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Too early for PND?

(8 Posts)
charl2503 Sun 10-Jul-11 17:35:40

Just looking for a bit of advice,
I gave birth 4 weeks to my son. I already have a 15month old DD. Since the birth I have bonded really well with DS but I seem to have started resenting DD. She really is the sweetest thing, but I am so aggitated, she does the littlest thing and I find myself shouting at her. She has got so clingy since her brother arrived. If I try to leave a room she hangs on to my leg. She has also starting biting me. My MIL had her overnight last night, and I found that i didnt miss her one bit, and when the time came to pick her up this morning, I was overwhelmed by a feeling of dread.

During the days when my partner is at work, I really struggle to cope with the two of them. I dont get a moment to myself. If DS cries then so does DD and i find them impossible to deal with. I often end up crying and having to walk out of the room, which makes me feel terrible.

DS is really unsettled and usually cries from 7am-11am most days. I can't work out what he wants and I feel useless.

DP isnt much of a support at the moment. Infact, last weekend he disappeared for the whole weekend (he was ridiculously drunk) and left me on my own with both the children. He wouldnt answer my phone calls even when i left him messages crying, saying i couldnt cope. He left me with no money, and he drained our joint account. I had to call my father to borrow some money for formula for DS. Even when he is here, he nags me about the state of the house (he likes it immaculate, but seems to forget that we have a toddler and a newborn and I can't spend all day everyday tidying and cleaning). He was nagging me to tidy up DD's toys an hour after i came home from hospital after having DS! When he is here, he is brilliant with DD and its so nice to see them bond because he didnt pay her much attention before DS arrived. He doesn't do anything for DS though. He has never changed his nappy and I have done every single night feed since he was born.

On top of all this, I seem to have started HATING the way I look. I'm not huge. I'm a size 16, but before having DD I was a size 12. I am covered in stretch marks. I am desperate to lose weight but as it stands, I don't have the time (or energy) to go to the gym. I couldnt possible leave both children with DP for an hour because he wouldnt cope. My MIL is a full time carer for her very sick father and my mum lives 45mins away. So basically, I have ZERO time. I wont let DP see me in anything less than my PJs.

I am 20 years old. I have lost touch with most of my school friends because they have all gone away to uni but I fell pregnant with DD during my last year in sixth form. The only friends i have are my partners friends, with whom i have very little in common.

Basically, I am struggling to cope with all the responsibilty aswell as keeping DP happy. I feel very anxious and don't like seeing people I know. Myself and DP were invited out with our group of friends last night and an hour before we were supposed to leave, I broke down crying because I didnt want to see anyone. I am wondering if this could all be the start of PND or is this normal "baby Blues"?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I feel so alone and cant carry on this way. Sorry for such a long post.

Hassled Sun 10-Jul-11 17:45:20

You poor thing. I don't know if you have PND or not (worth talking to the GP, though) but your biggest problem seems to be your fuckwit of a DP. He needs to take some responsibility - your MIL may not be able to give practical help, but could she tell your DP to sort himself out if you confide in her?

In the meantime, fuck keeping your DP happy. If the house is a tip - so what? If you're a bit overweight - so what? Just getting to the end of the day is enough of an achievement at this stage. Your reaction to your DD is juist because you're so overwhelmed and tired - it will sort itself out. Just don't let her pick up on how you're feeling or she'll become more demanding. It will get easier.

You could have been me 20 years ago - young and knackered and no confidence and stressed beyond belief, with a useless, immature partner. You have all my sympathy.

madmouse Sun 10-Jul-11 19:33:29

I can't tell whether it's PND either - but it isn't too early for it.

I must say your dp is a massive part of the problem. I won't shout 'leave him' but it is time that you stop keeping him happy. Nagging you to tidy the toys an hour after coming back home is not on - he should have been making you tea and sarnies.

Next time he nags you to do something tell him that you are not doing it right now (without apology or explanation) and invite him to do it himself if the state of the house bothers him.

No longer pandering to his needs will hopefully take a bit of strain off you.

Oh and open a bank account for yourself and get as a bare minimum child benefit and tax credits into it.

NanaNina Tue 12-Jul-11 21:20:09

Oh Charl you poor love and only 20 years old.....it is small wonder that you are struggling. Your hormones will be all over the place after giving birth just a month ago. Most babies cry for a period between feeds and your little boy has his cry time at 7 - 11 in the morning - it may be infant colic, or he may not know himself.

As for your little girl, you do still love her like you used to, it's just that having a new baby has tipped you over in terms of your responsibilities, and you are feeling very low. As someone else said, your DD is probably picking up on this and is becoming more clingy which will put more pressure on you and you will be in a viscous circle. Her biting is probably because she is distressed by having to share you with the new baby, who probably takes up a lot of your time. 2 little ones under 2 would try the patience of the most experienced mother with good support, and here you are trying to cope with very little support.

I spent last weekend with my friend and her daughter who has a 6 week old and a 2 year old, and everytime the baby cried, the 2 yr old screamed and had a tantrum in response, just like what is happening with your two. Luckily we were there to help. My friend's daughter has an H like yours - he was out the whole weekend doing god knows what and has never been any help with the children. In fact the 2 yr old doesn't want to go to him, cus she sees so little of him. My friend is trying to get her daughter to leave this no good bloke but it's very difficult with 2 children isn't it.

Your DD knows the baby is going to get attention if he cries, so she sets up too, in the hope that she gets your attention too - I am not surprised you end up crying yourself.

Your P (can't call him DP) I'm afraid is being an utter pratt and it sounds like he is very emotionally immature and has not the slightest idea what it is like to have 2 small children under 2 at such a young age. SO because he is stressed he goes off and gets pissed - really really bad behaviour. I think you are going to have to be more assertive, or as someone has said ask his mother to tell him how unfair he is being. Mind it doesn't sound like he is going to "grow up" and accept his responsibilities any time soon. Draining the account is just not on and you need to lay down the law about this to him. Would your parents be prepared to tell him this isn't on and you need his support.

Will your own mom offer help, as 45 mins away isn't very long is it.

I'm not sure about PND - you need to talk to your GP about that or your HV if she is a good one (not all of them are) but it sounds like you have enough on your plate to feel stressed in any event. Your HV may be able to put you in touch with Homestart (experienced mothers helping young mums for a few hours a week) - so worth asking about it.

Many years ago I was a mother of 3 under 5s with a pratt of an H who was almost always drunk and I too was young but I did have the support of my parents, and often had to go to my dad for money. I did finally leave him and it was a hard struggle for many years, living on benefits and in a private rented hourse which was horrible, but at least I didn't have to cope with his behaviour. That was all over 40 years ago, but I still remember it. Life got better - the kids grew up - I trained to be a social worker and enjoyed a fulfilling career and met a man who loved me and the kids. We now have lovely grandchildren.

I am only telling you this because you won't believe it now, but there will be brighter times ahead, even if it takes a few years. Get yourself on the pill so there are no more children, and get assertive with that bloke of yours.

Sending you lots of good wishes

NanaNina Tue 12-Jul-11 21:22:10

Me again - yes, stop trying to please your H, and stop worrying about the way you look. You have years to sort yourself out and you will be a size 12 again - I think that's the least of your worries to be honest.

NanaNina Wed 13-Jul-11 11:07:42

How are you today Charl - been thinking of you - you need to get through the day hour by hour, or sometimes even minute by minute - does you DD have a daytime nap - if so hope it co-incides with the baby's nap, and then you need to get under the duvet for an hour if possible. Sod the tidy house - if your H feels so strongly, then he can tidy up can't he.

Take care and sending you good wishes

charl2503 Thu 14-Jul-11 19:17:57

Hi, thanks for your replies.
Me and DP have had a long talk and he knows he needs to change his ways and grow up. Whether he will, I don't know, but he knows hes on his last warning.
My mum has enough on her plate at the moment - my stepdad is an alchoholic and they are currently facing bankruptcy due to his irresponsibilty. I really don't want to go worrying her with my problems which seem trivial compared to hers.
Dp's mum thinks the sun shines out of DPs arse so shes not much use on that front.
On the plus side, ive enrolled my little girl in nursery 2 afternoons a week to get her used to being around other children, while giving me a break at the same time. I took her to the beach today, just the two of us and she loved it. Hasnt stopped smiling all day. Think ive missed her just as much as she has been missing me.
Health visitor is coming next week so think i may mention to her how ive been feeling lately and see what she thinks.

NanaNina Fri 15-Jul-11 15:39:13

So glad things seem to be settling a little Charl, and of course the more attention you give your little girl, the more responsive she will be and that is the reward that mothers need. She has had ner nose pushed out of joint a bit and you are doing the right thing to give her more of your time, and the nursery is a good idea too.

Sorry there is no family support, but glad your P is at least aware of the need for change - so let's hope he is able to be more help to you.

Things will get better as the children get older and less dependant. Keep on any on yourself though in case PND is lurking around, as ADs are I'm told very effective. Yes another good idea to talk to the HV - don't hold back - you won't be telling her she hasn't heard a hundred times before (well dependent on her age of course!) Ask if there is anything that in your area that could be a support to you and the children.

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