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Been at my lowest-what to do now?

(15 Posts)
PhishFoodAddiction Sat 11-Jun-11 18:16:32

Sorry if this ends up rambly/ waffling, most of my posts on here do.

I have depression (chronic) had it since I was 14 but only went on ADs 2 years ago. I'm on citalopram 20mg, which worked fine at first.

A few days ago though, I hit rock bottom and was having suicidal thoughts. I don't know how I made it through them, I just felt so empty and detached it was a bit scary. There really seemed to be nothing to carry on for. A day or so after, I realised that I didn't really want to die, just to have this turmoil in my head be gone. I just wanted some peace from it, if that makes sense.

I'm feeling a little bit better now, these thoughts have subsided, but I'm frightened to go back to the doctor-as they will just want to up my dose of citalopram. I can see this going on forever more- taking higher dose, feeling okay, then crashing again, then upping the dose further... and they ask me if I'm self-harming...well I'm not really, if you just scratch yourself with something sharp but don't bleed it's not self-harm is it? But I still don't want to tell them that.

I just don't know what to do now.

I feel like I'm flitting from one thing to another, trying to find the answer, or something that will 'fix' me. I've had counselling, and it was helpful (childhood issues) but only got me so far. So I'm looking at inner child stuff to further help that but it's hard work. Also I got the book 'potatoes not prozac' and when I read it I felt it might really help, yet I can't seem to get started with any of the advice, even though it's simple. I would be too ashamed to go back to my counsellor as at the end of the last session I was all 'I'm going to do x,y,z and I'm all better now' whereas over a year later I'm still stuck in the same place.

It's like the depressed part of me is fighting back against the part that wants to be better. sad. Where do I go from here?

PhishFoodAddiction Sat 11-Jun-11 18:20:38

Forgot to mention I have 2 wonderful DDs who I love so much, and they are so worth living for, it was just when I felt so bad that I felt I couldn't carry on that I thought they would be much better off without me.

atswimtwolengths Sun 12-Jun-11 14:26:58

Hello - didn't want you to think this had gone unnoticed. Hope you're feeling a little better today.

You have started off on the lowest dose, so don't worry if the doctor wants to increase the dose. I would explain about the scratching, if I were you - it's better to be honest otherwise you might not get the right help.

You know your children will never, ever be better off without you. They love you - you're their world.

Don't be ashamed to go back to your counsellor. You had the right intentions before, but found it difficult to carry them through. Think of the women who have been to Weight Watchers over the years, decades even - they have started afresh each time and have been helped. Nobody would say you only have one chance. Your counsellor will know how difficult it is to actually do what you want to do.

Mabelface Sun 12-Jun-11 14:34:20

Agree that you're on a low dose and an increase would actually be a step forward, not back as it'll help get you back on an even keel. The scratching is a form of self harm (and one that I have been known to do) but you can come back from this. As for the counsellor, nothing to feel embarrassed about here. It's not uncommon for someone to need to go back. Very best of luck to you. xxxx

midnightservant Sun 12-Jun-11 15:30:49

Different ADs suit different people. For me it's paroxatine. They didn't have SSRIs in my youth and the stuff they tried for me just turned me into a zombie. Oh the difference when I was first prescribed paroxatine! Felt so much better that I started forgetting to take them if I wasn't careful.

So if the citalopram continues not to work, even at higher dose, do go back and say so.

neverontime Sun 12-Jun-11 15:36:49

Hi, hope you're feeling ok today.
One of the side effects of Citalopram is suicidal thoughts, so maybe that specific brand of Anti-depressants arent suited to you, but you do need to tell your doctor. And i would also mention about the scratching, because maybe there are anti-depressants out there that can help with that too.
Thinking of you.

madmouse Sun 12-Jun-11 16:53:58

you stopped counselling too soon - can you go back to your counsellor?

PhishFoodAddiction Sun 12-Jun-11 19:00:39

Thanks so much for all your kind replies. Feel a bit teary now!

Am very up and down, but not too bad today.

I started out on 10mg citalopram, which was then upped to 20mg. Would 40 be the next dose? It scares me a bit that they work for a short while and then become less and less effective. I'm going to have to be brave and book a doctors appointment. sad Maybe I would do better on a different AD.

Thanks for all the advice re counselling. I did about 6 months of fortnightly appointments on the NHS...and for the last couple of sessions I felt something had changed and we sort of had nothing to talk about anymore, nothing was coming up like it used to-it was general chit chat. It felt like a natural stopping point. I'll feel a bit like I've let myself down, and let the counsellor down too. I'm embarassed at being full of grand plans and them coming to nothing blush

Does anyone know if you're allowed more than one course of counselling on the NHS? Private counselling seems expensive here, though if we scrimped a bit we might be able to afford it.

madmouse Sun 12-Jun-11 19:40:48

You haven't let yourself down and it is impossible to let the counsellor down.

You've lived life for a bit, more things have come up and you need a bit more help.

Your GP should be able to re-refer you for more counselling.

PhishFoodAddiction Sun 12-Jun-11 20:11:19

Thanks madmouse, I will try and get to the doctors this week. Got to overcome going to the dentist on Wednesday first <big scaredy cat emoticon> but will definitely go at the end of the week.

If you don't mind me asking- have you had a lot of counselling and found it helpful? I sometimes feel I'm going round in circles going over the same old stuff.

madmouse Sun 12-Jun-11 20:35:34

Yes I've had a lot - after I was diagnosed with PTSD I was referred for NHS counselling and due to the severity of the situation the psychotherapist who did the initial assessment decided to take me on herself. I had the maximum 14 sessions with her, fortnightly. I then went on to have another year of counselling with a brilliant counsellor via a charity that supports adult survivors of child sexual abuse. The NHS therapist helped me to stabilise a bit and then referred me and the next counsellor helped me process my memories and find myself again. I paid the charity whatever I could afford.

Very briefly my labour with ds brought back suppressed memories of severe sexual abuse - which meant that I felt my life was based on a lie, the flashbacks were terrifying and I no longer saw the point of life as it hurt too much, I also thought I was a bad person and that people would leave me if they knew what I was really like. Counselling combined with the unstinting 24/7 (literally) support of a few friends has really pulled me through, but it took 2 years to get where I am now.

I still have tough times (finished at Christmas) but it usually just takes self-care and a chat with a friend to see straight again.

PhishFoodAddiction Sun 12-Jun-11 20:50:14

I'm sorry to hear you've been through such tough times. It must have been horrendous suffering through the flashbacks, and with a newborn to look after too. So good that you have good friends around to support you now, I hope you carry on getting better.

The bit you said about counselling helping to process memories and find out who you are really struck a chord with me. I feel so bogged down with it all that I can't find myself. I'm also a bit scared that memories will come back and I won't be able to cope with them (I really don't remember much until around age 6).

The abuse in my family was mainly psychological, probably unwittingly on their part, and a bit of OTT physical punishment. I worry that there was more but no specific memories, just a feeling. I don't know if going over it all again will improve things but I will look into it. I just want to be better already-I'm so impatient.

madmouse Sun 12-Jun-11 21:03:44

You are playing down what has happened to you do you realise that? The way you describe what happened in your family makes me feel that there is a bit more to sort out.

I won't lie - memories coming back was hell. But it had to be dealt with and I have found confronting them, owning them and processing them the way to go. It was not easy to talk about it. I would often just drop hints in the hope that they would understand what I was trying to say and a few months before I finished counselling I realised I needed to say it all, to get it out in the light, and I read my written history of the abuse out to my counsellor (which was soo hard) and emailed it to my closest friend, a fellow survivor and my dh. Their love and acceptance was very healing. The morning after my (male!) friend texted me to say 'Just to let you know I still love you the same as before'. That meant so much.

PhishFoodAddiction Sun 12-Jun-11 21:40:42

My counsellor said that too- but I find it hard to say bad things about my parents (even though it's the truth). confused It's as if I don't want anyone else to think badly of them.

I also always have that feeling that there are other people much worse off than me, and it wasn't really that bad.

I had to cover up the truth when I was little, and maybe that's why I find it hard. After my stepdad kicked me in the thigh once and left a huge bruise, I went to visit my dad. He saw the bruise and asked what it was from-I innocently told the truth. My dad had strong words with stepdad, and when he'd gone my mum was cross with me for telling! Like I should have realised to lie at 6yo. After that, if I had a bruise I was told not to tell my dad where it had come from. Ever since then I think I've pushed down my own truth.

I think your way forward is the best way to go, tough though it may be. It must have taken a huge amount of courage to write everything down and then read it out and pass it on to your loved ones. Such a lovely reaction from them though, it sounds like you have some wonderful people around you.

madmouse Sun 12-Jun-11 22:55:27

I've struggled with these things too - my abuser was a primary school teacher and he stopped me telling my parents by implicating me, getting into my head that it was my fault, that I was disgusting, that if my mum and dad would find out they would abandon me.

It does not matter whether or not anyone has it worse than you - what happened to you is bad enough!

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