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Need to get this out of my head before I explode, I am hanging on by a thread!(9 Posts)
I know on the grand scheme of things this isn't too bad, but my god these last couple of weeks have been hard, physically and mentally for me and I am hanging on by a thread right now.
I have been in counseling and CBT (for extreme anxiety problems, OCD, PND, and depression) for a few months now and am making progress. I actually felt good (ish) and on the right track WRT my mental health just recently. Not fully better but can see that light at the end of the tunnel.
These last couple of week the DD's have been HARD work, I actually felt like I am not cut out to be a mum and the horrid feelings of inadequacy and suicide and come back really strong. I am actively doing CBT though so I did expect to be a bit 'out of sorts' for a while IYSWIM.
I cannot coope with the DD's right now , I am in pain in practically every single joint in my body (except for my right ankle as I has some acupuncture and it seems to have worked for me)
We have a community centre across the road from us (only one side of street is houses) we have been having problems with the person who runs it and some of the people who use it and I am upset and to be frank pissed off over it right now. They have an all weather football pitch with approx 20 foot high fences and the balls keeps coming over the fence, over the boundary of the centre over the road and hitting my front room window. He thinks there is nothing he can do and expects us to put up and shut up as it is football!! (those were his own words)
This lot topped with yesterday I receive a phone call from the hospital cardiology dept, telling me they need to bring my appointment forward as a matter of urgency due to results from tests I have had recently. I have had a lung function test, echo cardiogram, electro cardiograph, various bloods for PVC's (ectopic heartbeats).
I asked the receptionist if she could give me any more info and she couldn't. Now the normal person in me knows if it was something really serious they would have asked me to come in yesterday and not to wait till Monday. But now I am so worried. I was born with a enlarged heart and leaking mitral valve and have had regular monitoring all my life and have NEVER had problems apart from when PG with DD2. I am so scared
Then I get a phonecall from my father in law (well step father in law) who can be a twat at the best of times, although we seem to be getting on okay at the mo. He was trying to arrange stuff (my life basically) for me next week. I hadn't asked him to, or want him to TBH. So I just said that I had everything I need to do under control and he told me to fuck off and put the phone down on me. I have spoken to MIL about DD1's sports day next week as MIL wanted to come.
DH was home and by this time I was almost in tears (kids, hospital, pain etc) and told him it's not fair that I souldn't have to be spoken to like that. He said he knew and rang and spoke to MIL who was dealing with FIL, but (I know this is going to sound pathetic) DH was very short with me and said, FGS I really don't need this crap right now. I am sure he meant from his step-dad but I thought me meant me and I took it wrong. I didn't say anything to him just went and sobbed in the bathroom.
I know that there are others out there who are dealing with worse, and really I should just deal with it,but I feel fragile right now and one more thing might just tip me over the edge and I am scared, hurt, upset, worried.
The things that hurts most is my poor kids are probably picking up on my feelings right now so that is what is making them act out and misbehave, coupled with the fact that they are 3.8 years and almost 2 years old, they are going to act out it is their age isn't it. I don't deserve my DD's they are such wonderful little girls. They need a mummy who can cope. I cannot.
And now MIL & FIL are on their way round. I do not want to be round him he will be awful I know it. Not letting him push me out in my own home though!
Feel a bit sick and anxious with it all now
You do not need to let them in. You can tell them that you are not ready to talk about things and you will be in touch. Take some control!
Oh and you are able to be a mother even though it doesn't feel like it. Do what you can and it will be enough.
I was diagnosed wth PTSD when ds was 1.2 and now he is 3.5 and he is totally fine despite me having been in a bad way for much of those two years. He's a sunny, stable, happy and strong little person.
Realise you see yourself in a negative light...
If only I had the balls to do that. MIL is fab, I love her to bits, but FIL is awful.
Hopefully they wont be here very long.
I hope you got through the visit ok. I just wanted to say that your kids don't need a mother 'who can cope' they need a mother who loves them and it is so apparent from all of your post that they have that. OK so they are being difficult atm; like you say, it's their age, and they are probably picking up on the emotions running high. But they will be ok. They won't likely even remember any of the detail from this time in their lives when they're older, but they'll still be secure because they have parents who love them.
Can't say much about the football; do you have a community support officer (attached to the council or police) who could step in on your behalf? It kind of depends whether you have the energy to fight it or whether you need to put it on the back burner for a bit.
Thinking of you
The visit was okay TBH, he acted as if nothing had happened or been said
I feel quite stressed but feel a calmness with it (sounds odd doesn't it) I haven't had much sleep for the last few nights as I cant quite switch my brain off!!
I have tried really hard to be more patient with my wonderful DD's and they seem a lot happier and less whiny.
I have my hospital appointment today and am really worried, but trying to convince myself that if it was really important/serious then they would have asked me to come in on Friday and not wait the weekend.
My nana is getting worse now, she has diabetes and the beginnings of Alzheimer's and dementia. She keeps forgetting to eat which is affecting her diabetes. She almost slipped into a diabetic coma on Saturday, mum and dad had to get an ambulance to her. I wish we had the space here for her to come and live with us. it would be perfect as our bathroom is downstairs so she wouldn't have to manage the stairs. We only have a living room, kitchen and bathroom downstairs though. If only we had another living room we could have turned over to a bedroom and living area for her.
Thank you for replying and listening to me have a whinge.
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