Keziah, City, Choc et al support thread

[Keziahhopes]

Hi - found us a new home. Just didn't like the title of my old thread - and have found your support so helpful but would also like this thread to be less egocentric .

Choc -hope cbt assessment goes well.

City - how are you doing?

My physio exercises are helping me, but don't see stroke consultant until beginning of July. Still not had OT assessment, but dont' think will need it by then - just been horrible for dh to do everything for me since Easter. Now more independend - just had my first shower by myself!!

[cityhobgoblin]

Thank you for new thread Keziah! Forgive me writing one last time on old thread so I could bounce about optimistically on this one ! Sorry you've been feeling Don't be shy about a thread title in "just" your name -you bloomin' well merited one . < patronising >.

Brilliant , brilliant news about your first unaided shower - am so surprised I can't tell you . Your progress is even faster than I'd hoped , despite the many stresses you've had heaped upon you , which I find slow down physical recovery for me - so this is an amazingly good sign .

Am pretty good thank you , very well mentally which should help me tackle the backlog months & months of tasks I need to complete . It's not as if I'm being perfectionist , either but had more prolonged fatigue than usual the past 18 months , so my hopes to do formal voluntary work & eventually work (very) part time have had to be deferred a bit longer - but am getting there , as they say , & enjoying life .

< extra positive thoghts for you choc > - sorry , I put a few words to you in my post on old thread as it fitted with Keziah's reply to you.

Hope all having a peaceful weekend.

[cityhobgoblin]

Ooops , so sorry missed off about your not having had OT assessment yet - so long . I know you haven't yet had an appt t with stroke consultant - no words for that .

Glad physio still helping & hope you'll gradually be able to do more of the tasks you worry about your dh having to do , but hope also that you won't feel guilty about it all in the meantime . I know it's very hard and your dh sounds very skilled also at dealing with deliberately obstructive professionals .

Sorry for waffling , have good day , both of you

[Keziahhopes]

Hi city - well showering was due to my great ability to stand on one leg

Yes, tiredness is so hard. My dh has been fantastic - as I haven't been able to cook a single hot meal since Easter, or do any housework. The best advice the physio gave me was to invest time in my recovery so my dh has let me do that rather than try to do housework. But mentally that is hard, guilty etc.

sorry you not able to work yet, but a "delay" is better than not at all.

Seeing the psychiatrist for my quarterly 15min appointment tomorrow - NOT looking forward to it. And got to see my care co-ordinator on Thursday, apparently they have had a "meeting" about me. Mm..... why does that stress me out?!

[cityhobgoblin]

Ah , showering etc still very awkward for you , sorry - still , does show your balance is good !]- I've found bouts of dodgy balance can take a while to ease off , so it's a good sign

Really hope your psychiatrist appt is positive but I understand that may not exactly be the case so choc & I will be sending you calming thoughts tonight & tomorrow .

As for Thursday's meeting , what a depressing prospect . Unless you can learn a lifetime's worth of meditation practice overnight I can only suggest you try to distract yourself a bit if at all possible or you'll feel the anger building up again & have little outlet for it ... sorry , I imagine you feel flashes of anger about the situation all the time & have a job to deal with it .

Perhaps care coordinator has been disciplined and retrained since you last heard from her - her behaviour sounds bizarre & extreme by anyone's standards .

You are very brave to face either one of these appointments , and I hope you can have the experience a friend on the MH board described , of being able to put up a "wall" of safety between herself & an adversarial official , where their unpleasant behaviour couldn't distress her . She began to be able to do this after saying a desperate "help me" prayer , but I've experienced it during a session of non specific spiritual healing , so would tentatively suggest you ask the healing energies of the universe to help
< Keziah runs away in horror & who can blame her >

< turbocharged postive thoughts for this week > xx

[Keziahhopes]

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH - it was horrible! All she wanted to talk about was my failed ivf, the fact I couldn't cope with it and that was why I got this neurological problem. Uh??? I never saw anyone cos I couldn't cope with ivf failing - why not ask me about my Mum, what was going on then before hospital, but oh no she was not interested. Then she said she didn't need to see me again, gave me open apt, then gave me one for 4 months. Said she didn't want me to have ivf again, as needed period of stability. Uh, well no one from mental health team seeing me will not tell them if I am stable will it. And does that say any parent with a mental health issue shoudl not try to have a child?

Oh - seeing my care co-ordinator on Thursday, had a letter from her to tell me this and also to say teh CMHT's manager will be there. Oh, nice and stress free why don't you!!!

city - have no issue with praying at all, so will definitley pray "help me keep calm and not get angry on THursday" - thanks for the tip.

Have cried, shouted at dh after seeing the psychiatrist, now trying to watch tennis, type here and distract. Sigh, was ok till saw her - hate this "you are difficult to work with, so will label you, stop you having ivf, stop you doing xyz but not help you" attitude. all they care about is being sued or cases like baby p - not people like me, who is unique etc. GRrr....

sorry for angry outburst here.

[Keziahhopes]

....day got worse, all stress = not only seeing my care co=ordinator on Thu but the manager of the whole services is going to be there. Why???? How does thta help me? It doesn't. I know. Why do some people get help and I get stressful situations. already my typing bad due to how stressed I am and I can't be bothered to alter it.

I just cried, lots nad lots loudly. Then threw my dh out of the house as he was all logical and well you dont neeed to know the rest.

I hurt myself, not seriously but with nearest thing to hand. It just grazed me. So cross with myself. Needed to do more but I knwo I can't - but it helps and I cant do it.. -

[cityhobgoblin]

Oh no Keziah , so gutted you have had to deal with her refussing to listen to you , and face prospect of Thursday too . So sorry you're in such distress but as you know it's been caused by lack of support / active obstruction of you over the past year (or more) .

Have been out today so didn't see your posts

Truly angry for you that she said you weren't coping with failure of IVF cycle when over the weeks it would seem to us you very much are coping - as you say , why not ask about the other events

Am about for a couple of hours now so will check again to see if you have by any chance posted again , but I hope you've somehow managed to doze off . You did so , so well not to seriously hurt yourself & I feel like crying myself that the psych's refusal to hear/ believe you has made you suffer like this . Have gone through similar , but less sensitive issues involved .

Will try to reply a bit more later & send lots of calming thoughts xx

[Chocattack]

Lovely home it is too! Must apologise for it taking me this long to get here. I saw it yesterday but just wasn't able to post (too many mixed emotions and I didn't want to spoil the positive vibe).

Sounds a rough day Keziah (sorry - that's an understatement I'm still not really with it so please forgive me in advance for anything rubbish I might say). The psych appt sounds horrendous - I kind of now understand why you were so worried about it. Do you find that past appts have been more helpful or is today the norm? Just really sorry you had to do this today and then more to come on Thurs. You are amazing to just keep on going with it all. I'm rubbish as when things get tough with HCPs I avoid them. Hopefully by the time you read this you'll be feeling a bit better after the cry, and outburst at your dh. I'm a little at you hurting yourself. Was this deliberate? Apologies if you've mentioned this before but I missed it (or am misunderstanding you now). I'm particularly sensitive to self-harm issues right now because at my CBT assessment today I got asked to show. I hate talking about it nevermind anything else and I was even asked if I do it in front of my dd . Um, no!

Well hopefully you are still pretty good city . I have images of you racing round at hyper-speed doing all your long awaited tasks . Thanks for the positive thoughts - they definitely did the trick. The assessment went well (apart from the bit above) in fact overall it was probably one of the least traumatic sessions I've had with a HCP although it was rather long so quite tiring (luckily I had a lay-in today as dd not home). The outcome is that I may not be suited to CBT, as I have a problem identifying thoughts (I either suppress them or when that fails I get a rush of overwhelming thoughts) but we will have another session and see. If this fails, "other options" will be discussed so I may be offered something else.

Ah yes Keziah in this instance seems as though my services are more enlightened. Jaw on floor at 2 inpatient stays and no crisis team support after. What do you have to do to get it?! Here's hoping for a better tomorrow x

[Keziahhopes]

Sorry I spoiled the positive vibe Choc - after 2 days of dh making calls for me we have learnt that:

• manager of CMHT has NOT been transparent with my dh or my advocate
  
• my advocate that I met once is going on 3 weeks hol just when I need an advocate
  
• my care co-ordinator told dh she will not see me without the manager of CMHT with her, is refusing to see me - so am guessing they will get rid of me!
  
• my Thursday session has been cancelled as I am refusing ot see a care co-ordinator who has not bothered to see me since Feb, breaking my care plan (CPA) with her manager without having a chance to take a representatve too.
  

Choc sorry if I said anyting unsensitive about self-harm, but really feel for you having to show it to that person. I have NEVER been asked to show my self harm (it is not bad, never has been - glued 2 times in my life and is pretty non existant now which is why last night upset me so much, that I resorted to it). Really hope that if CBT not right for you they can offer you something that is. IT is hard to get help, so if you get something else that is fab. Glad it was less traumatic than you feared.

city that was so kind of you to check again, I just was not in a position to post. My dh agreed to leave teh house - he did nothing wrong, but I couldn't cope being around him and anything would have set me off again - he came in about 2am, by which time I was more tired and in control. Both up for 7/8am start for work. Work..... hard, today, will be harder tomorrow - just need Thu and time off for physio!!

Think we need (((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))

[Chocattack]

Oh no please don't apologise Keziah. I just didn't want to be the one breaking the positive vibe. (You're allowed to because you found us a new home ). And you didn't say anything insensitive about self harm so please don't be sorry. It was just unfortunate timing for me. I didn't want to ignore what you'd said but didn't know how to acknowledge it without becoming drawn in myself iyswim. That said I'm responsible for me so please don't feel the need to not post something that you need off your chest. Interesting that you've never been asked. I've only ever been asked once before by my gp when I was particularly distressed so was rather surprised yesterday to be asked and did question whether it was necessary - felt a bit personal. Now thinking maybe I should have just said no .

What atrocious luck with the advocate going on holiday just when you need one. The whole thing with the care co-ordinator sounds fishy. Though could she just be wanting the manager there so that it's not just 1-to-1? I think it was sensible to cancel your session Thurs if you can't arrange to take a representative with you. Doesn't seem fair that (in theory) you could be ganged up on.

Ah hi City I didn't see your post last night. I must be a very slow typer!! Lovely of you to be so supportive. Keziah glad your dh returned and you were both able to resume work today. Though you must be pretty shattered after expanding all that emotional energy. Yes hugs all round I think .

[cityhobgoblin]

Hi Keziah and choc, incredibly sorry for being useless again yesterday but I'm finally getting there now . I did check back Mon night / Tues morning but Mn kept going down for maintenance for far longer than usual so I couldn't say goodnight . Am so glad you both managed to get some sleep & get to work , but don't know how you managed it .
Really feel for you on asking dh to leave house for a while - was just what I did in very similar circs , & I often think of it .

Feel awful choc that I didn't mention your assessment on Monday night , but had been thinking of you, & what they said sounds positive . I did a course of group CBT years ago & seem to remember we were guided / taught about identifying emotions & all used the standard manual for CBT to help us , but I know everyone varies with identifying various feelings - I'm ssure you'll ask them to elaborate on what they 're asking you to practice .

Am impressed you went to the appointment , as I think you said recently you've developed a phobia of HCPs...I really relate , & need to face several such in the coming months ( am not ill as such ) , so seeing how you & Keziah face this stuff is very helpful to me .

Keziah , I was amazed & delighted that you've managed to avoid a possible ambush , but so sorry advocate isaway & that you fear you will be denied services yet again . Am in awe of the way you & your dh enquired further & what calm judgement you have under such extreme pressure .

I see that the situation is bad but think Thursday as cordinator wanted might have pushed you over an edge emotionally & been bad for your physical recovery , so hope you have a chance to look after yourself this week .

Am well but astonished to find myself being bullied in one of the voluntary groups I belong to - power play and sexism - am goggling at how ludicrous it is , & very grateful it's not happening in a workplace . It's good practice in social skills , which as you know I sorely need . I felt less hideous after recent verbal attack as I knew I had you lovely people here to chat to ! < drone drone >

Peaceful evening and positive thoughts to you both .

[Keziahhopes]

city you would not say calm judgement if you saw me crying hysterically (and I do not do crying!) the other night - bless you for seeing the positive. Ouch for the bullying in voluntary groups - positive twist on saying it is good practice, but hope it is ok for you.?

Well good news is my Dad had a needed operation and it seems to have gone well and I am not going to visit - (hand op, not serious but needed to save fingers!) - that is a first for me


Am shattered, so early early night for me here!!

[cityhobgoblin]

Argh - didn't mean to be so horribly insensitive when I said am not ill as such - meant that the appts will be for my physical health condition , but it haven't deteriorated . So sorry for rotten choice of words

[Keziahhopes]

I didn't take it that way city but sorry you ahve those appointments to face.

[Chocattack]

Hi City and Keziah. Are you two talking in different language tonight? . (Or is it my mangled brain?). city sorry you've been bullied - you ok? I wouldn't have expected it in a voluntary group (or am I being naive). And Keziah you're pleased that your dad has had a hand operation and it's a first that you're not visiting, correct? I think an early night would help me!

Hope you both are physically and mentally no worse off than since last post. city you're ill (but not as such) but only physically, but no deterioration? And Keziah you're going to try to fit in some physio?

Finally, a quick question about CBT city if I may (it all made sense when it was being explained to me but...). Do you know whether it is 'normal' to struggle to identify thoughts and/or the emotions relating to thoughts? I'm finding it really difficult and haven't managed to complete any entries on my thought record form yet.

"Feel the fear and do it anyway" - to help with you appts .

[Keziahhopes]

to Choc - I think I am good at writing cryptic words that mean everything in my head only, oops!!! Yes, am glad Dad had his much needed operation on his hand and for me to but a barrier between us and not go running there to do everything is a real first for me so feels good. It is 2hrs plus each way.

Had good physio session today with my physio who has had her 4 allocated home visits and is NOT discharging me and who also said it would be no problem, physically, to be pregnant now. Wow, getting pregnant is the issue but hey to hear that made me smile!

Choc - I have never had CBT but I really struggle to identify thoughts and any emotions - as I have blocked them for so long to keep coping. Perhaps a skilled cbt worker can help with that and maybe just talking in a safe place will help you?

Well I cried on an almost stranger last night.... I never cry but it helped. With stress on NHS mental health people. So glad not going today, although I know I have just post poned the inevitable but I least I get session 4 of my 6 sessions on Friday to talk it through.

Liking your quote CHoc

[cityhobgoblin]

Thanks for coming back to reassuring me about my foot- in -mouth , Keziah , and hope you and choc have been having a good day . Really sorry again for not being able to come back before now . So pleased to hear your Dad's op seemed to have gone well , & it's very good for you to not rush over but take care of yourself for once , as you say - know it can't be easy to change family expectations ( & I know you want to go when able ) < waffling >

Sorry choc , wish I knew the answer to your question [ blush ] ... I'd like to think the CBT assessment people would be more than happy to have a chat about this , & people on the MH board will have knowledge .

My inexperienced gut feeling is that your sense of difficulty in identifying emotions etc is common in peoople who have , like Keziah , been forced by circumstances to suppress some of those functions . I am the opposite cognitive ( or is it emotional ? ) style , so am not much use to you with that , but do remember how once the tasks "clicked" , they became easy to do , though the initial bit you're attempting now is the hardest to master , IIRC.
Thank you so much for recommending that book , which I think I have tucked away somewhere but have never read - willi dig it out !

Fabulous that your physio hasn't discharged you , Keziah , and how reassurinng about the fitness for a pregnancy . Sorry you needed to vent to someone you didn't know well but vital for your health . You are so wise not to have walked into such an unequal meeting today , & courageous at not beeing intimidated .

Thank you both for support with my wailing about bullying , & am OK, thanks . It's a campaigning orgainisation traditionally prone to power struggles ! Felt bad for a poster on AIBU atm who's being bullied by her colleaugue in a Brownie - type pack , blimey . My own bullies are being sexist and disablist , which is what shocks me , but it will come out in the wash.

Thank you both also for support re: appointments to come ...I have MS but haven't sought medical care in ages cos of bad experiences with HCPs & will have to start anew with new staff , which may be a good thing . Lots of related financial stuff to sort out , which will take months , but will be so happy when it's done .

I will try to keep my posts as concise as possible from now on . Hope you both have a good evening - gorgeous sunshine .

[Keziahhopes]

city - really hope that you get a really nice HCP, you never it might be best thing ever. xx

Hey - I waffle, think should have called the thread waffles - and that sentence was a teasing one, a nice tease cos it is nice we can waffle and be accepted if we want to waffle.

Well today a colleague came inot my room, shut my door and had a right go and me. Fantastic, not!!! Cried, couldn't face anyone at lunch., so hid. Have lie in tomorrow as not work Friday's - that is nice.

Oh - sunshine - we don't have that, enjoy city.

[Chocattack]

Hi Keziah and City. I've come to join in the waffle . Glad you're ok City after the bullying - I can see campaigning and power struggles would go hand in hand. It's great you're able to rise above it. And Keziah hope you have a nice lie in after your ordeal with your colleague today. Some people . As for the sunshine - there was none here either! On the plus side so pleased the physio session went well and it's great news about the pregnancy fitness. That must have made you .

Sorry city to hear about your bad experiences with HCPs. Hopefully with your upcoming appts new staff may indeed be a good thing. My fear of having male MH HCPs is diminishing thanks to two decent recent experiences (I had an bad experience with a male CPN a few years back) so it might improve for you this time.

I think I understand yesterday's posts now - thanks . Though seems I may have confused. Is my quote a book, city? I have to confess it's not my quote - it's something my music coach used to quote incessantly at me (to assist with my performance anxiety) much to my annoyance as she herself had quit professional performance work due to performance anxiety, lol!! If there's a book I definitely should read it myself .

Thanks for the CBT advice. It was certainly reassuring to read that I'm not useless for 'not getting it' straight away. I think you're right about there being a certain amount of emotion suppressing, we do it to cope I suppose. It's just frustrating because feeling 'odd / not real' etc is not an emotion and I'd like to be able to attach an emotion to thoughts. At least I've had a good day today .

Pleasant evening to you both. x

[Keziahhopes]

It made me smile to read you had a good day today Choc night night xx

[Chocattack]

Thank you x

[Chocattack]

I spoke too soon. Trying not to panic but not good now. I'd rather not have had the good day if this is what happens after [sighs].

[Keziahhopes]

Sorry to hear that choc - it is hard when days vary so much. Hope there is a better day ahead for you tomorrow.

Well I have had a few emotional days with mental health issues, plus someone at work had an absolute go at me (oh yes, one of the pregnant ones who is due the time I would be if not miscarried the ivf baby). Got 2 big meetings next week, health ones. Oh and the stroke consultant who asked to see me 6-8 weeks from discharge of hospital - had that appointment for July cancelled (it was a 13 week wait to see her and now don't even have a date!!)

[cityhobgoblin]

Hi Keziah and choc- I don't unsderstand , Thursday's posts didn't show up when I looked at the thread yesterday - how can that happen ?? AFAIK that has only happened when I haven't been able to see my own most recent post on a thread when using Firefox - switching to Internet Explorer makes it visible . Feel very odd not to have seen what you'd both said .

Sorry you've having a long panic attack choc but excellent about yesterday .

Can't believe your colleague behaved like that Keziah and am shocked at how much you have to face next week .
Will post properly later but wanted to apologise for absence & thank you both for support and advice xx

[Chocattack]

Hi Keziah, when you said ivf failed I hadn't realised you'd miscarried. Very sorry to hear that . Hope you can get your strength together for coming week. And hope my negativity isn't winding its way through cyberspace to you.

Hi city, I can't work out what AFAIK means! Sorry. Struggling. Don't thionk it was long panic attack though. More started crashing but realised I was but then was trying not to panic about it because that makes worse doesn't it?