'mild' PND and moving on - self-indulgent post

[Deliaskis]

Hi there,

I feel a bit about posting this because I know there are people out there with bigger problems than me, but I really am in need of some support/guidance as to where to go from here and I know so many people will probably have been in a similar position. If the response is a big kick up the backside then I will try and take it with grace.

I was 'diagnosed' with PND when DD was 4 weeks old (now 20 weeks), by a rubbish GP, it was a case of fill in the Edinburgh scale, I see you scored highly, you have PND, here is a prescription. I was in a bad way then, not bonding, a state of constant anxiety, etc. I never collected the prescription, for two reasons, partly because I felt it was early and I wanted to see how things panned out (i.e. how much of it was still coming to terms with the enormous shock of becoming a Mum), and partly because I scared myself a bit reading about the meds online (stoopid icon).

Things did improve a lot, and by 19 weeks I could say I had had about 3 weeks of really mainly good days.

The last week I've taken a bit of a nosedive.

The thing is, I don't know how much I am just wallowing for no purpose. I still feel guilty for giving up BF after a very stressful first week of DD refusing to feed and losing 18% of her body weight (thrived as soon as she had a bottle). DD then at 7 weeks started to suffer from silent reflux (not the pukey kind, the screaming acid burning kind), which she is now on meds for, but which has prompted me (on advice of Drs) to try solids at 20 weeks, and to be honest, she is so much happier, but I again feel guilty about it. But I think I make myself worse by coming on here reading about how much better breast milk is than formula, and the 'dangers of early weaning'. She's also ended up (without being forced) in a very Gina Ford style routine, in her cot in her own room, and so now I can beat myself up for not being a sling-wearing co-sleeping BF on demand Mum, as apparently it would all be so much better for DD. Those Mums just seem so superior to me, who is doing it all wrong.

I really wonder whether I am to blame for me feeling like this, am I just being self-indulgent and wallowing out of self-pity/loathing or something? At what point, and more importantly how, do I just say, enough is enough, BF is over, let it go, you've started solids now, and she's better, so move on. How do I make myself do this?

I should add my DH is wonderful and very supportive, and I have plenty of friends/family/help close by so I'm lucky in so many ways.

I start back to work in 6 weeks and in some ways I think it will be good for me, as I think it might help me stop stressing the small stuff, but in other ways I'm sad that I will miss out on being with my DD, and that I feel like I have made such a hash of the 6 months I have had.

I'm sorry for this post, I don't know where else to ask this stuff.

D

[Deliaskis]

Sorry have re-read and realised how waffley that post is, I guess the crux of it is this...do I have to 'decide' to get better, or just wait to (with or without the meds), or is it a bit of both?

[Ruthselina]

Hi Delia - you really are beating yourself up about these perceived 'failures'. If you are uncomfortable taking the meds, can you be referred to counselling (either through your GP or local Sure Start Centre)? It already seems that you know that you have to accept the past and draw a line under it and move on, although that isn't always easy to do. That's where some sort of talking therapy might help. Having a third party to talk to is different from speaking with friends and family. They shoudl be able to help you process your emotions (whereas our nearest and dearest often are shoulders to cry on).
I must confess that I've been on anti-D meds for a week having struggled with PND for the past 3 months. My DS is 7 months old next week and I go back to work in Sept. The meds have already helped me and I am now looking forward to the rest of the time I have left on mat leave (inc a summer with my DD at home too - she's 5).

[thingamajig]

Oh Delia, you are obviously feeling really crap at the moment. You sound absolutely classically depressed. The guilt is a big part of being depressed. You are doing really well, coping with a difficult baby. When you are down the bad things matter very much, and the good things don't seem to matter at all. So you are looking at feeding etc through the eyes of a depressed person.

You are not wallowing, or self indulgent, you feel you are because you are depressed. You should make another doctors appointment with a different GP. If you say what you have here then they should understand. You cannot just decide to get better, I think you need help and the best way may include ADs, which can lift you enough to benefit from talking therapy, CBT etc.

People make out that there are perfect ways of doing child rearing, but as long as it is good enough to get through, who cares? It is hard to believe this when you are in the middle of it, and every magazine article, friend with a similar age baby etc brings something new to be guilty about, but really it is a tiny part of their lives. I worried horribly about the weaning jungle, but now I barely remember what I did and when, and dd is fine. She is three, I have 20 week old twins, and a combination of being a second time mum and not being depressed makes it so much easier and less worrying.

If reading stuff on here makes you feel guilty, don't do it. Hide "breast and bottle feeding". What you are doing is what millions of other mothers do - it can't possibly be that bad can it? You sound like you respond to your daughters needs regarding feeding, sleeping etc - much better for her than pushing her into routines with which she is not happy, even if they are trendy. That is what a really good mother does. Congratulations.
(I know you won't believe this because you are depressed)

[Deliaskis]

Thanks for replies ladies, I am a bit in my own head at the moment, but am mulling over what you have said. I think there is a lot of sense in it!

D