not sure where to start

[reastie]

I don't really know what to do or where to start or even if there's anything 'wrong' with me.

won't bore you with everything, but, in a nutshell have a 3.4mo dd. history of anxiety issues and bad emetophobia limiting my life and had an extremely difficult pg, being signed off most of the time and lots of extreme anxiety in this time.

since having dd, I've felt alot better in myself than where i was and feel happy in general in myself and as a mother but i am suffering from extremely low self esteem/self worth having gone up 3 dress sizes since pre preg (and was a size 16 pre preg). i try to talk to dh about this and he tries to understand but he doesn't know what to do about it, and neither do i. the other night he ried his best to say compliments (very rare for dh to do) and all he came out with were things like i was a good mum and thoughtful - nothing about id he finds me attractive or anything and i know he doesn't when i look like this. I went this morning to buy some new clothes having hardy any that fit me and cried all the way home at how nothing fittes/how terrible i looked in everything. it does get to the point where i don't want to go out and see anyone as i don't want them to see me like this. i cry when dh tries to be, ahem, intimate with me as i don't want him to be with me when i'm like this and i don't feel worthy of anything. i feel desperate to excercise but too tired and have a back problem preventing me in doing most things. i am seeing the physio tomorrow re: back and i don't want to go as i've not felt i'm worth enough to even bother with the excercises she gave me so why bother. i know the physio won't be happy with me. i try and go for walks locally but the roads arn't the sort you can walk down safely and i just don't have the time/energy.

i also have lots of anxiety related to my emetophobia - i am paranoid every day that dd will get sick and i won't be able to look after her. i eat all the time as i get really hungry with bfing and if i don't i get that shaky nauseous blood sugar feeling and i panic i might be sick.

i'm sure there's more i can't even remember. my mw is keeping an eye on me as a pnd questionnaire i did came out quite high i think (but she didn't say this in so many words) but i haven't mentioned any this to her as i can't bear anyone in rl to know, and, i am happy most/some of the time when i manage to forget all my problems. I have no idea if this is pnd or just me or something everyone feels, and, when i'm not in a down mood i forget how bad i can be. i'm sorry - i meant this to be sort and yet there's so much more i didn't say. i don't even know why i'm posting this, i think it just helps to tell someone, anyone.

[madmouse]

Start by taking little steps. Back problems don't usually stop you from exercising, in fact they make gentle exercise more important. And it is possible to make yourself do the physio exercises, just like you make yourself brush your teeth and switch on the washing machine...

Judging by how you describe your eating you would quite possibly feel a lot better if you made some changes to what you eat. If you fill up at meal times with things like pitta bread and tuna, whole meal toast and beans, eggs on toast etc, and eat some nuts and fruit in between you will soon see the end of that low sugar feeling. That feeling is usually due to having eaten sugary stuff an hour earlier causing a spike and then a dip. It can make you feel so very very grotty, weepy, irritable, down, dizzy, low.

You don't have to change yourself today - it won't work. Little steps.

[NanaNina]

Hi reastie - so sorry you are feeling so bad about your weight. I can most definitely recommend Slimming World, and ok it's hard taking the first step, like going to a meeting, but there are loads of other overweight people there. If you really can't face it, you can do it online, but it's expensive. The thing is, unlike weight watchers, you can eat an awful lot of food (I lost 2 stone on it last year) and ate far more than I usually eat. It isn't all lettuce and stuff. You can eat meat, fish, eggs, bread, fruit and even chocolate or biscuits every day (in moderation) IT's not a fad diet, it's a very healthy eating diet.

I know what you mean about those blood sugar things - I have had them on and off for a year or two, and went to my GP who said it sounded like I was having mild hypoglaecemia attacks (drop in blood sugar) and advised me to eat 3 glucose sweets when it came on. YOu can get them from Sainsburys or chemists. Your GP might ask you to do a fasting blood test (you don't eat for 12 hours before the blood test) to test your blood sugar levels. They are horrible aren't they. Mine come on very suddenly and really scare me as I think I am going to feint, I get very shakey and anxious. Mine are nothing to do with eating sugary stuff an hour earlier. They always come at the same time - about 3 in the afternoon after I've eaten a healthy lunch, just as Madmouse suggests - beans or egg on wholemeal toast and some fruit. I also carry something "oaty" with me - cereal bars and dried fruit.

My attacks come in episodes and I can be free of them for months and then they re-appear and then I start getting anxious about having one, and eating more at around 2 - 3 pm to try to stave them off. Maybe that is what you are doing, especially as you are anxious about sickness.

Sorry to be waffling on about these things if PND is your main problem, but it doesn't sound like it (though I am no medic) am on this thread through depression and anxiety that also comes and goes......but that's another story.

You can't deal with all your problems in one go - so maybe you could prioritise. It's very hard to exercise when you are very overweight, but as the pounds come off, you will feel more like walking (which is an excellent exercise) and can do this with the baby in the pram can't you.

So glad your DH is kind and supportive and I'm sure he loves you for who you are, not what you weigh. Glad also that mw is keeping an eye on you for PND signs.

I too know/knew the horror of trying to find clothes to fit and feeling toally demoralised.....just makes you feel crap doesn't it, but it doesn't have to be like that.

Sending you good wishes

[reastie]

thank you so much for your replies and sorry for taking so long - I read them just didn't get a chance to reply . nina what you say re: hypoglycemia is interesting as for years I've been sure I have hypoglycemia very mildy as I've always been so bizarre with blood sugar levels etc. Infact, about 10 years ago I gave up sugar completely to even out my blood sugar levels and at the time it made me feel so much better sadly chocolate got the better of me

I did go to the physio and she didn't tell me off too much for not doing excercises but I've got a list and I'm goign to try and note down how many i do of each excercise each day in the hope that it will make me do it (worked so far). she's also said I can try cycling a tiny and see how I go (after I asked her) but the frustrating thing is when as I can't leave dd at home and I can't take her with me and dh works long hours . Think it'll have to be week ends only.

nina I think I do exactly what you do re: eating more to stave off the attacks - infact, also it's made worse by never truly knowing when I'm going to feed dd so I often eat thinking she will want feeding soon and then I won't be able to eat for a while and I feel so perculiar so quickly I need to nip it in the bud. Not sure how I'll overcome it really

madmouse and nina I try so hard to be healthy (minus the chocolate cravings). I know all about nutrition as I studied it as part of my uni course, just wish I could apply it as my eating issues are also mental rather than just physical iykwim. I have a very specialist diet which excludes lots of things (many things due to necessity of intolerance but also I'm veggie) so it's very hard just finding things to eat, especially in a hurry. I've never done slimming world type things as most of the things I cook with are really specialist and as I avoid so many things I'm as to how easy/worthwhile it would be (thinking that choc ice I had yesterday prob wasn't a good idea though ). Plus, meetings are in the evening near me and I spend all evening cluster feeding/getting dd to bed etc (and with supply issues I really can't express).

Anyway, thank you for being there when I needed someone to listen too. You're right - one issue at a time. I just wish I could sort them all out as I feel such a mess.