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Depressed husband and it affecting us all.

(10 Posts)
TootTootLick Tue 31-May-11 15:17:13

My husband has long term depression. It took a while to realise that's what it was as he would be very, very down about things, like his job. But then he would get a new job and he would be very down about something else. It was only after several of these that we realised he was actually depressed and although these situations (job etc) weren't great he was projecting onto them (if you get me).

For a while he was on Seroxat which seemed to help a bit but he had terrible side affects so came off it about a year ago. He did a short bit of counselling but isn't a very open person which didn't make it easy. I also think part of the way he is like that is because of his childhood and his family but he doesn't see that at all and the more I try to make him see the more his barriers go up.

I find now though that he is just so hard to be around. He has been physically ill as well which has made him very unhappy and he is suffering physically which is making him feel terrible and more depressed. He is naturally a negative person (gets it from his dad) which really doesn't help.

Lately I have been trying to get on with DIY which he was doing but can't as is in plaster at the moment. I find though that he is being very negative about it probably because he feels crap that he can't do it, and he actually ends up being more of a hindrence then anything. It would be lovely if he could say well done to me and encourage me but instead just says negative things, like how I won't be able to do it and how hard it will be. Recently I did find some of it to hard and wanted to ask for help from a friend but he didn't want me to as that made him feel bad. Eventually I realised that it wasn't him it was affecting but me as I was the one who was actually doing the DIY!

I don't know what to do. I want him to go back to the dr to go back on meds or seek some other help but he is reluctant. I am just finding him impossible to live with. I don't mean to be unsympathetic and I do understand having had issues myself. I suppose it's because I don't feel he's getting the help that is out there and that yet again he is blaming his depression on "something" as he says it's because of his physical problems and the pain he is in and that he will be better when he gets physically better. I don't believe him though and think it is the same as all the other times. I need him to have more awareness of this.

What makes it worse is the constant negativity about everything and his trying to hold me back from acheiving anything so as not to make himself feel worse.

Help?

TootTootLick Tue 31-May-11 15:17:48

Sorry, also he won't tell his family so I am dealing with this alone and always have done.

madmouse Tue 31-May-11 16:57:21

You are not alone!

here is an old thread that ran for a while about depressed husbands.

Mine has on and off been very depressed for as long as I've known them and it has been hell at times. He's now finally tackling his childhood issues and he has neveer been this well. Is thinking about coming off anti depressants.

I will give you one piece of advice only: talk!

Never mind that he doesn't want others to know - you have needs too. Your friends need to know and your parents/siblings if you are emotionally close. You can't do this on your own and he can't make you. It sounds harsh but I'm not saying it lightly. It is important as this affects your mental health too.

TootTootLick Tue 31-May-11 17:17:43

madmouse Thanks for your reply. He says that he is sick of talking. I personally love talking but he's had enough of it. When he says that I think he means talking about our marital problems, yet again failing to see that the problem is not our marriage but the depression.

TootTootLick Tue 31-May-11 17:18:11

Thanks for the link too. Will read later.

GetDownYouWillFall Tue 31-May-11 17:25:19

I think perhaps madmouse was saying you need to talk to others - friends, family, your own support network, rather than necessarily just to him.

As she quite rightly said, you need to look after you in this situation. It is very hard to live with someone who is depressed. You can be dragged down yourself unless you have lots of support around you. My DH thankfully is the one who stays on an even keel in our relationship, but I know how much he needs to talk to his mates and have some space when I am going through low periods.

madmouse Tue 31-May-11 17:27:01

Yes OP I mean for you to talk to friends and family to get support for you!

Limy Sun 05-Jun-11 22:16:17

Hi, I am a DH using my wifes log in after she showed me this post- I thought I would write from my point of view, i dont do too well talking about my feelings so bear with me.
I have a 5 1/2 month old daughter who is the apple of my eye. Around october time (well before DD was born) I felt tired and had trouble sleeping. I put this down to being a nervous first time dad. This carried on when my DD was born, but as a new dad I put it down to crying baby. I then started to feel ill most of the time and lost interest in doing things, I only really bothered with my DD when my wife asked me to. I did try to do things to help my wife but in my heart of hearts I knew something was not right.
I also found ( and have been told by my lovely wife) that I had a very very short fuse and was easily angered. I got very upset with myself for getting angry with my DD just for crying, i knew it was not her fault but I couldnt stop myself- Dont get me wrong I would never do anything to hurt my DD but my wife got nervous of leaving me with her incase i got mad or upset.
I dont really talk about feelings but eventually my wife surgested I visit my doctor. I didnt do this straight away but started looking on the internet at my symptoms and quickly realised I could tick yes to most of the questions.
I didnt find it easy to visit my doctor as I felt embarressed, I also felt like a failure as I was ment to be supporting my wife and DD but they were looking after me. The doctor was brillient with me and i was glad i didnt cancel my appointment like a came close to doing. My doctor discussed all my feeling and in the end she decided to put me on anti depressents- or happy pills as they are known in my household (if i dont laugh id cry).
that was in Febuary and I am still on them. I dont feel as ill as i did although the tablets made me feel perminently hung over for the first couple of months. It takes quite some time for the tablets to start working.
I feel (and have been told) that I am alot better in respect to my anger, and I love to spend time with my DD.
I have good days and bad days- but more good.
My wife has been amazingly supportive and has been and still is my rock. I still havent told my family as i am still embarressed but thats just me.
Life isnt always easy and when a baby is born the dad is forgotten about, but we need some help too.
when my DD was born I cryed and I have to say that since I have been put on happy pills i have cryed on a few more occasions (Im a 6'"2 engineer-we dont cry) but this makes me feel better.
Until the person who is suffering admits they have a problem nothing can be done but once you do, things get better quickly!

The best thing in the world is the special smile my DD has just for me!

Thats enough ramble from me.

NanaNina Sun 05-Jun-11 22:44:53

That was a really interesting post Limy as we seldom hear men, especially on the MH threads. Also very glad that you got the GP and that you are having more good days than bad (same here but it's frustrating and exhausting) Also glad you have a lovely wife and daughter and that you actually mention how lovely and supportive your wife is to you. The only thing I would take issue with is your calling ADs "happy pills" - I only say this because I think there are quite a few people who think that pills will actually make them happy and then get upset when that doesn't happen. As you will know through your own experience, ADs (if we are lucky) lift the symptoms so that the awfulness is not as awful (if that makes sense) Sorry if I appear nit picking - mostly I enjoyed reading your post and wish you well for the future.

TotallyLovely Mon 06-Jun-11 13:19:20

Hi Limy this is the OP, I named changed. Thanks for your post. We call them happy pills in my house too. I have also had trouble with depression and have been on the pills and found that they made me so tired. I also have had trouble with my temper which I must admit still do. Not sure if that's ever going to go away which is really upsetting. I had to come off the pills after a year or so as they made me so tired that I couldn't cope with the children. I do feel better though. I think becoming a parent stirs up all sorts of buried feelings and anxieties as well.

I managed (after hours and hours of arguing and discussions) to convince my DH that he is actually depressed and he has gone back on his old pills and is seeing the dr next week. He really couldn't see it! His mood has lifted already and it's so nice to see a bit of my old husband back, it's a hell of a relief. He has a long way to go of course but things are on the up as he has realised what the actual problem is rather then blaming it on everything else.

I can tell you though that having both of us with this type of problem is not fun but does as least mean there is an understanding of it between us.

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