I hit myself.

[timeforbedsleepyhead]

Whenever I get angry I hit myself, it can be over the smallest thing like stubbing my toe on a door or dropping a spoon. This rage just takes over me and a punch my legs, stomach and head. I have never hit anyone else and have never had the urge to do so. I would never ever ever hit my dd but I can't go to see anyone about this incase they think I do and take her away.

I don't know why I do it, the rest of the time I'm very level headed and responsible. I'm very happy with my life. I just can't control my anger towards myself.

Does anyone else have experience of this or any advice? Thanks

[ilovepesto]

Hi Op, sorry I don't have any personal experience, but I think it's a form of self harm. Do you feel a great release following an incident? I suspect you do. I think it's ok to tell someone, even if it's a good friend. Self harm has absolutely nothing to do with a child being at risk. The only risk is to yourself. I think if you went to your GP he would likely refer you for some kind of talking therapy, which will defnitely help. How about googling 'self harm' and see if you can find out more about it. I hope you're ok. Please don't avoid services because you're frightened your child will be taking. I think it will take a lot more than mental health problems for SS to get involved. Please don't struggle on your own. It's really good that you've posted on here. I'm sure someone will come along soon and give some good advice.

[timeforbedsleepyhead]

When I do it the anger is instantly gone and I feel calm again so yes I do get a release from it.
I know I should tell someone in rl but I can't work up the courage yet, I'm too scared of the repercussions.

[ilovepesto]

I understand why you're scared and I think it's good to be cautious. Have you spoken to anyone? Have you thought about other 'safe' things you could do to release some of your anxiety. I'll do a google for you and see what I can come up with.

[ilovepesto]

This looks a really good one.

buslist.org/injury.html

[timeforbedsleepyhead]

Thank you ilovepesto, I'm actually in tears now because you're being so nice to me! I'm going to read your link now.

[ilovepesto]

Ahw, please don't get upset. You're probably relieved that you've got it off your chest. Have a look at the website, it looks really informative. You're taking some first steps. It's all good.

[manicmummyonadietcokebreak]

No advise, but have personal experience, sadly. I feel totally stuplid after. But I have a few issues with self harm. I punch tops of legs and the worse, I once hit my arm and I happened to have a action figure in my hand. The marks were awful and very hard to explain to people! I can't help with advice but, you not alone x I do feel its my coping mechanism, I wish I could fine something practical to replace it, I have spoke to doc, just gave me tablets! I feel my 3 year old has more self control than me :(
You won't get any repercussions, I had the same fear, a few mnths ago when I had a Crisis mental health team, but I confessed ALOT, and I was assured via mumsnet, they don't split family unless really nesasery. And Found this to be true in my case x

[timeforbedsleepyhead]

Thank you manicmummy. I know what you mean about explaining the marks to people, I'm sure people think my poor dh is hitting me. He just thinks I'm very clumsy and bruise easily.
How did you get referred to the crisis team?

[manicmummyonadietcokebreak]

Through the gp, as was suicidal. They wasn't that helpful I'm afraid, in fact, made me feel worse. But that was just my personal experience, can u not talk to your DH? My ex p was very supportive, and I didn't think he would. But a gp will help, it might mean seeing a few different ones, I got some very unhelpful comments from gp's over the years, eg, sit on your hands when your feeling bad to , stop being a drama queen! From a rather lovely gp who also called me fat 3 weeks after having dc2! but the thing is not to take them to heart, very hard I know, aspesh is you already in a fragil state of mind :( but there are some fantastic doctors out there who will support you and NO doctor is going to separate you from your family or section you over this. And ilovepestio is right, you have taken the first step :) and as a rather nice mumsnetter said to me, BABY STEPS! And this is what I think of when I have a bad thought or day, baby steps, they are small steps in the right direction, but, if you do take a step backwoods, your not so far back that the finish line is out of sight! :). But, I see my 'issues' as something I have to live with, there is no magic pill (although for my diazepam comes very close, lol) and it maybe something you have to live/cope with, but it's nothing to be ashamed off. You hit yourself where as some people harm and bully others to make themselves feel better, I know which I'd rather be!

[madmouse]

Every professional worth their salt knows the difference between self harm and harming others, and that self-harmers are often very bad at harming others or even getting mad with them, hence the pent up pain finding a way out in self-harm.

So don't be afraid to get help. I hurt myself with my nails when I get distressed or have flashbacks. It doesn't make myself a worse mummy to ds. I would never hurt him.

[Mitmoo]

Its really very very common, honestly, any gp you talk to would have seen it all before, it's not a shocker truly. It's a form of self harm and lots of people do it. My son bites himself but his favourite is hitting himself on the head, its frustration and a way to release.

I would get it checked out as there is probably some underlying issue, when my son's anxiety is high his self harming increased, low anxiety and it is less.

I just want you to be assured that your GP wont be shocked and will hopefully be able to refer you to probably some talking therapies who can help.

[timeforbedsleepyhead]

Thank you all for your posts. Just writing about it on here seems to have helped a bit!

[Mitmoo]

Seriously you are way far off being alone or even being in a position to shock anyone. My son has OCD ASD and anxiety, when he got really very ill with the OCD, it helped so much when someone said to us "whatever he has, whatever it is we've seen it and we can help".

When we talked about it, it relieved the anxiety and that helped the self harming. I hope that you get some of that from the lovely posters who have contributed to this thread.

I didn't know what was wrong with him other than he couldn't function at all finding people who understood helped both of us so much.

I truly hope that you realise if you do talk to people what seems enormous to you and it is, Im not trivialising it, but it is something that 1000s on 1000s have and there is help out there. Good luck.