I will try and keep this brief! Basically I'm looking for advice. Also have namechanged for this!
So here is the situation:
- When I was pg with DC2 I got anxiety, quite bad, I was referred to mental health team and had some CBT. The anxiety surrounds going outside - I get paranoid that people want to hurt the children, although I know that these thoughts are irrational
- So I had that treatment (outpatient, through peri-natal team, they didn't seem too concerned IYSWIM) and after DC2 I slowly recovered (ie was able to leave the house) but I continued having the thoughts and occasional panic attacks
- Also feeling very low a lot of the time although this seems linked to the children - when I am not with them I feel "normal" more or less, but when I am with them I feel this anxiety and terror and paranoia which is just really pissing me off. Although I think I hide it well (DCs have only ever seen one panic attack and DH seems to think they haven't noticed). This is all about me really - the kids seem fine. I do wonder if I am also a bit depressed (don't want to do anything that I don't have to, very little joy in anything, don't look forward to anything). Bizarrely though I went off by myself to do an exam the other day and had a really good time
.
- Last night got set off by the story about the man who ran over the child and stopped around the corner to check whether his car was damaged and couldn't sleep and all the rest of it. Awful thoughts - I'm sure anyone reading this board will know the sort of thing I mean
- I'm sick of it.
So I guess it looks like I'm OK when I'm not with the DCs that is a bit odd in itself and as such don't know whether it is "proper" illness as it seems to be reactive IYSWIM.
Anyway I guess the answer is to go to the GP BUT I'm scared to as I'm scared they will report me to SS. This is because I always drank quite a lot through my life (not when pg though) and after DC2 I started drinking a lot (in the evenings when DH was here and he doesn't really drink), looking back it was self-medicating as I was feeling so bad (all the stuff upthread). Anyway I decided to stop and on advice from MN went to see GP and ask for support with it, they referred me onto an agency, and the agency without ever having met me referred me to SS. (They got the wrong end of the stick and thought I was drinking when I had sole charge of the children, which was incorrect). Anyway that led to the most stressful time of my life when we had a visit from SS and they took about 3 months to tell us what the result was (no further action) but it was just so so awful. SS said I had to tell the GP and the nursery to expect a call which I did and then SS never called them - so the GP knows about the referral. For this reason I am concerned that if I go along with this anxiety/depression they will look at my notes and refer again "to be on the safe side". I really really don't want that.
So I don't know what my options are. I have tried everything I can think of. I have read self help books, I had the CBT, I have tried courses and hobbies, breathing, relaxation, talking to DH the whole time, everything I can think of. I'm at a dead end now, and I'm still stuck with this anxiety and feeling no joy in life, most of the time.
What should I do?
but just in case anyone does decide to read, I decided to call the doc but they told me I have to call back tomorrow morning as they don't have any appointments.