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Awful anxiety/depression (may upset, sorry)

(21 Posts)
DontKnowWhatToDoAnymore Mon 13-Jun-11 21:29:45

I'm a regular but have name changed. I have suffered with quite serious anxiety for five years now due to being raped repeatedly for a year from being 16. I had counselling for about a year after the abuse stopped. At the time it seemed to help but wasn't long lasting, if that makes any sense.

Anyway fast forward to now. I can't cope. I am a single mum, dd is 2. My ex partner (dd's father) was very violent and emotionally abusive. My anxiety attacks are so bad now that I avoid going to crowded places at all costs. I was on citalopram for a year but the gp took me off it gradually as I was improving.

Sorry I'm not getting to the point very well. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel so ungrateful, I have a wonderful bf, fab neighbours and friends, fab family and an amazing dd but I still can't be happy. I am so scared I will lose dd if I go to the gp again.

Sorry if this makes no sense, I'm just a big mess.

cjel Mon 13-Jun-11 22:24:28

Hello, It makes every sense. bless you. Go back to GP and restart meds. You will be better , you will recover, You don't need to suffer like this. Go to GP in the morning first thing, There maybe things you are now ready to look at in counselling that you couldn't before. Ask for more it is very common to dip in and out as more things raise themselves but get medicalhelp for the imediate help and then when you feel strong again - which I promise you you will you can get more permanant help . Please look after yourself you deserve a happy life and crap men dont deserve any more of your time and energy. Wish you hugs. let me know how you get on at drs tomorrow.xx

muttimalzwei Mon 13-Jun-11 22:29:01

Go and see the doctor and explain that you need to go back on the medication. It is nothing to be ashamed of and you will feel better for it. I am sorry you are going through all of this, get some help so you can start enjoying life again.

DontKnowWhatToDoAnymore Mon 13-Jun-11 22:53:08

Thankyou so much for the replies.

Its so frustrating. I seem to convince myself that I'm fine for a while then it hits me like a ton of bricks. I'm scared to go back to counselling as talking about it makes it worse iyswim.

Anyway, sorry for the self indulgent thread.
Thankyou again

DontKnowWhatToDoAnymore Mon 13-Jun-11 22:55:37

Thankyou so much for the replies.

Its so frustrating. I seem to convince myself that I'm fine for a while then it hits me like a ton of bricks. I'm scared to go back to counselling as talking about it makes it worse iyswim.

Anyway, sorry for the self indulgent thread.
Thankyou again

winnybella Mon 13-Jun-11 22:58:36

You're not being self-indulgent at all. IMO you should go back to the doctor, get back on meds, definitely get some counselling as even if traumatic at the same time it could be cathartic (although I realise that it must be incredibly difficult to discuss the abuse you suffered).

You will not have your DD taken away by asking for help.

hobbgoblin Mon 13-Jun-11 23:05:40

Going to the GP for help will not mean you risk losing your children AT ALL EVER. Being depressed and anxious will not mean you lose your children so long as you take steps to ensure their wellbeing. Look after yourself, that is what you must do, for you and for them.

It's shit that you have to be the one to take responsibility for healing you, when you have been betrayed and hurt and abused but the harsh reality is you have to, and that will be your strength and triumph.

Therapy often means things feel worse before they are better. This doesn't necessarily mean you are ready for therapy, but when you feel stronger you may be able to face things being tough and painful again for a while before they become much MUCH better for you.

I repeat, and promise you, you will not be penalised for seeking help. Your children will saty with you guaranteed so long as you get the help you need to be well for them.

Take care.

hobbgoblin Mon 13-Jun-11 23:06:10

Sorry, child not children

cjel Tue 14-Jun-11 07:37:34

If you are working with person-centred counsellor they will only go at your pace and you will be able to keep yourself feeling safe at all times. They won't try to rush you or force you to think of anything you aren't ready for. Please give it another go - the end result will be worth it I promise!!!!
Be kind to yourself, give your mind a break with the meds. start good counselling and before long you won't even rememberfeeling like you do now.
Take care of yourself you really are worth it!!!!!!x

DontKnowWhatToDoAnymore Tue 14-Jun-11 08:26:21

Thanks again.

I have made an appointment at the doctors for this morning so we'll see how that goes. I am so nervous! Its daft, if I had to go for say a throat infection it wouldn't bother me at all but this has me a gibbering mess!

cjel Tue 14-Jun-11 15:14:35

Hope you managed to go ok and talk to the DR. was it any help? How are you doing?x

Orchidlady Tue 14-Jun-11 16:17:12

Sorry you are going through this, panic attacks are horrible, I suffered with them for years, @ the end of my tether I eventually saw a hypnotherapist and she taught me how to deal with the attacks, I have to say it was life changing. Not saying it works for everyone but a worth a try. Also the counselling will help. Hope things get better for you. You know you would be surprised how many people suffer with this, you are not alone or crazy.

DontKnowWhatToDoAnymore Tue 14-Jun-11 16:34:51

Hi thankyou, I did manage to go. She has given me 10 mg of citalopram to start with.

Does anyone know if they will help with the anxiety attacks?

Chocattack Tue 14-Jun-11 22:34:50

Hi, glad you made it to the gp. This might not happen to you but when I started on citalopram it made my anxiety even worse! But try not to panic, because even if this happens to you it should settle down. Eventually citalopram is meant to help with anxiety. Hope things settle down for you.

DontKnowWhatToDoAnymore Wed 15-Jun-11 20:21:07

Thanks again. The doctor did mention that it may make the anxiety worse at first but would get better within approx 4 weeks.

The only thing is, I took the first one last night, after a meal, and I have felt so sick and achy since. I don't remember having these side effects when I was taking it the last time. Is that normal.

Sorry for all the questions.

cjel Wed 15-Jun-11 20:35:15

Stick with them for a while, can't always tell if its anxiety because you've started a new drug or a side effect!!!Hope things settle quickly for youxxx

Chocattack Wed 15-Jun-11 23:01:37

Interesting DontKnow. I too reacted differently to citalopram on two different occassions (~2 years apart). First time, I don't recall the side effects being that bad (or maybe I've just forgotten!) but second time, it was horrendous - hard to forget. My sickness didn't last more than a few days though.

NanaNina Thu 16-Jun-11 00:06:27

Dontknowwhattodo - please let me assure you that you will not lose your child if you go to the GP. I am really astonished how many MNs with MH problems think that this is the case. I had a long career in social work (childrens services) and can promise you that the last thing the GP will be thinking about is getting SS involved to remove your child.

There is a MN post (nickname Madmouse) who suffers from PTSD (for a similar reason to yours) I am sure she will talk to you - she usually answers a lot on MN, but you could always put a call out to her. She's very knowledgeable about PTSD. Maybe you need some good therapy as well as medication, which only treats the symptoms, whereas therapy can often get to the bottom of the cause of your anxiety and that might be as much help as the meds.

DontKnowWhatToDoAnymore Thu 16-Jun-11 12:12:43

Thankyou Nana. I do worry about what the doctors and especially health visitors will think when they find out things are 100 per cent perfect. This is probably yo do with my evil health visitor and her outrageous ways (but that's a whole new thread!)

The gp has mentioned ptsd in the past and offered counselling again but I don't know if I can do it again tbh. I don't talk about it at all. Well more can't than won't iyswim.
I am lucky that my closest friends all know so when we go to the pub or for dinner one of them will come to the toilet with me and always share taxis home (yes, I really am that bad)!

NanaNina Thu 16-Jun-11 15:30:40

Have you already had counselling Don'tknow - as you say you don't know if you can do it again. Not talking about it means that the trauma is more powerful and in your head - incidentally I think it's more won't talk about it than can't IFYSWIM which is the opposite to what you are thinking. We often say we can't do something when we really mean won't (eg I can't fly an aeroplane - true)but "I can't talk about my problems really means "I won't talk about my problems"

Do you honestly believe that in other families "things are 100% ok " - if so lovey you are in cloud cuckoo land! Everyone has their problems - some just hide it better than others. The only place where everything is perfect is the families on the TV ads!

I really think you need some good therapy to help you to alleviate the worse symptoms of anxiety and maybe meds as well.

DontKnowWhatToDoAnymore Thu 16-Jun-11 16:00:55

Yes I had counselling for a year after the abuse stopped. It did help at the time but not for long.

I know you are right about talking it about it, I just find it so difficult. I suppose I try to convince myself that by not talking about it, it isn't real.
In a way, I blame myself for my anxiety. I thought that I'd be better by now, it was 7 years ago that it stopped. But because I'm still a mess I take it out on myself.

Haha about the perfect families, I know they don't really exist, sometimes it just feels like everyone else is always happy and cheery. Silly really.

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