Really struggling and hate myself for feeling like this :(

[Narketta]

I've suffered from depression on and off since the age of 17, I have good spells that can last months and I feel great/happy content with everything and then I have weeks like the one i'm having at the moment.

I have a lovely home great husband gorgeous DC and I honestly feel that I could walk away from it all and not look back. I went for a walk to the shop to get some milk yesterday and left the DC with DH and as I walked out of the door I thought "Shall I just go" they would all be better off without me. I'm impatient with the DC and seem to do nothing but shout at them all the time, they are 3 and 5 of course they want mummy and i'm being unrealistic to expect them to just leave me alone, but thats what I want to be left alone. I have no family nearby to have the DC for a while and DH works long unsociable hours so i'm on my own with the DC a lot.

DH is as understanding and supportive as he can be but I must be hell to live with. I just need peace, I feel like there's this scream building up inside me and the pressure is driving me mad. I want to curl up in the dark and not have to talk to anyone but feel like everyone wants a piece of me and i'm finding it so hard to cope with the day to day demands that 2 small children make.

Before I had the DC I was on medication and I know that I need to get back onto something but i'm terrified to go and tell a doctor what i've just told you because they'll think i'm an unfit mother, I think i'm unfit at the moment so why wouldn't they.

I know i'm not the only parent that feels like this I just need to find a way to cope and get through it and maybe next week i'll feel better again but until that happens I don't know what to do with myself:(

[saffronwblue]

Didn't want to leave you with no answer. Try not to be hard on yourself - it is an illness and not a character flaw! I think a dr would be able to help you - don't feel that you have to keep up a perfect front with the dr.

Good luck - the dark clousds can and will roll back.

[VforViennetta]

Oh poor you Narketta I do honestly empathise, I'm in exactly the same situation, I had really really bad PND after ds1, tbh I had been depressed on and off since I was about 15.

I did go to the Dr's and tried a few anti d's, found one that worked and then gave it up before I should have.

I got pg again and had ds2, I was pretty happy until about July last year, I have been fighting it ever since then, but I do need to go back to the dr's .

They will not think you a crap parent and I am sure you are not, the best thing for your children would be to get well again (needs to take own advice).

[VforViennetta]

I can't tell you the amount of times I have gone to the shop and just had the urge to keep walking, you are not alone, and IME Dr's are very sympathetic, they are not stupid, they will know when someone is a true risk to their children and when they are depressed and in need of support.

[malachysmum]

Hi

Can I ask if you get any time to do something just for yourself, like a night class or something. Where you mix with people and have mental time off for the children?

[malachysmum]

Sorry, from the children

[NanaNina]

PLEASE please Op do not worry that the GP is going to see you as an unfit mother. I have spent 30 years of my working life in children's services and have never ever known a child removed because mother is depressed. It is highly unikely that a GP would even refer you to Soc Svcs and if he/she did it would be for support only.

I am so concerned that so many depressed MNs are afraid to go to GP for fear of them being seen as unfit mothers. Depression is an illness for which you need medication and support. There are just too many scare stores around about soc svrs - none of them true.

So please go to GP and get some help.

[moflee57]

Oh Narketta I was in exact same boat as you. You say you feel a scream building inside you and that is precisely how I would describe my situation. I have 2 kids too and really soldiered on with the blackest depression for so long because I felt I should be lucky to be in a loving relationship with 2 healthy kids in a great home etc. Finally mustered the courage to see a gp when thoughts were blackest they'd been and I really was thinking about ending it all to escape. I told the gp EVERYTHING - very dark stuff and seriously there was never ever even the tiniest hint that they thought I was an unfit mother - just a desparately unhappy one who needed help. That was 5 weeks ago - I am on citalopram now, have weekly visits from a cpn and the cloud is lifting. Please don't be afraid tp ask for help - you will get it and are in no danger whatsoever of being seen as a bad mother - you just need something to lift you enough to give you some perspective on your life. Loads of love to you - kids are tough - being alone with them is tough and being a mum with young kids and depression is brutal...you deserve support and it is there waiting for you via a visit to your gp xxxx

[moflee57]

bump...narketta you o.k. hope things feeling a bit less overwhelming. xx

[NanaNina]

Me too wondering how you are Narketta? Sending warm wishes.

[Narketta]

Thankyou so much for thinking of me, I'm ok! doing much better again.

My depression confuses me because like I said in my OP I can have weeks even months of feeling fantastic, on top of the world and like nothing can get me down but then the darkness starts to seep in and I feel myself sinking and I just can't drag myself out of it I have to wait for it to pass which thankfully it has.

I wonder is depression like this for everyone, I mean is it normal to be so up and down? It must be horrible to live with someone like me!

moflee57 I'm glad that your starting to feel better:) How are you getting on with the citalopram? I've had them in the past and didn't feel any better on them. I think that this could be another reason why i've been putting off going to the GP because I've never found an AD that works for me.

NanaNina Thankyou for reasurring me that the doctor won't take my children away. When i'm in my blackest mood I feel that I want to be away from them but in reality I couldn't live without them, My DC and DH are the only reason I hold myself together.