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I wasn't born on a Wednesday..

(2 Posts)
MrBloomEatsVeggies Fri 17-Jun-11 10:19:22

But I might as well have been, as my life has been/is full of unremitting woe.

DH has gone off with DS1 (4) to Cornwall for a week. I am at home with DS2 (2). Why am I at home? Because I have a travel phobia. DH doesn't feel confident enough to take both of them on his own.

Along with travel phobia I also have OCD catastrophic thoughts, severe anxiety disorder and various other mental health niggles.

This week, the thoughts running through my mind have been/are:

DH & DS dying in a car crash, in minute detail, with variations on the crash scenario.

Police turning up to my home to tell me and me losing my mind through grief.

DS getting lost, abducted and tortured, falling off a cliff, buried in sand, drowning at sea, knocking himself out on a rock and drowning in a rockpool, letting himself out of the caravan at night and various other scenarios.

DH dying and DS not being able to get out of the caravan and starving to death, or letting himself out and being abducted.

If that wasn't enough I am (of course) imagining my own sudden demise. DS2 ingesting poison, setting the house on fire, letting himself out of the house and being abducted or killed by a car. Or I will go spontaneously nuts and kill him somehow. Or my No.1 scenario, not being able to get out of his cotbed and slowly starving/dehydrating.

Not normal is it?

Luckily my family are close by and know my 'idiosyncrasies' and will phone/check etc. Nothing they can do about DS and DH.

I have had this bullshit mental health since I was 23, when I became agoraphobic. It has mutated and changed throughout the years. I became terrified of eating out in case I choked, over that one now. I became terrified (phobic actually) of not sleeping, DH did all the night feeds when DS's were tiny. This phobia is slowly receding. I seem to swap one fear for another. Many other fears have come and gone.

I have had CBT for many years, and it has helped. I understand my subconscious mind, but I can't master it. No matter how many times I tell myself that focusing on my fears is self-indulgent bullshit, they're still there, along with the unending anxiety symptoms.

I am sick to the back teeth of it, truly. 20 years of self-induced fear. Why? why does it keep going?

I should be going to Cornwall too. So should DS2.

They've not long gone and I'm so pissed off. Just wanted to tell someone.

Thanks for reading smile.

lottieloulou Fri 17-Jun-11 12:32:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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