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Bad Place

(16 Posts)
GrownUpNow Thu 09-Jun-11 12:43:30

I was doing fine. No real depression since I found out I was pregnant with DD. Still loads of anxiety and OCD, but I'd managed to learn to keep my mood more stable. I started to get proactive, went to the doctor for medication and started on paroxetine three months ago. The dose is up to 40mg now and though a vast majority of the anxiety is lessened and I am having less obsessive thoughts, I even had a few weeks of really high mood that made me realise what I've been missing all my life, I'm suddenly finding my mood rock bottom and having suicidal thoughts.

Today I was ironing and lifted the iron to my face without thinking to see how much it would hurt. Didn't do it of course, but the thoughts were horrid. I'm so worried I tried to get an appointment with CMHT, but my file has been closed and I need a GP referral to get back in. I have an appointment for Tuesday morning to do this.

In the meantime, I have my DD's birthday party and then her actual birthday. I have loads to do. I'm finding it difficult because I arranged to have it at my mums, and she is turning out to be my biggest trigger at the moment for anxiety.

I'm trying to keep going, but I'm recognising loads of early warning signs for a depressive episode. Last night I wrote a big long list of all the symptoms I've ever had regards mental health, it was scary putting it all together.

Can you please support me through it so I am not on my own? I have no one to talk to about these problems and I do not want to spoil my DD's special event.

GrownUpNow Thu 09-Jun-11 12:45:55

Sorry, should be more specific. DD is turning three so it's been nearly four years since a major depressive episode. To go from feeling absolutely on top of the world to suicidal thinking, it's scared me.

GrownUpNow Thu 09-Jun-11 12:47:12

Oh, and I am going out to the shops because if I don't my girl won't have a birthday cake or tea. So if I don't answer straight away, don't worry. I'm not that bad yet I don't think.

GrownUpNow Thu 09-Jun-11 14:09:19

I know I keep bumping. Sorry.

madmouse Thu 09-Jun-11 14:58:08

This is not a fast moving part of MN except in emergencies.

If you think you are at the start of a depressive episode go to see your doctor and ask for help.

You say you have no one to talk to - that's normally not true - it normally translates as no one knows I'm struggling and I'm to ashamed to tell them/don't want to bother them. But you do need support, we all do depressed or not.

How about DDs dad - is he in your life?

GrownUpNow Thu 09-Jun-11 15:23:40

No he isn't involved at all and hasn't been since early pregnancy really.

I was scared to put this elsewhere in case people thought I was being a bit pathetic, I knew other people here would understand how I am feeling (hopefully).

My sister listens and is generally a good friend, but is eight years younger, childless and not really able to support as she is away at university usually.

I have a mum friend, but she's going through her own stuff at the moment with police and social services for threatening ex. She's been very good and taken the children this afternoon so I can get on with stuff.

My other close friend is not long out of the hospital from a operation.

There's a nice man, but we're not quite involved and I don't want to put him off.

So lots of little bits of help, but no one to tell the whole story to without burdening them unfairly.

I have Tuesday at 9:30 to get to for GP appointment, or crisis team if things deteriorate, but that doesn't help feeling on my own with it right now.

Madlizzy Thu 09-Jun-11 15:59:36

If you can bring your GP appointment forward, that would be good. I'd class you being so close to hurting yourself as an emergency.

NanaNina Thu 09-Jun-11 17:41:21

Hi grownup - glad you are going to try to nip this episode in the bud and are recognising the symptoms and wrote them all down and have made a GP appt - well done. Hope your GP is helpful and Madmouse was right in what she said, that you don't want to burden others with your problems - I know what you mean because I feel like this when I am having a bad time.

Don't agree with Madlizzy at all - holding an iron to your face is not an emergency and I think you would find the medics would think the same. I know (from experience) the torment of depression and the suicidal thoughts that are a major symptom of depression as you probably know. I have certainly had them many times over the past 18 months and still do when the setbacks come (as they do frequently) and yet at the same time I sort of know I wouldn't be able to carry it through. Think it's called suicide ideation, when we think of it all the time but won't actually carry it through. Mind the thoughts themselves are so scary aren't they.

Lots of good support on here and lots of MNs to hold your hand, so keep posting, and do try to confide in your friends - what would you be saying if they were feeling poorly - you would want them to talk to you, so you could support them, wouldn't you.

The nice man bit of your post, who you don't want to "put off" - this may well be adding extra pressure for you to get over this episode quickly. I hope that is the case, but you must look after you and your children first and foremost. If this man is emotionally mature and empathetic, he may well turn out to be a support. If he isn't - well what does that tell you about him.

Hope your little girl has a lovely birthday.

GrownUpNow Thu 09-Jun-11 18:39:34

I mentioned to my mum when she came round this afternoon that my mental health was taking a dip. We talked through what I expect to happen on Sunday at the birthday party. Thanks to me getting things ready as I went along, most of the stuff is pretty much ready for me to set up on the day. Mum has offered to make some lunch for the adults and put on some drinks, then get out of the way and go out somewhere, which she thought I'd be offended by, but secretly it relieves a lot of pressure on me as "daughter" and I can focus on "mother".

Yeah, I am definitely only thinking about it. I get obsessive thoughts regarding injury and death, which have been more or less under control recently, so it's just been really unpleasant to suddenly sink and have some of that thinking back.

The nice man is very supportive and will be around this weekend, I'm just not ready for him to see this side of me, though we've discussed mental health and the like. We're not romantically involved yet, we've discussed how we see it going forwards, but we're making sure we're both in the right place for that first, he lost his mother recently, and is not long divorced, and I'm dealing with mental health stuff that's been buried for a while, so we're concentrating on friendship first.

The cakes are made. The icing is being made. The food is organised. The party bags done. The decorations all together. The bouncy castle booked. I'm managing pain with medication, and I have several people to call on for support, albeit partial support.

I'm coping, aren't I?

NanaNina Fri 10-Jun-11 12:23:08

You most certainly are!!

GrownUpNow Fri 10-Jun-11 13:36:09

Thanks NanaNina. I'm feeling much more together today, just setting it out in my mind what my support network was and what I had to achieve has helped. A full night's sleep and a step-by-step attitude is bringing my mood up loads.

GrownUpNow Thu 16-Jun-11 11:26:23

I made it through the weekend. And indeed the week so far.

I've seen my GP. Finally been able to tell them about abuse. I'm referred back to my psychiatrist and to expect contact within a week. Stay on the antidepressants, no sleeping tablets or alcohol as they are depressants and not helpful right now.

I saw my HV. They've decided DD is not hyperactive, just bored and very intelligent. So I've to work on a weekly plan of activities we can both do to stimulate her and see them again in a month. I've been referred to a parenting class, which starts in September.

I saw my family support worker, who is on weekly visits right now. We're going swimming together on Friday to a Rhymetime in the pool, to start the activities for my daughter and get me out. We're going to sit down next week and plan out the summer holidays, as she can get me access to transport and put me down for trips with support also. I am also planning these things with my friend and with my sort of boyfriend. So I should have plenty of support with one of my big triggers which is holidays and lack of routine.

I am up and down at the moment, but working really hard to recognise early warning signs, work with my crisis plan, and hopefully not get any worse. Best of all, I have been able to do all this without telling my mum, thus avoiding the stress of her reaction.

madmouse Thu 16-Jun-11 11:32:18

You're doing amazing GrownUp xx

It sounds tiring though, all this planning and doing things with dd, tiring in a good way but still look after yourself as you are not well. No one ever died from a bit of dust on a shelf or beans toast and cheese for dinner.

GrownUpNow Fri 17-Jun-11 21:02:59

TRIGGER ALERT - sexual abuse.

I have absolutely no idea how to handle the fact that it is most likely I was sexually abused around the age of two or three. I have always felt like I had been abused, but never had any substantial memory of it. There is also still the question of whether it occurred more as I grew up.

I know I am capable of suppressing memories as I did so with a sexual assault when I was a pre-teen. I've always had nightmares, one about a toilet cubicle and another about a big black shadow coming to my bed, saying incomprehensible things and touching me.

I know I displayed inappropriate sexualised behaviour from very young, so did my little brother. I also became very promiscuous as a teen, but also never enjoyed sex, engaged in very risky behaviour and often became completely numb in relationships.

I feel so angry right now. Angry and bloody scared. All my life I've hardly lived because some evil person took something from me. I don't want to be like this. I hate looking at my daughter, whom I love fiercely, and having flashes of this. She shouldn't be a trigger.

GrownUpNow Sun 19-Jun-11 17:24:06

I do wish I'd learn that energy drinks and anxiety doesn't go together.

I'm up and down still. One minute I'm together, the next I'm wondering what the point in it all is. But I am making plans, writing lists and just forcing myself to keep on going, because I know this is only temporary.

Was able to flirt and mess around with my almost boyfriend a bit today without panicking about what was disclosed earlier this week. He's been great at cheering me up. We're planning a holiday together in the summer holidays with our kids, been told to look at prices and it's nice to day dream a bit and plan treats for the kids.

It's an uphill battle, but I am still fighting.

GrownUpNow Mon 20-Jun-11 16:23:09

Made myself get up and out today. DDs behaviour has been difficult and I admitted to myself that I haven't been engaging her as much as I would usually, going out only when necessary and staying at home the rest of the time. She needs to do more, she's an active little mind and I wasn't nurturing it properly.

So the morning was spent me and her doing loads to wear her out and get her active, get me into the sunshine and walking, and we did have a pretty nice time.

Having an action plan is definitely helping, as is blogging stuff down.

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