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In a dark hole.

(8 Posts)
fiveisanawfullybignumber Thu 09-Jun-11 16:55:36

Just back from the docs, he's given me betablockers on top of normal AntiD's as I've been having anxiety/hysterical attacks, getting worse atm. Husband still here just, but we're hardly talking. I just want him to wrap his arms around me and tell me he loves me and that everything will be ok, but I just make him so angry. I have an obsession that the girls at his work are trying to cosy up to him. One of them who's going through her own marital difficulties tries to use him for emotional support. The other mothers him and tells him not to drink so much, or go to the pub at lunchtime. I can't cope with all these feelings. I'm sleep deprived for over a year due to reflux bay and have been cheated on by former partner so living in fear and making him so mad as he says he's done nothing wrong. there are times I just can't stop crying.

NanaNina Thu 09-Jun-11 17:11:17

Oh love - sounds like your H is very emotionally immature and can't cope with you just at the time you need it most. Your self esteem will be rock bottom too, which is probably what's making you think of him going off with other women. I would try to get this out of your head (easier said than done I know) but it is only going to make you worse. Negative thoughts just makes us spiral down and down, and then we feel all sort of horrible things. (Takes one to know one!) It sounds like these anxiety attacks are connected to your worries about your H. His drinking can't be helping either can it, although I imagine that's his way of blocking things out - I think a lot of men are unable to face up to this horrid illness (depression and anxiety) because they can't understand it, but neither can we really can we.

What is reflux bay btw - is this about you or a baby - have heard of babies having reflux but didn't know if you had any children. Of course you are going to be very needy now, but unfortunately the more needy you get the more your H turns away from you and the more he does this, the more needy yo get - so it's a horrible viscous circle. Have you anyone in RL in whom you can confide, or get suport from.

Crying is a major sympton of depression as I'm sure you know and I can't tell you how many hours I have cried this past year. How long have you been like this - and how long on meds. It may be that they are not the right ones for you.

I truly know how awful you are feeling (you have to experience this illness before you can understand it) but I would stop trying to get support from your H, because if you keep on trying and he keeps getting angry, this is no good for you in the long run. Keep posting - there is lots of support on here. Have you tried keeping a diary - I do that - just makes me feel a bit more in control. Have you had any counselling - that might be a good thing for you at the moment. GPs can refer but there is usually a long waiting list and private ones tend to be about £45 - £50 per hour.

Sending you warm wishes........NN

spanky2 Thu 09-Jun-11 17:11:55

My dh didn't cope very well with my depression. He said he couldn't cope if I got ill again, nice huh? When you obsess about the girls at work just remember you have described it as obsess, it's part of your illness. Tell yourself I will think about that for 5 minutes and no longer or give your self a worry time once a week when you are allowed to worry about it. You need to remember you are ill and give yourself a break. Keep taking the medicine and if you are still feeling overwhelmed like this you need to go back to the doctor and tell them. [hug]

fiveisanawfullybignumber Thu 09-Jun-11 17:26:00

Thank you. I don't feel like I can tell people how low I'm feeling. He'd feel embarassed like peole thought he was a bad husband.
Yes typo, Reflux baby. Doesn't sleep well at all.
When i get in these low moods I just can't top crying and tell him I can't cope with his work situation. I feel he's crossed a border that a manager shouldn't cross, it's all pally and jokey and a bit flirty, texting whenevert they feel like. he says he tried to resolve it, but whenone of these woman had an emotional crisis, she spent all night texting him. I feel jealous that I can't turn to him for emotional suoport when i'm in a crisis as he's so angry at me. just makes it all worse.
I don't know how I'd cope if it wasn't for the kids to look after. They keep me going, I know the littlies need me, so i feel slightly worthy of something in that way.
Seeing a councellor on Tuesday, just couldn't cope anylonger.

midnightservant Thu 09-Jun-11 20:01:30

When I was down I too wanted my DH to give me a hug and tell me everything would be alright.

But I thought it wouldn't count unless he did it without me asking him to.

Eventually I did ask him to. I said "please just give me a hug and tell me everything is OK"

And he did. And I did feel better. He still doesn't do it spontaneously, but will if I ask. (In the past, he had tried to hug me but got a bristly rejection - so I don't blame hime for needing me to ask.)

NanaNina Fri 10-Jun-11 12:20:57

Hi five (does your nickname mean you have 5 children!) I think you are thinking far too much about your H and his needs than you are thinking about yourself. You say you can't tell people how you are feeling as he would feel embarrassed about others thinking him a bad husband. Well he's not exactly and good, kind supportive H is he. You need someone to talk to who will be caring and won't judge you, so please talk to one of your friends, and just not worry too much about what they are going through - if they are good friends they will make time for you.

Sounds to me like your H is shutting himself off from you and what is going on at home - hence all the texting in the evening and then getting angry with you. Again I have to say he sounds like he hasn't grown up. That isn't something you are able to change. You can't change someone's behaviour but you can change the way you react to their behaviour, and this can be quite powerful. Arguments are like a play, you each play your own script (not consciously of course) and what you need to do is change the script - your script. Doesn't matter how you change it, so long as you do. You will probably notice that your H is a bit confused if you change your behaviour towards him. As I said before you are in a viscous circle of you neediness being ignored, and being ignored makes you more needy and round and round you go. How about cutting through that cycle and maybe ignore him, or start texting yourself in the evening............and talk to people who care.

Sorry if all this is confusing, just trying to help really. You are in a victim position at the moment (totally unsurprising given how you feel) and he is in a persecutor position. Sometimes victims flip into persecutors and sometimes persecutors become worse, so they don't become victims. None of this is done at a conscious level of course.
I will stop now as I am afraid I might have confused you.

Take good care of yourself and your children and leave him to his own devices.

fiveisanawfullybignumber Fri 10-Jun-11 14:21:33

Hi NanaNina, yes it does mean 5, although 2 are teenagers from my 1st marriage. No wonder we feel exhausted, overwhelmed and outnumbered. DC5 bless her heart, was an accident. We love her dearly, but even if she'd been a well baby it might just have been the straw that broke the camels back.
I got incredibly upset again last night (not in such a hysterical way), but i think DH is starting to realise just how low I am, I don't think I can get much lower without everything falling apart tbh. Just need to get to tuesday and see my councellor. I think I might be suffering massively from paranoia about all these things and just want to take it all away. I've come to realise over the last few months that i did take him for granted and didn't show him that I loved him enough. Any man would find that hard and switch off slightly.

spanky2 Fri 10-Jun-11 17:52:12

My dh also is pally with women at work, who also turn to him for boyfriend advice etc. When we went on a work do I had to listen to the women at his work telling me how fantastic and supportive he is. He wasn't like that at home. I still get angry about it now how different he is at work and home. He says it's because that is work, more like he'd get a written warning if he behaved at work like he does at home! You need to concentrate on getting better. He is an adult and can take care of himself. You must remember your illness has changed your ability to care and show affection to others because you are in survival mode and he needs to acknowledge that and modify his behaviour to support you.

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