anxiety has taken over, can't cope with life right now

[kaylasmum]

hi, i've suffered from anxiety and depression for many years now. I've had cbt and am on citalopram 40mg. I have health anxiety and its ruining my life.

I've been to the drs 3 times in the last 2 and a half weeks and had 2 phone consultations too. I've been having diahorreah lots and i'm worried sick. I feel that the drs dismisss my health fears because of my anxiety. I'm losing weight cos i can't eat. Day to day life is an ordeal. I feel like i'm going insane.

I've been referred back for cbt. I just need someone to talk to, i can't really speak to my dp cos he does'nt understand and he's getting annoyed with me. He said to me the other day "are you going to keep going to the drs until they tell you that you do have cancer" i found that very hurtful. I feel so alone.

[madmouse]

Sorry you feel this bad - anxiety sucks

I can see where your partner comes from with his comment - he's feeling helpless and frustrated that he can't fix you and from his point of view there's 'nothing wrong'.

It's quite obvious from where I'm sitting that the diarrhoea is due to you being so stressed - I get it too, if I fret about one of my loved ones I run to the loo. It's annoying and harmless.

You're losing weight because you are not eating and you are not eating because of anxiety. Again it is annoying but harmless.

You need to take some little steps to help yourself until you get more cbt (did it actually help the first time or was it not very good?)

When your anxiety gets the better of you you must do something to distract yourself - something active preferably and if at all possible in company.

Remind yourself that anxiety is thoughts running away with you - latching on to whatever happens to be around that you can worry about. You being anxious does not at all mean that something is wrong.

What do you think is wrong with you healthwise? Anything specific that you feel the doctor should not dimiss?

[kaylasmum]

hi madhouse, thanks for the prompt reply.

I have convinced myself that i have anal cancer due to a tiny lump that i can feel under the skin next to my anus (sorry, tmi) i've been examined twice but i'm still terrified as its been 4 weeks now. The drs say its a thrombosed pile. Thefact that i've had diahorreah/loose stools is just compounding this fear.

I do understand that it must be frustrating for my dp but i don't feel he supports me enough.

The last time i had cbt it worked very well and for a year and a half i was doing so well. I don't know why i'm so bad just now but i'm totally miserable. Its so bad that i don't want to leave the house. I've been in my bed since 6 o'clock yesterday. I have 2 young kids aged 7 and 4 and i'm struggling to cope with them.

[kaylasmum]

anyone else with health anxiety who could give me some tips?

[madmouse]

well it sounds lot like piles doesn't it? The doctor has examined you so has obviously not dismissed you based on your anxiety. A GP is trained to spot suspicious lumps.

Sorry I'm obviously not telling you what you want to hear but I find that a bit of rationalising things does help keep things in perspective.

I also suggest that whether you feel like it or not you go and have a shower right now. Don't make massive plans for the day just have a shower

[kaylasmum]

thanks again,

You're right, i know that, but i've never been this bad before. I don't like being out of the house right now. I feel like home is safe. I feel like i'm in a downwards spiral and have no control over it.

Rationally i know the drs are right but there's that little voice continually saying to me "but what if they're wrong".

Three gps have told me outright that i don't have anal cancer, why is that not enough for me. I really need someone to talk to ight now.

[kaylasmum]

anyone else know what i'm going through? Sorry to be so pathetic.

[cityhobgoblin]

Hi kaylasmum , I used to have health anxiety & of course you're not pathetic. It might be a symptom of other anxiety -provoking things in your lie , or partly fuelled by stress hormones flooding your body due to a temporary , minor physical condition eg I always found that a tummy bug used to make me more sensitive physically to anxiety symptoms & I could have panic attacks for weeks / months afterwards . Hormone fluctuations can also be difficult , obviously.

Please don't be annoed with yourself - you sound in a bad way atm , probably largely because you have so much to cope with & feel unsupported.

Madmouse 's advice is excellent & it seems pretty reasonable to me , what your GP has said so far . What you need to find out now is how long this symptom continues unchanged without being further checked out , especiallt if the diarrhoea continues , although not likely to be related .If you feel stressed by looking on health sites ( reputable ones , of course ) I'll have a look in a minute to see if I can find any useful info. You are totally reasonable to want to know more about this symptom - might be an idea to write down what the GPs have said about( "I've seen dozens of hese oin my time , all just like yours, & none turned out to be malignant ") it so you can keep track of what happened , when.

Hang in there - few people who haven't had this anxiety realise that you just can't talk yourself out of it . You sound very sensible anyway ( sorry to be patronising ). Think you may need to ask for further help in any case .
I'll think about tips for you but hope someone elsssse comes up with useful ones < racks brain >

[kaylasmum]

hi cityhobgoblin, thanks for posting,

I'm really struggling, its a nightmare. I've been examined by 2 gps who both say thrombosed pile. Have spoken to 3 other gps who all say thats the most likely answer. The second gp i saw said they can take months to go away and just to forget about it. The third gp said to go back in a month.

I think it has shrunk in size but the way my mind works i imagine it has'nt. Its tiny,, i can barely feel it sometimes although i've been checing more than 10 times a day! What this anxiety has reuced me to! Why can't i just trust in drs and let it go. This anxiety is taking huge chunks out of my life.

[cityhobgoblin]

Pleasure to try to help , kayla's mum , but I can't think of many suggestions- lots of people on the MH board will be able to help , though .

I think it's reasonable to have had two GPs check the site if you're that anxious , and to go back in a month , but the several extra opinions early on ( I know it must feel as though you've had the problem for ages ) and the checking many times a day , is an anxiety problem you surely need support with .
I fee
l really useless aat remembering how I felt less worried as it's dead easy to use coping techniques when you feel OK - just because your actions are probably fuelling your fear , doesn't mean the fear is your fault - you have so much to deal with in RL & this is maybe how the stress is manifesting itself .
Has your GP mentioned referring you for help with this severe anxiety atm ?

[kaylasmum]

i have been wondering if all the stress in my life over the last year or so has maybe caused my anxiety to resurface.

I think the majority of people having the same symptom would have gone to their gp, been told what the problem was and just accepted it.

I feel so stupid, i've broke down at work twice because of this. Sso embarassing, i work in a supermarket and its always busy.

I have to really try and resist the urge to contact the dr again and also to stop checking the area, its like an addiction.

I am waiting for an appt for cbt, i'm hoping it will be soon, i'm so desperate to get some help.

[cityhobgoblin]

Sounds horrendous kaylasmum - sorry for delay in replying . I seem to remember you have a lot of worry regarding young adult DC , and are caring for your little GCs? Sorry if that wasn't you - whatever your stresses , you're doing well to manage to keep functioning with work at home & out atm - I remember being at absolute breaking point when I was severely anxious .

FWIW I'd agree it'ds not healthy to have to check so obsessively , but from my experience , once you've revised CBT techniques & maybe been helped to work out some new strategies specifically to help you deal with your fears , you'll find the type of anxiety becomes less important than the cause. This fear will eventually fade into the background when /if ( I know it's not that easy ) some stressful circumstances can be changed .

Sorry for garbled post...I think you might have to see if you can ring the unit dealing with your CBT appt & ask how soon they expect to see you for assessment , and if it seems longer than you can manage ,you may have to go to your GP again to ask if s / he can ask for your referral to be speeded up - other Mners will, as usual , be more clued up than me on this .

Hope you manage to sleep OK - this rotten time will , as they say , be a distant memeory one day .
btw, I wasn't being funny putting apostrophe in , just inattentive - I remeber you can't put one in a nickname .< don't like pedantry >

[kaylasmum]

really feeling awful today, got to go to work in an hour and i'm still in bed. Can't face it! I feel terrified, just want to sleep and aleep

[cityhobgoblin]

Hi , so sorry you feel dreadful ... obviously you're overwhelmed, but I'd strongly suggest you try to write down a few notes about how you feel & just your life in general several times over the next few days , as that will help you work some of this out . ( & try when you can to put down a few phrases about how you've felt / what's been going on this past week or two )

I am so obviously no expert , but from my experience ,
this anxiety may be a response to your huge family responsibilities over the years , & may have been triggered by some extra life stress / hormone fluctuation etc etcthat tipped you into massive anxiety . If your mind & perhaps body are demanding you rest , & you subconsciously need your family / statutory agencies to take more responsibility for the huge load of work you're currently doing , you don't need anyone to point out that that might help you long term - if huge changes are impossible , smaller ones will still help .

Short term , though , I advise you not to let anyone make you feel guilty - you want to carry out your work & family life , & it would be much easier - & less disruptive to your relationship - to carry on as before ....you've been doing your absolute best & this anxiety will ebb away , & you'll learn & revise strategies for days when it threatens to haul you back into a state of panic .

You really need your CBT appointment as soon as possible , so see if you can aim to get a definite date . I expect you're wound up from having to call in sick / ask someone to do it for you , & worried about working in general , but find out about the CBT and see if you can hang on in there as it will help you so much . Best of luck - I thought I'd never feel OK again & it's awful having to wait for help .

Sorry for bad grammar as usual ..

[kaylasmum]

thanks cityhobgoblin, i find your posts very encouraging.

Well i went to work, stayed for 2 and a half hours feeling ill, nauseus, stomach churning, palpatations and just generally awful. I went to speak to my manager and broke down. She told me i'd need to see about getting signed off. So at least i have on side.

The only thing is i'll likely get a disciplinary as i had an abscence a couple of Months ago.

I am going to see my gp about bein signed off and will ask if they can hurry my cbt appt. If they cant i'm gonna phone them myself to see if they can give me a quick appt.

Thanks for letting me pour all this out to you, it really helps.

I do feel that i'm letting the anxiety beat me but don,t have the energy to fight it.

[madmouse]

you can't get a disciplinary for being ill - that's unfair and would see your employer slaughtered in any employment tribunal so don't worry about that too much. A disciplinary is for having done something wrong.

[kaylasmum]

hi madmouse, unfortunately in my workplace i can get a disciplinary for absence. Its happened to me before.

At the moment i don't really care if i do anyway. I just know that i can't cope with work at the moment.

[cityhobgoblin]

Can't believe you got yourself into wrk , kaylasmum , what a nightmare . It probably was better for the supervisor to see you struggling than just hear you'd called in , so it sounds worthwhile , but you must be wiped out .

Madmouse is far too modest to say but she's a legal professional so speaks with authority , & I'm sure MNers on the Legal board will discuss it with you if you do get a disciplinary .

Your next steps sound very sensible and please be sure to write down the parts of your life being affected by the untreated anxiety , to try and persuade GP to turn the referral an urgent one .

Hope a bit of time off work helps you feel less stressed.

[FilthyDirtyHeathen]

Oh Kaylasmum. I posted on your other thread about whether or not to trust your GP re the lump. I do feel for you I really do. I think I mentioned on the other thread that I have been experiencing symptoms of anxiety this year caused by an overactivethyroid and possibly other hormonal issues.

The anxiety tends to come and go with me, probably because my condition hasn't really been fully diagnosed and therefore properly managed. I can feel fine one week and full optimism then the next I am anxious, depressed and convinced I am seriously ill. I check my throat obsessively when I am anxious and can't tell you the number of times I have been to the GP and the walk in clinic to get my throat checked.

Dipping in and out of anxiety as I do, I really do believe that has its roots in my hormones and my mind. That there is nothing wrong with me. I am an otherwise fit, healthy 41 year old and it is unlikely that I will be seriously ill at my age. When I am in the anxious state I have to keep reminding myself of this and try not to give in to the voice that whispers 'it's serious, the doctor is wrong'.

I finally have an appointment with an Endocronologist so I hope that I will get some decent treatment for my thyroid and a few answers as to the other hormonal issues.

I don't know if I asked you on the other thread but have you considered that your anxiety might have a hormonal trigger? Have you had a thyroid test recently or are you approaching menopause or perimenopause.

[madmouse]

kaylamum I'm sure you don't care at the moment but I'm concerned that this work stuff is going to cause more anxiety in the long term especially if there are going to be further absences. If your illness is certified by your doctor they cannot discipline you for it - period. It amounts to discrimination against people with MH problems quite apart from being unfair in itself.

[kaylasmum]

cityhobgoblin - i really had to force myself to go in. I thought i'd be ok when i was there but it was hell! Not been feeling too well all day today, very nauseus and lots of stomache churning. I'm absolutely shattered and just trying to do the basics feels unsurmountable. But saying that i do feel so muchh better at home. I'm worried though that this could develop into something more. I feel very panicky and shaky when i leave the house.

Dirtyfilthyheathen - hi, hows your anxiety atm? I've never had my thyroid tested and not sure about peri-menopause. I'm 45 and still having regular periods. I think my anxiety stems from when i was a child.
My parents split up when i was 8 and it was a hard time. My df brought me and my ds up. He suffered from ms and eventually i was helping to care for him. My mum
died when she was 45 years old while i was 36 weeks pg with my dd, my dad had just had a heart attack about a week before my mum died. He survived that but died due to pnuemonia 7 years ago. That devastated me. Just before that i was diagnosed with pnd. This seems to be the time the health anxiety kicked in. I've had a lot going on lately that i think has taken its toll on me.

I hope you get everything sorted out with your anxiety soon. Its just exhausting is'nt it?

Madmouse - i'm going to look into the disciplinary thing. when my manager said to me about getting signed off i told her i was worried about getting a disciplinary she said that thats the way it is, that they have business to run and that thats how they do things across the board.

[kaylasmum]

cityhobgoblin - i really had to force myself to go in. I thought i'd be ok when i was there but it was hell! Not been feeling too well all day today, very nauseus and lots of stomache churning. I'm absolutely shattered and just trying to do the basics feels unsurmountable. But saying that i do feel so muchh better at home. I'm worried though that this could develop into something more. I feel very panicky and shaky when i leave the house.

Dirtyfilthyheathen - hi, hows your anxiety atm? I've never had my thyroid tested and not sure about peri-menopause. I'm 45 and still having regular periods. I think my anxiety stems from when i was a child.
My parents split up when i was 8 and it was a hard time. My df brought me and my ds up. He suffered from ms and eventually i was helping to care for him. My mum
died when she was 45 years old while i was 36 weeks pg with my dd, my dad had just had a heart attack about a week before my mum died. He survived that but died due to pnuemonia 7 years ago. That devastated me. Just before that i was diagnosed with pnd. This seems to be the time the health anxiety kicked in. I've had a lot going on lately that i think has taken its toll on me.

I hope you get everything sorted out with your anxiety soon. Its just exhausting is'nt it?

Madmouse - i'm going to look into the disciplinary thing. when my manager said to me about getting signed off i told her i was worried about getting a disciplinary she said that thats the way it is, that they have business to run and that thats how they do things across the board.

[cityhobgoblin]

Sorry I didn't come back kaylasmum - was trying to say something sensible after reading your moving post , then fell asleep .. . I still will have to come back to try that ( because of the morning rush ) but just hope you feel better physically today - all those symptoms sound so familiar - and would like to say that even if you do develop an anxiety problem about leaving the house , you'll be able to get back into managing it , don't worry. Sorry for grammar as usual

[kaylasmum]

hi thanks for taking the time to get back to me when you're busy.

Well heading back to drs this morning to see about getting signed off. Yet another dr! I'll have seen/spoken to every dr in the practice by the time i've finished! Stomach still churning, hands still shaking, still a mess really. I feel for my family when i'm like this. I feel like i'm being so selfish. Need to pull myself together.

[cityhobgoblin]

It's a pleasure kaylasmum , thank you - I'm sure you're busier than me and I really hope it goes OK at doctor's - this is not your fault !! You'd pull yourself together if it was as easy as that ...hope you get some peace and quiet today.

[FilthyDirtyHeathen]

Hi KM. I can see why losing your parents so close together, at such young ages as well would trigger your anxiety. You have had such a lot to deal with in that regard. Being the same age as your mum was when she passed may also be heightening your anxiety - I know it does for me. My mum died at 50 and I tend to focus on that. My dad died only two years ago -I can definitely trace the beginnings of my anxiety to his death, everything seemed to go down hill from that point.

I am sure your family are understanding of your situation. You are not being selfish and although you feel you should pull yourself together you know it's not that easy don't you. Try not to think that way, it just gives you an unnecessy burden of guilt.

I will be thinking of you today and hoping that your doctor signs you off work. Ask them when that CBT is going to start. I'm around all day and will check in to see if you update. Take care.