapy for about 5 months. After DS2 was born I was diagnosed with PND and am on a starting dose of 20mg Paroxedine now.
I'm currently dealing with the rape and sexual abuse I experienced as a teenager, and all the consequences.
I am not actually having any therapy sessions during the summer holidays, which means for the next six weeks I have a support network in place but obviously won't be working through any more stuff.
just finding things hard at the moment...

Limy Sat 16-Jul-11 09:53:01

Halbwahrheiten you have nothing to apologise for, I know myself that just getting things off your chest can make you feel a little better. I am sure nobody has a problem with your post. I personally just wish I could help you in some way, as you have said you have a support network in place so that is good. I will keep an eye on this thread should you need to get anything else off your chest x

Halbwahrheiten Sat 16-Jul-11 10:53:15

Thank you limy.
My support network basically consists of the mental health team here, my gp, and my therapist is available over the phone and email.. but it's difficult sometimes to get myself to ask for help from the gp or mh team and my therapist can obviously only get back to me when she is not busy..

NanaNina Sat 16-Jul-11 12:56:40

Oh halb - it is small wonder you are struggling with so many issues, and young children too by the sound of it. Are you a single parent. Do you have any support other than the gp, MH team and the therapist, as I know how difficult it can be to contact them because you're not sure if you should, and then when you do they are often not available. It sounds like you should have a named CPN who visits frequently - is this not the case. It's a pity you are not getting therapy during the summer holidays - because as you say you have a whole lot of stuff to work through, and there are no quick fixes as I'm sure you know.

Is your anorexia related to the sexual abuse - this is often the case, as is the self harm, when you feel at least you have control over something in your life. I am sure you and your therapist are aware that anorexia is nothing to do with food and is a mental illness in itself.

Please keep posting and we will support you all we can.....

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