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my sisters' new boyfriend seems to blame her for everything when depressed - what should she do?

(11 Posts)
Jewelsandgems Fri 24-Jun-11 15:30:33

Hi there, recently my sister for divorced from a non-abusive husband - basically he was alot older and they grew apart.

Recently she has started seeing a new man. She told me he has depression and he was on medication but is not anymore and he is mostly fine without it.

Its just something she said the other day. She was at my house playing with the children and he sent her a text saying he was feeing really down. She replied saying she had her hands full and would call him in 10 mins and then he texted her back saying she needs to step up, that he cant hold their relationship together. I was a little shocked at this, and I think she was, but didnt want to say anything so I left it.

Yesterday she phoned me and was very angry. It turns out the day of the text, after she had replied and talked to him on the phone etc he posted on a forum and she managed to find the post (yes I know, if you look for bad stuff you are gonna find it) but anyway. It said on there that he was feeling down and then went on to list ALL of her bad points, some wild;y exagorrated for example:
"she wants to get drunk at every moment" when to be fair, most of us to have a glass of wine after the children go to bed, and its been months since she's been out at night. He also went on to say he had taken her away for the weekend (he hasnt, she paid more than half) and is constantly supporting her with her life - isnt that what partners do?

Not surpriging all the replies on this website has advised him to finish with her.

Basically, it seems to be that when he is depressed, he thinks that every little thing that goes wrong is down to her. Even things she has nothing to do with.

I asked her if she really wanted this to be her new man and her new life and she says that when its good its absolutely brilliant.

How best do you think I can support her? She seems very happy since being in this relationship, what support does she need to give her new boyfriend in order to make it work?

Madlizzy Fri 24-Jun-11 15:32:27

I think she needs to tell him to jog on, tbh.

bittersweetvictory Fri 24-Jun-11 15:36:01

Sorry but i agree with madlizzy, he sounds a bit controlling and is obviously a liar and an attention seeker, if she stays she will just be dragged down and end up suffering from depression herself unless he gets some serious help.

Jewelsandgems Fri 24-Jun-11 15:55:12

I agree with the control thing, but most of the time he is incredibly sweet to her and Ive seen his picture (he is very good looking) so I can on some level understand why she's wanting to hang on in there.

To me it seems like there is almost 2 of him. The one who will do anything for her and worships the ground she walks on, and the other one who seems to almost resent her for "making" him do these nice things for her, like she's not grateful enough or something. hmm

AmberLeaf Fri 24-Jun-11 16:09:37

He sounds like trouble tbh.

jewelsandgems Fri 24-Jun-11 16:17:36

I'm worried you are right. He is supposed to be coming to my house for dinner next week - do you think its worth saying something now, or wait til after I have actually met him?

spritzercat Fri 24-Jun-11 20:16:40

Hi jewelsandgems I completely agree with Amberleaf. This is is not good news at all. If he is doing this now, he could get worse. His behaviours are very worrying indeed.

A lot of people have mental health issues -depression included and don't behave this way.

I would ordinarily say he needs to get a grip but actually your sister needs to get rid. Sorry to be so blunt.

Hope your sister is ok.x

AmberLeaf Fri 24-Jun-11 21:21:30

Hes just not her responsibility and she should put herself first, he will only drag her down.

How do you think your sister would take it if you said something to her?

jewelsandgems Fri 24-Jun-11 21:48:13

amberleaf I think she will accuse me of being jealous. I did raise an eyebrow at the text she read out and she gave me a "dont start" kind of look.

madmouse Fri 24-Jun-11 22:50:09

He seems to have difficulty taking responsibility for how he is feeling and far too keen to blame others.

AmberLeaf Fri 24-Jun-11 22:52:50

Its gonna be difficult then.

Just be there for her, I have a friend in a similar position, she tells me 'stuff' and asks for my opnion which i give her, she says she can see the bad side.........but she's still with him.

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